Fuck It All

These past couple weeks have been a serious shit storm. I have been in a funk and one bad thing after another has happened. My mind has gone to a very bad, negative place. So, like I do best I got in my car and ran away for a short week. I grabbed what I thought I would need and headed in my car. For the first three hours all I couuld do is cry as bad things continued to happen. Eventually as I got lost in my music, I started getting in a better mood.

I drove and drove until I finnaly got to my serene place. It was so nice to wake up in a fresh enviroonment without worrying about having to make small talk with people who took a shit on my life. Even though I spent a lot of my time alone..I enjoyed it. I have not been that happy in a long time.

I had been gone for almost a week and only two of my friends had called to check up on me. The funny thing was that they didn't even know I was gone. This was just part of the routine. What really hurt is that the people that saw me everyday didnt even notice that I had been gone. Obviously there is some problem within our friendship if you feel like things wouldnt be any differently with out me.

So as long as I am once again venting to my blog...

I would just like to say:

I am hurt. I am broken. I am trying to put back together my broken pieces but it is getting harder each day when I feel as though I am wasting time on friendships that are going no where.

Each day is a struggle for me. I wake up wanting to do nothing more than hide under my covers from the world. I don't feel like talking to people unless I know that they are genuine people that are there for me. I dont ever call anybody because I always interupt their lives. I think it is bullshit that people expect me to be their "bestie" when they only talk to me through f-book or myspace. Seriously, grow a fucking pair and pick up the damn phone if you want to do something. Oh and stop telling me how fucking busy you are because obviously you have free time because I know their are other people who you can answer your phone for.

I really should stop before this gets all stupid and emo but who gives a fuck because its not like anyone reads this stupid thing anyways.

Great now I am all pissed. FUCK me.

If all of this is news to you obviously you don't know me very well because it is who I am right now.

Gots to get paid bra!

Don't the days go by faster if we have something to look forward to.

Recently, I started a new job as a sales associate at Lane Bryant and couldn't be happier. I couldn't imagine a more perfect fit. I am surrounded by beautiful clothes and people and I get paid to talk and shop. I am constantly laughing and its a good feeling. It may be the honeymoon affect but I have a feeling it is more than that. At the end of the day I find that I can't wait to put on some Bengay and take an ibprophen but I can't help but smile when thinking about the highlights. Today my highlight was when i was helping a woman pick out an outfit. I selected several pieces for her to try on. She kept shaking her head and finally confessed "I need something to get shitfaced in and still remain sexy". I chucked thinking about this woman standing in front of me wearing a sweatshirt with running horses and a pair of stretchy pants getting drunk and puking al over the gorgous dress clutched in her hands. bahahah. Love it!

do..you...like..to..talk..to tomatoes

There once was a cute little broccoli flouret who went to the produce aisle. Man oh man was she craving some produce. As she was browsing through the apples and bananas she spied her one true love..GAUCOMOLE. She threw her purse down and kicked her shoes off in a fit off joy and ran over to the gaucomole. She reached to the very top shelf of the cooler only to knock all the gaucomole packages to the floor. She cried "holy gaucomole" in shock only to realize that was the brand scattered about her feet. She could feel her flourets curl in embarassment. She quickly looked around for onlookers of her episode only to see a tall stalk o' celery watching her with a smirk on his face standing right by her. Pickles. She fell to her knees scrambling around the floor picking up the packages only to akwardly touch the celery stalk's foot. Pickles. She looked up only to see him still akwardy smirking. Finally Broccoli picked up the packages and put them back on the shelf...only to her head on the cooler. Pickles. Shaking off the pain she stood tall grabbed her one package of gaucomole and moved on to the next thing on her list. Spinich. She smirked at the celery realizing it was right in front of him. Pickles.She akwardly stretched in front of him grabbed a bag of baby spinach and accidentally elbowed him in the stomach. Pickes. All that managed mutter out of this lil' broccoli's mouth was.."well that could have been akward". Broccoli ran away only to later be confronted by the celery in another aisle..as he was once again...stocking the sheves.

Losin My Religion

Today I as I was sitting in church I had an epiphany.
What purpose do we have in our life?

It all started as the pastor started a sermon with a metaphor about humans being fancy cars with no fuel. What good is it to have a car if you have no fuel? In other words what good are we with out a sense of purpose or a drive?

Each person’s fuel is different seeing as though each person has different dreams, hopes, fears, goals, and values. For some, religion is their fuel while for others it can be excitement for the unknown.

Don’t we all look for a sense of belonging in one way or another?

Although it took me a while to realize, I think my place is following God and his commandments. For quite some time now I have felt lost and abandoned when what I needed was right in front of me. I am finally starting to believe that quote about not realizing how good the things we have are until they are gone.

All my life religion has been a big part of my life. I was baptized into Christianity, faithfully attended church and Sunday school every Sunday, youth group every Wednesday, and VBS every summer. At first I was the one learning and taking everything in through Sunday school, VBS, religious release, and eventually classes leading to my confirmation. Eventually the tables turned and I was the one teaching children. I taught both VBS and Sunday school to the younger kids for about five years. It was fun while I did it but didn’t realize the benefits until years after all of this stopped.

I fell away from my faith the summer before I left for college. I started working more often which usually meant I worked Sunday mornings. For the longest time I used this for an excuse. I could worship because I had to work. The summer ended and my college classes started. Now what was my excuse? For the first semester I didn’t have a job so I had the chance to attend church but chose not to. Occasionally I would go to a service at school then drop by my church at home but then I just stopped going all together.

As I look back that’s when I started feeling lost and confused. Why wouldn’t I when it was such a big part of my life for so long?

During this time I started to step out of my comfort box and become more open minded. In some ways it was beneficial but in others I am ashamed. I started mocking my faith, taking part in activities that I wasn’t comfortable in, and eventually started losing touch with who I was looking at in the mirror each morning. When I realized I was slowly walking further into the darkness, I started to re-evaluate my life and make some changes. I had to move some things back in and other things out.

An important step in this process was to remove the “toxic” elements from my life and move in positive habits as a replacement. So far I think it is the best decision I have made. One of the most important things I have moved back in my life is my faith in Jesus. For some it may sound corny but it’s what I need. I feel a sense of belonging within Christianity because I know God has a greater purpose for me and I have to wait and see what it is. Over the past couple years I have lightly explored other beliefs but I find myself coming back to my roots. I think this may be because I have a good heart. I am willing to live to serve other people and it isn’t always easy.
I still need to work on improving and re-evaluating some other parts of my life but its go

I knw what u want & I knw what u need but I’m gonna screw it up cuz I’m an idiot n’ I’m ur bf

I forgot how productive I am early in the morning. I have been up since five and already I have:
Done my dishes and put them away
Cleaned my room
Consoled a broken friendship
Made my bed
Did my homework
Showered
Drank 4 cups of coffee
Took out my garbage
Called my parents
Made a shopping list
I think I need to cut back on my sleep so I can have these productive mornings more often. I mean jeesh that is quite a list of things to get done with out somebody harassing me to do so! Now I just have to type up three more papers and finish reading and I will be done with homework for the week! GO ME! This is a big deal for me lol. Ok now I gotta get ready. Namiste.

Oh p.s I forgot how much I LOVE the song "idiot boyfriend" lolz

Your fingertips across my skin the palm trees swaying in the wind...

I have been up and down and all around.

I hate being an overdramatic girl, but then again, some things are worth it.

If you actually are reading my blogs you know about my difficulty with writing out my feelings these days. Its harder than hell so I am trying to just write the first things that come to mind...so here it goes:

1.Gahhhhh! What the hell! You don't call a girl and say the things you did then act pissed later. no NO no

2.I miss you so damn much but I can't tell you because I don't want to be the bigger person for a change.

3.At first I was so frustrated I couldn't help but cry. Now I am content and found some self confidence. It's really not that bad.

4.I love you so effing MUCH! We have been through so much and even though I treated you horribly you are still right by my side. Mwah!

5.I want to kiss your nose and lay with you on the grassy hill all day long.

6.I act like a fool. Bite my lip. Twirl my hair. Smile. What the fuck Brooke.

7.Daydreams take over sometimes leading me to a place in the hopefully near future.

8.How am I going to do this? I need to get my life back in order.

9.Please just stop. I can't keep doing this. I don't think I am strong enough.

10.Even though its just the intro I am in love. Its so damn good. Give these boys a grammy! ;)

I know that I’ve been dancing around the truth..tell me what the hell I’m suppose to do

Another summer has blown by dragging in a fall semester. I love fall but I dont have the same excitment I normally have for this time of year. I have no motivation to even go to class and attempt my homework. I figured I would at least be excited for my english class. It's the one thing I have done decent in, but, I am doubting myself because I cant even find the words to describe the thoughts running through my head.

I think my main issue is not having enough time. The summer went by so fast and I was kept so bust that I didnt have time to get prepped for a new semester. Two days before I moved down to Milwaukee I started packing and getting ready for school because it was the only free time I could find. I remember sitting on the counter talking to my parents. My dad asked me "Are you ready?" and I all I could do is cry and mutter out a "no". I'm not ready. My heart is left in G.R.

T he hardest part of all of this is not having my once best friend by my side. It has been almost a month since our falling out and still I cant find a way to face the feelings I have. I just put them to the back of my mind...I think this is causing some real damage too.

Can you feel this?

"There's only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that's your own self." Aldous Huxley

Things change. People change.

Each life experience changes a person so it should be no suprise that I am different from who I was even a year ago. It's all part of growing up.

Looking back at friendships come and gone, it hurts knowing you lost someone you thought would be in your life forever.

Less is more..

It is not too often that I sit in front of my computer at a loss for words. Usually, I can't wait to divulge the secrets of my day into a blog but these days it been difficult. I have been so busy running here and there that I have not had much time to sit and reflect about the things that are happening with each passing summer day. It might be because I don't have much free time or I am going backwards with the progression I have made with letting out my emotions.

There have been several highs and lows this summer that I don't even want to talk about. I am actually content with sitting alone instead of drunkenly running off into the sunset after a boy who has no interest what-so-ever in me. Even though I am content, things happen and I find myself in uncomfortable situations. I am actually becoming ashamed of my ability to openly express my feelings. Maybe all the rejection is finally catching up with me. You may wonder why I am bitter about relationships but how can I not be when every form is crumbling around me.

Take it all or leave me alone..I will never be a stepping stone

Lately, I find myself happiest when I am simply sitting by the lake reading. I am calmed and centered by watching the water creep up the, sand gently lapping against the ends of my toes with the sun warming my shoulders. I escape reality and get engulfed by the alluring text of my book.

I have been reading almost everyday which was unusual for me in the past because I would only read if I knew I had a test on it the next day. Now I am using books to fool myself into thinking things are better than they really are. I thought it was interesting how people think that I am joking when I say that I spend my summer days reading. It apparently is not what I do. Who says that I can't change who I am and start a new hobby? I actually do love literature and would read but never talked about it because I thought it made me sound boring. Now I don't really care because who are other people to judge me and tell me what I can and cant do?

I am over pretending to be someone else.

This summer I have had the pleasure of spending time with my extended family. Everyone gathers together with smiles on their faces and kind words stuffed in their mouths when really they are avoiding what needs to be discussed. This has always been the way things have worked, but, I suppose as I grew older I realized that even if you feel hurt by something previously said you have to bite your tongue and smile. It can be hard when you really want to slap them into reality and talk about what is really going on.

In the past I hated having to walk on eggshells trying to please people. I basically told them what they wanted to hear. Now I say what is on my mind and act like myself instead of how I "should" act. So far it isn't going so well as I have this feeling like I am slowly being excommunicated from the family. For me this is a harsh reality I have to take with a bite of honey. Maybe it is best I separate myself. I have tried doing things their way and following along with their crazy ideas but I only find myself in depression ruts when things don't go as expected.

I have to do what is best for me. Other people may not understand but I have to learn by doing things on my own instead of following others guidance. I am a loner and always have been so it should really be no surprise that I need to do things on my own in order to get the most benefit.

Although I may be a loner I still miss people. I get sad knowing that I lost communication with people I really care about. I miss getting calls just to see how I am or letters in the mail.

*Sigh* I miss. Story of my life.

Kicked

The days go by slowly. I get up, get ready, go to work, read, and go back to bed. I feel like something is missing from my life. I feel an indescribable pain..it limits me from doing what I want to do.
I hate feeling this way.

*Sigh* Right when I start making progress I end up going back to where I started from. I thought I was over this whole depression thing until my brain goes into hyper mode. I start to think about everything and my relationships with all my friends. I feel really bad for losing contact but I am too hurt to try and contact them because I have this thought that there is a reason they have not called me. One thing that is eating a hole in me is the fact that I have lost the communication I once had with family. I used to be able to contact them when I had a problem but now I don’t feel like I could. Even when we are together for family functions I feel like the odd ball out. It hurts

Infamaous Dinners

Some days when I sit and think about my motivation to succeed I can't help but think it's for the wrong reasons.
Tonight I had one of the infamous Beddoe dinners at my Grandparents house and once again I felt like I was belittled and criticized for my choices. I hate how whatever I do is never good enough. This is why I now choose to
We do what we can to protect the ones we love. Sometimes we hurt more than help though.
Love and hate are two of the strongest words I know. That is why I don’t understand why they are thrown around so often in daily conversation. I have made the mistake of using these words all too often in the past so now I use them only when I truly feel that way. I use hate very sparingly.
I live for the days that I get to lie on my back on the cool grass staring up at the clouds floating by in the blue sky without a care in the world.
I feel like a housewife. Currently I am jobless so I sit at home, feed the “kids”, and cook and clean. I feel proud that I made something really good for dinner only to get a “it’s ok” as a response.
So I have had a lot of time these last couple days to sit and think about things. I figured out that I never want to be a stay at home mom. Instead I would be a desperate housewife waiting for trouble.

Reading...yes I am trying something new

So yesterday was an interesting out of the ordinary day...or was it?

Erin and I spontaniously decided to go to Duluth and get some sushi. I was so bloated from stuffing my face with chex mix during the roadie that I could barely scarf down the dissapointingly disgusting spicy tuna rolls. I really miss Kyotos! Nothing is as good!
After I waddled out into the parking lot. I had to watch my steps so I wouldnt trip and burp up all the rice consimed. Don't worry..I made it!

Next our mission was to go to the Mall and get in some serious summer shopping. We are nerdy, so can you guess where the most of our money was spent? Barnes and Noble of course! I found some really cool books too. A large part of our day was spent browsing through the somewhat endless amounts of books. I really wanted to get a bunch of books but they only had them in hardcover so they were out of my budget. I love the smell of bookstores. Something about it has a claming effect on me. Maybe that is by I always park outside of it so that my nose is filled with the aroma before and after I shop! Yep Def. a NERD!

If only I had more money then I could have gotten more than three books. I am proud of what I found though. I bought a dream analysis book, another written by Ghandi, and Prozac Nation.
Last night Prozac Nation was taunting me so I gave in and read it. I actually read! Thats right me...reading for fun! I stayed up until like 3 in the morning even though I had to be to work by ten. Oh well I can sleep later. Not only did I stay up reading the book but I spent most of this afternoon reading it. It is so alluring I just cant put it down!

SO ok. Moving on to the rest of the day...

After leaving the bookstore I aimlessly drove around Duluth then had an epiphany! I WANT PIE! So where did I end up blindingly heading towards? None other than the world famous BETTY'S PIES! LOL

I think I really needed this mini road trip because I dont think I have laughed that much in a long time. Why laughing so much you ask? Well it happens when you are asking if the road is clear and someone screams so you slam on your brakes thinking there is and oncoming car when really there is just a giant billboard for a very yummy looking burrito!
For not knowing where and the heck Betty's was we got there. I dont know if it was my belly aching for PIE...or my womans intuition..but I got my pie. I bought a whole bumbleberry pie...still have not eaten it..but its time will come.

SO after venturing towards Canada just to get some pie we headed back home. Erin dropped me off at the C-Store to get the Jeep. I told her that I was right behind her and would be leaving shortly..which apparently means 3 hours later. What can I say? I get easily distracted by my dumpster diving, extreme mopping sext co-worker. lol. SO I finally get into the Jeep after strugling for a good 10 min just to open the door. I drive away and head back to Erins only to realize that I have no freaking gas! SO after freaking out on the phone..what to do what to do!...I finally have the genius idea to turn around and go back to the store. Where I got laughed at and harassed over the intercom.

On my drive home I hake a couple calls to try and catch up with my girls only to get voicemails. When I arrive their and sit down my phone rings and I ended up talking until it died at like midnight! So crazy. I kept having to switch to my other line and tell people I am on the other line. It was weird how I didnt get one call all day but once the clock strikes 10..lol

Motherly Instinct?

I think that I am a very motherly person. I like to care for people and make them feel better.

These past few day this has really sunk in as I find pleasure in staying home cooking and cleaning and being there for my dad as my mom is out of town. I like the responsibility but I get lonely being alone all day then seeing him for an hour before he has to go to bed. Although I like being like a mother I never could stay at home all day. This past week has been too much ME time. I have been thinking about everything and I really need to get out and socialize.

Maybe this is the reason I like working long hours? That way I can hide from my problems instead of being forced to face them nd think about them all the time.

During my reflection time I realized that people often come to me for help. I find this comforting knowing that I am doing something right. I like listening to people and helping them figure out their problems. Sometimes I help sometimes I make things worse but at least I tried. Right?

My favorite thing is cooking for people. I love seeing their face when they like my concoction. I get a feeling of accomplishment. The past couple days I have gone a little overboard with the cooking. Every night I have made something for someone else. Last night I made the most amazing pork chops! They were perfect. I really wanted to frame one. I also made my dad this awesome dark chocolate and peanut butter cake for his birthday. He cant stop om nom noming it so I take that as a compliment.

I cannot believe that the end of my sophmore year of college is over with. It seems like just yesterday it was the begining of the year and I was fighting with my roomate. Now we are a state apart.



I feel like in those two short years of school I have come so far and grown so much.

I know who I want to take me home...take me home.

All my life I have been told to be the bigger person and fix the situation when needed. Why? Why can't I be a normal nineteen year old and say: "Fuck this shit" and leave? Instead things fester inside of me until I am forced to do something so my conscience is cleared. I have been hurt so many times and been left in the cold so many times that it is getting harder and harder to fight for things to be right.

I just can't handle losing two close friends in one school year. You see how badly I was hurt by the last person who pushed me away. Therefore I thought you would understand how I would feel threatened in the current situation. I don't want this to turn into anything like how the last friendship ended. I value you more than that. I see your true colors and true potential that have become clearer as we became closer.

Weirded Out

So I took a nap today. I had the strangest dream that really freaked me out. I just lied on my bed for the longest time trying to figure out what its significance was.
It started off with me pissed off at Kelly for adding someone as a top friend on myspace. I got angry and had to walk it off. I was walking around campus and ended up walking towards the Rotunda. As I walked by the sculpture, I heard gunshots coming from inside the building. People started running out of the building towards me. I just stood there staring at the doors showing no emotion.

As everyone had started to disappear I walked in the doors. I thought I was at school but it was a different building. There were really high ceilings and lots of reds, yellows, and oranges. I felt really small standing there in this large empty building. I saw a bunch of couches in front of the window and decided to sit down. I sat and stared out the huge window that took up most of the wall. All of a sudden several middle aged people started sitting beside me. After being silent one by one they started asking me questions that were inaudible. I just continued to stare out the window.

Next thing I know, Melissa and I are going through this building that is supposed to be our school. We are being led by a teacher and a couple other people. We end up in this classroom in the basement with two bunk beds at the back of the room. It reminds me of a prison room. We are informed that we are looking for the weapon used. SO we start going through the drawers and cupboards. The room seemed to have shrunk because all of a sudden I feel really claustrophobic but continue to search. I find a drawer filled with loose skittles. I reach in, and end up finding the gun. I don't want to touch it so I left it.

Then, as I am peering at the wall, someone else comes in saying "I have a surprise for you". So I walk out of the room into the hallway. A tall boy wearing a white polo is being lead in by an older woman. He was holding a white baseball hat with a bat on the front of it in his hand. For some reason he was really excited to see me and kept smiling at me. I had the feeling to distance myself. He gave me a big hug and ended up handing the hat over to me as he put his arm around my waist. As I took the hat, he leaned into me and said, "I want to get to know you, and every freckle on your body. I have this freckle in the shape of a bat and I want you to get a tattoo of it so we will be connected forever. Do you have any tattoos?" He reached for my right hand. Ashamed, I of course pulled it away but then we continued walking down the hallway. We walked in complete silence. He was happy and I was suspicious of him.

I woke up to my phone ringing and the dream was over. I can kind of see where some things come into play but other things from my dream freak me out. Man I so am never eating candy before taking a nap.

Things

Be known for some awesome accomplishment

Become an elementary teacher

Get something published

Go to Europe

Take part in a mission trip

*wink*

At least visit Maine

Learn how to surf

Raise a family

Cliff jump

Ride an actual roller coaster

*Sigh* Matters of the Heart

I think the worst feeling is when you put more into a relationship than the other person. It doesnt matter if it is a freindhip or more it still has the same pain.

It hurts to get rejected with out any real explanation. I assume it is simply because the other person lost interest but it would be nice if they had the balls to say something instead f being ignored.

Random Blog...again

Ok so I am going crazy with random thoughts in my head.
It is currently a quarter to three a.m and I have to be up in a couple hours but I am wired...so I now write out some thoughts...


I just finished my first official lesson plan...all by myself...no partner...this is a big deal for me. I am super proud. I have a fun and interactive lesson on money for my third graders.

Tonight...scratch that last night...I went to see Frank Warren, the creator of Post Secrets, at Marquette. It was so interesting to hear so many secrets that I relate to...funny and sad. Two secrets I can share...that will make people laugh is...when I was younger I would collect the (clean) sanitary bags in the womens stalls from the bathrooms because they had flowers on them...then my mom had to explain how it was inapropriate to take those. Another is that ever since I started attending an all girl's school I have never been more sexualy frustrated. So yeah...I plan on writing a big secret that I want to say but I can't right now. As a reader I suggest that you also share a secret...it'll be fun.

Why is security so upity? Or creepy? Can Alverno not have normal security gaurds who dont check you out.

I am so ready for summer. It doesnt feel like I will be riding home next weekend but maybe it's because I don't know what I am going to be doing for the summer months.

I look really good right now...I would just like to point that out since normally after I have put so much work into something I look like a crazy person with hair going in every direction and my makeup is all smeared....but no no..I got this sexy librarian thing going on for me.

I love music. It is a fabulous feeling when you find the perfect song to fit the moment and you walk away with a feeling of satisfaction.

I miss my lil viking! I think I will have to go home just so we can have our camping trip again for our b-days. It has been too long! Oy!

I wish my stupid brother woud call me. I miss when he would actually harass me about my life and ask about my boy situation then would get a little upset that I went to another "brother-esque" person. Goooood the punk. We used to have good times..stupid 2,000 miles of seperation.

Why is it that 2 weeks is that magical number where boys just get all weird and stop calling?

I wish my cold would go away so I could breathe without being wheezy.

My mom makes me laugh because I see similarities in her and her mother in law whom she strongly dislikes...but I still love my momma!

It really hurts looking in the past sometimes. I don't want to go back to the times that were painful but it has been essential for moving on.

My hair is getting long. I was deleting a bunch of pics off my computer (only about 237 lol) and my hair is so long now...compared to this summer. My hair looked so gross back then. Why did people tell me I looked good? lol

I have this weird craving to dance around in the rain to Smother Me by The Used...I don't know why.

I have a weird thing about rain..one time I laid on the roof while it was raining and slipped on my bathroom floor at 2 in the a.m as I was climbing back in...only to find a very pissed of mother looking at me with the...what the fuck are you trying to kill yourself...kinda look

I am tempted to pack but I don't know if my emotions can hande it. For some reason packing has an emotional tie...maybe cuz...I have moved every 5 yrs. I am not ready to accept that the dynamics of my friendships are going to change now.

I had a messed up dream the other night. I need to get it analyzed because it is not normal to have these kinds of dreams...lol

Ok I am getting dizzy.

Bedtime.

Wish me luck for teaching in...5 hours!

Peace

Poop in a shoe...I got no clue....except maybe to heal this cut with glue...and eat some fondue

It is really starting to scare me knowing that summer is going to be here in two weeks. I will have to work my ass of in classes and other school activities in order to be done by then. I can do it but it is hard to maintain my confidence when I am trying to juggle other things at the same time.


I have had a lot of things thrown at me in the last week that have really been difficult to balance. Some thing's I can talk about while others I have to figure out on my own.

One is what am I going to do this summer? Where am I going to stay? I have been offered a couple of nanny jobs but they didn't work with what I needed so I had to decline. Now, however, I have an ideal situation that would require me to stay in Milwaukee. It would be nice to be close to my Alverno girls but I also miss my home peeps. If I go home I have the option to work at Auntie Em's or I will try and get a job at a daycare.

I have this feeling like I wouldn't feel like it was summer if I didn't get to go home. It would be a major change not being at the lake everyday after work or stalking the Miner's house, sleeping on their couch and eating all of their food. I would miss my pupparoo, my dad's crazy antics, random fancy homemade dinners with my mom, late night rebellion with Erin, corner dancing with Gabe and Erin then diving in the bushes when cars come, photoshoots with everyone….and of course I would miss my loverly dumpster diver! Who am I going to fawn after for these long three months?

Maybe I have to let go of wanting these things and accepting that they are just fun memories from the past that I will have the chance to do once again, just not this summer. I guess I could look at me staying in Milwaukee as me growing up and accepting responsibility instead of having fun? Right? I dunno. I am so torn. I really want to be able to work a boatload to earn some money but I also want to enjoy my time off of school.

Another thing on my mind is being sick. I feel miserable and it is really hard to accomplish what I need to get done when I am being isolated by people who don't want to get sick. Lol. I am such a weird person when I am sick so it's understandable that people distance themselves. I have to do things in a certain way so that it doesn't hurt as bad which looks and sounds weird to the outsider. Man everything just hurts. I feel like such a baby. I can't sleep because my ears hurt and I have to sleep a certain way so the pressure doesnt pop out my eyeballs and when I fall asleep I wake up from coughing then cant fall back asleep because my throat hurts from coughing the wrong way. Then I realize I am hungry but, nothing looks good except for weird foods that I don't even have access to. So I eat what I have available and it doesn't agree with me so then I am back to being hungry. I feel so uncomfortable and miserable since nothing is really working to stop the pain. Damn cold. It figures I would get sick when there are only two weeks left.

Reassurance

I can do this. I always have had a good connection with people and I am generally effective with communication. Today was reassuring for any doubts that I had about teaching. I walked into the class with Jessica and immediately several students started doing their frantic…"Oh Miss Brooke! Miss Brooke!" waves. It's nice knowing that I am doing something right since the third graders look forward to me coming. At times, all of this may get overwhelming when I am trying to explain something to a group and I have students trying to talk over me. The overwhelming feeling subsides when you see that light in a student turn on when they have found connection with your help. I look forward to feeling that sense of accomplishment everyday when I see that look.

I aspire to be the teacher I rarely had. I want to set up a warm and inviting classroom that people look forward to coming into. I want to be that extra set of ears available when my students don't feel safe at home. I have had the advantage of having one teacher who went above and beyond the normal standards. For that she is who I aspire to be.

Quote of the Day

“I am surprised how in class you don’t share very often in class discussions…I am amazed at the insights you share in your papers…you find connections other students don’t”

Fairytale lesson

So, last Wednesday, I did my first lesson plan to my third graders...ALL 33 OF THEM. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. I was so nervous but the kids were eager to hear what "Miss Brooke" came up with for the day.
I started by talking about the classic examples of fairytales such as:
Rapunzel, Sleeping Beauty, Three Little Pigs and so on.
Next, I gave them the assignment to come up with their own version of a fairytale. They had to include:
antoganists,
protagonists,
and a problem these characters face and how they overcame it.
I told them they could be super creative and make up things as long as they included the above.
If they had time, they could draw pictures of their stories.

After half and hour they had to present their stories to the class.

This is the first group's story:
Once upon a time there was 3 dragons brothers. There names Ryan, Brandon, and Jaione. One day their mother kick them out because they were getting to big. There mother kick them so hard they went up to the sky and landed on a cloud. All the brothers decided to build houses. The first dragon, Ryan, built a nest made out of sticks. The second dragon, Brandon, built a nest out of mud and sticks. The third dragon, Jaione, built a nest made out of bricks. Then one day a knight came along. She decided to chop up Ryans nest. " Ahh!" Ryan yelled.

Second group:
The Adventures of Mazy Mouse and The Attack of Robber Rat
Once upon a a glorious, super hero, Mazy Mouse day, Mazy Mouse was walking on a dirt road and stuffing down some cheese! Then right at the moment she heard some cry for help. "HELLLLLPPPP!"
So then Mazy Mouse was so mad she smashed here cheese into little bites. So then she flew to the sean and saw Robber Rabbit robbing the Market. Robber Rabit was stealing cheeseballs! That made Mazy Mouse VERY angry.
Robber rabbit ran and hit Mazy with such force and got away in his robber mobile.

Group Three
Once a ponda time, in the time of R2-D2 there were three heroes named Kitty, Suds, and Dufis. They lived in a spung-chip city. One day, UFOs were killing people one by one. But the spong-chicks bang there butts in to the UFOs. The UFOs died!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (yes they used that many exclamation points) They ran away like a baby. The city lived happyly ever after. The End

Group Four:
Once upon a time two knights traveled to a dark casel to slay a firee breathinng dragon and to fight a wizerd. When thay saw them ride away. So the two knights caute the wizard and the dragen and they started a big war.

Now a couple stories I made up with the help of friends.

The Snail meets a new friend
by Brooke and Gale
Shlug shlug..lug lug…shlug shlug. The little innquizitive snail slid down a trail made of large slippery pebbles. Bam! He abruptly stopped his travels by running into a large fuzzy bumble bee in his way. "What's sliding friend?" the snail asked. However, the bumble bee stayed silent and blinked his large black eyes at the snail. This fuzzy bumble bee couldn't talk because his lips were sealed together with bubble gum. The slug felt sorrow for the poor bumble bee who couldn't talk so he gathered some saliva and smeared it on the bumble bee's lips. The bumble bee's lips quivered open but still he was unable to utter a word. "Hmm.." thought the snail, "What else is wrong with my new friend?"
The bumble bee pointed to his throat with his pollen basket, and could only gurgle indefinable words. The snail took a closer look at the bumble bee's throat and noticed there was a large jawbreaker lodged in it. "Oh no!" the slug exclaimed, "How are we going to get this out? Aha! My trustee plunger!" The snail pulled his lime green plunger out of his back slime pocket. He then sucked out the jawbreaker with his mighty green plunger. The jawbreaker went flying in to the distance. "Hallelujah!" both exclaimed! "Vous aviez épargné ma vie cher !" the bee exclaimed. The snail appeared shocked. "????" he replied in Chinese. "Holy crap I can speak Chinese! Well, maybe not." It was a sad day for both creatures knowing that they had communication barriers. However the snail got really close to the bumble bee and gave him a big hug! Both were happy and remained friends throughout time.

The Maidens
by Issa and Brooke
Once upon a time, in a far away concrete jungle, there lived two fair maidens high above the world..in room 483. They dreamt about a magical land where there were beautiful trees and bountiful amounts of men riding on white steeds coming to save them from their mass of estrogen. These were no simple men, they instead had the ability to ravage these fair maidens. It was rather awkward for the first maiden, Madilia, had long entangling bushels of blonde hair. The second maiden, Rilla, had short, kinky, unmanageable curls of an unrecognizable color, going every which way. In all reality they were quite a sight. Rather horrendous one might say. Both of them were quite the dreamers. Madilia dreamt of escaping her fate of a vampire sex slave. She got to run off in the sunset with a handsome man while Rilla had to eternally stay to please the vampires. Which she liked…in the dream. Rilla however dreamt of her possible past life where she had killed a couple people. It was a gruesome tale with screaming blood and guts. After waking from these dreams Rilla pondered how this is probably the reason she remains single. These dreams had come upon while they had passed out from typing ye old royal b.s of a paper. Unbeknownst to them these dreams were their future unraveled to them in the gift of a dream.

Empathy

Happiness is not a matter of intensity but of balance, order, rhythm and harmony." Thomas Merton
"Women need real moments of solitude and self-reflection to balance out how much of ourselves we give away."
I pride myself on being empathetic, but recently it has proved itself to be beneficial and detrimental. In the past couple weeks, I have felt as though I am diffusing; parts of me going every which way. I try to make myself obtainable with the intentions to help friends and family, however, people have been taking advantage of my availability. I take on their tasks without objections even though I may have other priorities at the time. Part of the reason is because I find gratification when I can successfully help solve a problem. When things don't work, I take it upon myself to try and fix the problem even if it is too big of a task. This has resulted in me neglecting my own needs. I feel drained.
All of this has been on my mind, so, I have been separating myself from people in order to fix what I need to in my own life. Please don't take my actions or words as signs of being pretentious when I have the sole purpose of fulfilling my own needs. I get crabby when things get in my way of doing this, which helps explain my verbal lashing out. All I really need at this point is a little time to sit and stare out my window or lay in bed reading and listening to music alone without being bombarded with questions about why I am being so lazy. (It hurts when I hear that…more than you would think.)
It just takes a couple of hours for me to calm down but I have not even been able to get that with the craziness in my life lately. I am not mad…just frustrated. Give me a second to breathe and sing at the top of my lungs and I will be back to normal in no time.

Oh Mr. Basile!

So today was a wonderful day. The sun was shining...the heat was rising..and the laughs were increasing.
It all started with a wonderful trip to Target....but what is new.
When I was there I decided to get lavender seeds, soil, and a cute pot so i could attempt to show my green thumb off to my wingmates. I was horribly unsuccesful and my finished product resulted in a laugh attack. Then depression. I discovered I am so far from having a green thumb it is instead a black thumb. Things die under my watch. I attempted to put everything together with many unsuccesfull attempts then when I thought I had correctly assembled the seeds in the pot I ran into Kellys room to show off my work and dropped it all over her floor. I tried to put all the soil back in the pot but random other things got stuck in the dirt. So now..I have a jar of dirt with Kelly's hair and oreo crumbs sitting in the window with the hope a flower sprouting.
After I sat and pout on my bed Anne and Kelly rush in laughing at my black thumb for gardening and decided that in order to cheer me up we should eat. lol.
Kelly, Anne, Lindsey and I all ended up in a car not knowing where we were going to eat... by nature Lindsey took the exit toward the Korean resteraunt only to realize that the other exits we needed were closed for construction. So wew took a scenic route. Me being the pessimistic one decides to talk about how great this is since now we get a closer look at downtown Milwaukee. Everyone else is grumbling about the traffic while I am sitting pointing at the buildings oohing and ahhing. We finally got to Seoul and got sat in our usual corner. We all got our usual..except me I decided to be adventurous and get the number 25. 15 minutes go by and everyone gets their food (rice, meat, chili sauce, lettuce, soup, water, green tea, and side dishes.) All I got was rice, soup, side dishes, and tea. I consumed my appitizer stuff while I waited for my food. I even ventured out of my safe zone and attempted to try the squid Kimchi with cucumbers. Ugh...*shudders* oh man was that sick! I felt like I was knawing on a tendon with a suction cup thrown in every once in a while. To try and wash the icky taste outta my mouth I had a sip of hot tea. The green liquid was an interesting concoqution. It tasted like they had stewed some old herbs with sweaty socks..wasnt really my thing. SO I sat and waited for my food and watched everyone chow down on theirs while I sat an lit my chopsticks on fire...then got the candle taken away.The waitress came and went while I waited for my food..it took forever. Finally half an hour later I got the beast. I didnt know what to think. I had this giant fucking bowl of soup that was about a foot in diameter. I thought I ordered dumplings and rice cakes but I guess they decided to give a hot tub with it that I could enjoy them in. This bowl so so huge. It scared me because there were unrecognizable things floating around...I think I saw a boot floating around.
So after I consumed a large portion of this pond that they called dinner...I called it quits and got the rest to go. We ventured back to Alverno as I felt the boot kicking back.
The next part of our evening Hannah, Kelly, Jess, Kristen, Anne, and I went to the Babylon Circus concert. I wasn't really sure what to expect. We got the the theater and I got sat next to a man who's girlfriend had something against me because once I said hey she decided to maul him. I swear I was waiting for this chick to piss around him to make sure her terrotory was claimed! I was getting so closterphobic..so Kelly and I moved to the end of the row instead of the freaking middle. This all happened before the show started by the way.. So this mess of foreign men come on the stage and start a frantic mess of music and get the crowd going. It was crazy thinking we were at Alverno and these men were getting the Alum and undergrads to shake their bums. Slowly some of the older people who couldnt handle the loud music left while my group of friends went up to the stage to mosh. So effing fun! I got to hop around with my girls and let go and laugh at how ridiculous we were at times! As the concert went on I fell more in love with the crazy music. It was so different from my normal scene but awesome. Slowly more people got up and danced while I got pushed toward the stage closer to the creepy couple to my left. There were these two people that were dry humping at the front of the stage and were going to town...it was sick...people kept gasping when they looked over to them.
Ok so continuing with the concert...
I fell in like with the bass player..he was this scruffy man with a 5 o'clock shadow, buzz cut, glasses, wife beater, and of course a bass guitar. OMG! I cannot count the number of times I bit my lip while looking at this pure sex...oy! I was so naughty. OH man and his smile made me melt!
SO the concert went on and I noticed this sax player getting closer and coser to me and kept glancing in my direction throughout the concert. Eventually it turned into freaking eye sex! Hard core..I was in shock because I didnt find him attractive but found it hilarious how he would look at me and thrust his hips, smile, wink..and so on...lol
Ok...so the concert ends and I really wanted to go up to the bass player and ask him to have my children but I knew it would be a bit much. lol So I didnt go over there when they were all signing autographs but I waited for the girls to get their autographs. Kelly really wanted a smoke so we waited and then headed outside and ended up smoking with the sexy band members! Even the bass player...who i found out is named Basile...came out..Oy! The sexyness! He kept smiling and I felt so giddy and stupid! I wanted to just be like..oy your hot! Kelly and I talked with a couple of the guys then went back to the guyless dorms...sadness!

:-o

I am so sick of people stealing credit for things that I do.

May it be accross the stars

I am a dreamer. Ever since I was little I have been wishing on stars hoping that the things that I want will come true. No questions asked. One day they will come if I am patient. As a child I was raised to be religious and to believe in God. However, I never really could see God so it was hard for me to believe in him. Since I couldn’t see him how could I trust that he could answer my prayers? That is when I started looking up to the stars late at night hoping that my dreams would come true because I could see them. So, I felt a symbolic connection to stars.
As I grew up I started to realize that my wishing to the stars will not get me anywhere. I began to question where exactly are my wishes going if I am asking for something from a million year old ball of gas? That is when I started growing up and slowly started seeing the bigger picture and began questioning my surroundings.
I may no longer go to the stars hoping to receive my request but every time I look up at the night sky I am reminded of my past childhood. Instead, now I use stars as a motivation tool. They are my reminder to try and reach for the best and go for what I want in life instead of having it handed to me for no reason. I feel as though working for something will bring many more benefits than simply being handed what I want. I have something to look forward to getting over time instead of being handed it.

Blood, Sweat, and Testosterone

It is funny how these three things for some reason get a rise out of me when they are combined in the form of hockey. I don’t know if it is because I am so sick of the lack of testosterone in my life or the intensity of the sport. It sure was something.
As I sit in the cold, blue, folding chair I get such a rush seeing all these aggressive men passing the puck across the ice and slamming into one another, occasionally sending pucks flying in front of my face.
I look over I see the wives and girlfriends of the players cheering their men on blowing kisses as I vomit in my mouth ( metaphorically). I couldn’t help but think about what it would be like to be that girl. Honestly, I don’t think I could do it. I couldn’t be that trophy stay-at-home wife. As I start to observe them they have some similarities. Many of them are waving their perfectly manicured fists in the air as I am shaking my short, chipped, pink nails in excitement over an almost goal. Their long highlighted blonde hair sits on their shoulders while I am totally rocking the bum- chic look with bed head curls. I keep thinking about how in high school it was such a big accomplishment to date a jock.
Sure it would be fun for a minute, but, I would rather oogle someone over their humor and wit than their body. Buff guys are fun to look at for a minute but I would rather get into an intense battle over which is a cooler dinosaur then burp and try and change the subject. I guess I am attracted more to the nerdy type, maybe because that’s how I would define myself. How else would you define someone who can be found reading a happy dino book while wearing glasses and a Spiderman shirt in a sea of Abercrombie, cosmo reading girls?
This attraction was obvious today when some friends and I were walking down the street and a bunch of guys walked by. We all commented about how sexy they were. Later, I found out I was the only one referring to the awkwardly tall chubby guy in glasses in the back of the group sporting a Spiderman t-shirt (nothing better than a love for Spiderman!). I would totally be his if he was like Napoleon Dynamite (and those giant sexy teeth! Lol) Oh man and the other day I was watching Beauty and the Geek and got all excited when one of the guys got super excited that they were going to Comic-Con. That was sexy. Maybe it’s the passion that I am attracted to? Who knows. I am a weirdo I suppose. Now if only I can find a guy like that who is attracted to tall odd girls who are super random…and drink too much coffee late at night? Haha that would be funny but I think pigs will fly before it happens.

One and Lonely

I feel like I am losing pieces of me.
I see everybody moving on to the next chapters of thier lives as I stay in the same spot.
Relationships forming..legal unions between two people..new additions to families...new homes..new pets...new paint...while I...try and find my new something or another.
As I grow up I find it getting harder and harder to move through changes in my life. I find myself becoming too comfortable in my surroundings getting used to the people and places. I need to learn to be less attatched so it is less painful when I lose something.
I am not ready to move on.
I dont want to, I want to stay in the moment.
I hate this feeling.

My Pursuit to Happyness

March 13, 2008
All of my life I have been questioning who I am. Where is my place in the world? Where do I stand? What are my strengths and weaknesses?

I have felt inferior to other people thinking I wasn’t:
Pretty, smart, strong, thin, fast, artistic, creative, analytical, religious, friendly……GOOD enough.

I have come to the tough realization that the people in my life who I respected, loved, and become friends with, who came in and out of my life, sometimes were toxic to my mental health changing the way I was thinking and acting. They had me think that these words described me by what they said to me or showed me. I had spent too much time hating who I was, dreading looking in the mirror. This may not have been their intention but instead their way of dealing with our personal differences. It changed me and actually made me who I am today which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

I am learning to grow from it. OK. So my grandma calls me fat and makes comments about how I made a bad choice going into education. Is it true? No. That is her opinion on MY LIFE. Ok. I respect her but could never hate her for it. Instead I can move on and realize that these things don’t define me. I am who I am. I may be called dumb, fat, ginat, bitchy, selfish, and so on but it is not who I am. It is a persons opinion sparked by something they may have not agreed with.

Differences happen. However, the difference between levels of maturity is how you deal with these differences. This transition isn’t a changing from bad to good, but simply a part of growing up. As you move through life you are affected by your surroundings and slowly begin to find who you are. So far I have done a lot of thinking since I have moved around and met new people. I am still working on finding my path but slowly moving towards accepting me for who I am.

Reflecting on all this, I realized it’s not that these labels are my definition but merely the opinions of those around me. It depends on my own will to live in or out of these labels.

I really wish that it hadn’t taken 19 years to make this discovery. Even though it has been difficult, it’s worth going through the ups and downs of life knowing I am changing for the better.

Random Thoughts

Random thoughts:
Last night I couldn't fall asleep due to a killer stomache pain/ migrane so I just laid in bed from midnight till two in the morning. At two, I got up and decided I may as well do something to make myself tired. So I walked down the hall, went pee. As I was coming back into my room I read what Melissa changed her status on her whiteboard to: "Melissa is dreaming of you!" Sounds normal....sorta. So... I sit down at my computer and put in my headphones and I hear this weird noise. I pause my music and listen. At first all I hear is Melissa grinding her teeth...then I swear she must have gotten to a good part of her dream. She started moaning and mumbling and was smiling. I am scared to think of whom she was refering to on that little board.
Today, as I was walking back to the dorms, I look around the snow covered campus then bring my attention back to the strech of concrete below my feet. I have walked over it so many times with a handful of different people. Some still are my friends, others lost touch. Countless memories on one stretch of concrete. I wont go into them now but they are still in my mind. Today one smudge on the top of the access card reader sparked my memory. I thought back to the night that Lindsey and I convinced a girl from the commons to give us a bag of whipped cream at thanksgiving. At first we put it on our pie then she kept squirting it in my mouth....then we walked back to the dorms and had the great idea to launch it back and forth....getting it all over the sidewalk. Lastly before it was taken away I squirted it on top of the access card holder. Eventually the whipped cream pile started dissolving ironically like my friendship with Lindsey. We started getting more and more distant. We went down different paths in a few short months. The saddest thing is that instead of fighting to get back a friend I gave up. Why put energy into something that isnt going to work? Looking back at who I used to be when we were friends it is probably for the best.
The Reasons I Can Wait/ Where I want to be: Barefoot walks back to the lake with Chloe.....sitting rowing in the water for a couple hours reading some trashy book....drinking fresh lemonade...wearing obnoxiouly large sunglasses....loosing and oar when Chloe becomes impatient and jumps out...watching the clouds float by....feet being nibbled by sunnies as I hang them out of the boat....
Loading up the car with the perfect mix of c.ds....driving with the windows down....music blaring....eating cheetos till our hands turn orange...drinking rockstar till you can no longer stand me....singing Avril at the top of our lungs only to loose our voices later in the day....waving to cars as they pass only to get evil glares....laughing at funny restaruants like "Steve and Tim's Donuts" which has many secrets well at least we think so.....changing completly as you hold the wheel and I take my foot off the gas....contemplating stopping for a cow tipping....and of course stopping at Betty's Pies "We have to stop....THEY ARE WORLD FAMOUS!"

Hmph

Where is my epiphany? I feel like I am waiting for that moment where something big is unveiled. The moment when I figure everything out has to be close. Right?

Jewlery Box

Its funny how something as simple as a jewelry box can be so sentimental. There are so many memories and moments shut in one floral box. As I go through them I find that, unintentionally, many have a strong sentimental meaning. As I sit sifting through my tangled mess I come across the earrings I walked up and got my diploma in. I remember the awesome feeling of being done with high school and being able to go on with the next chapter. Then there’s the necklace I made the night I found out who my best friend really was as I slipped beads on the fishing line while we laughed and talked about art class. Ugh then I came across the earrings the boy who turned out to be wrong got me. Man they are cool but filled with evil memories! Next I spy the little plastic hearts I wore when I went to Magic Kingdom for the first time. I remember waiting in line to get on Space Mountain nervous as can be, with my friends reassuring me that I would survive. Oh boy, now the summer earrings I was forced to remove in order to continue working in the stupid deli. The next one’s I can’t get myself to wear because they are from a friend who broke my heart as she left without saying goodbye. OHHH now it’s the white gold cross I wanted to be a bike on my 18th birthday. Now I am to the section that I have all of my mom’s old jewelry in. I remember watching her as a little girl getting ready for work slowly applying her make-up then spritzing the same perfume on her wrists and at her neck. Under her perfume scented jewels I find the bold broaches from the woman I never got to know, the gold hoops I was called fake in, the square hoops, I, in an effort to conform bought…but never wore, the earrings I got from my grandma the last time I saw my grandpa alive, the earrings that always spark conversations about sex with their questionable shape, the earrings I got the first time I realized I had boobs… real boobs, the earrings I wore the night I realized what I wanted to do with my life, oh and the stupid effing necklace I wore on a night that was supposed to be a wonderful moment in my high school history…but ended up being…lonely. Its weird thinking how something inanimate can spark such emotion. These are really descriptive things…remembering emotions and smells, the moment I was in.

At first I thought organizing my jewelry box was going to be proof of how much I am addicted to shopping but instead I am finding it to be an emotional experience as I tuck each memory away with the jewelry.

Bitter about the day?

So even though all day I have been telling people that I hate this over rated holiday….I love it! I am just bitter that I do not have a boy that is fawning over me. I want to be in that head over heels love where you don’t care about anything else that is going on around you. I want to know that there is a man that is out there thinking about me everyday and is willing to show how much he loves by getting me a little card on Valentines day.

Reflecting on the day however it made me think about what I love about myself.
1. I love how in the morning right when I get out of the shower and I have a towel on my head I feel incredibly sexy.
2. I love how even in a world filled with money hungry and technology driven people I can still get the most enjoyment out of running outside and jumping in puddles.
3. I love the way my eyes look right after a good cry.
4. I love how right when I think I have discovered myself….I find something that was hidden, something new to explore.
5. I love how it took me almost 20 years to realize how much my parents love me…now I never want to loose the connection we have.
6. I love how I am so many contradictions…..but it works it makes me well rounded.
7. I love how I know when to hold back and when to let loose.
8. I love that I don’t need big things to keep me happy. I have learned from a humble upbringing, to enjoy the little things like a handwritten note and a couple of funny drawings.

These little things help me realize that someone took the time to make me something.

simple assignment

It is interesting when we are taken out of an area of comfort. When I had been given a quick assignment on communication barriers I was stressed about becoming stressed about a simple assignment knowing I had a limited amount of time for something that required so much thought. This exercise actually helped me to become more confident in my work. Instead of giving up I wanted to complete the assignment the best I could. Funny to think I was worried I was a slacker.

Who

I help too much. I am like a coach constantly giving advice to the people who request it. Who is going to be my coach?

Stand Back

Today I found to be a very reflective day. I got a chance to step back and see things from a different perspective. As I was sitting at dinner it really made me think about my life. I had quite a bit of time to think as there was silence on my end of the table. I couldn’t believe how selfish and narrow minded the people I was with were. Quite frankly I didn’t like them due to their awesome ability to hurt me in the past. I felt that they were some of the worst people for me at the time. Who knew that two people could entertain themselves with such simple conversations which meant it was about them. From this dinner I came to the conclusion that even though a person is older than you it doesn’t mean that they have the same maturity level. I feel this way after thinking about how the people I was with were older but still were less mature. As I was sitting at dinner I found myself thinking how out of place I felt with the people who were my “dates”. It is really embarrassing to think that these two were the ones I thought were closest to me in the area however they couldn’t be farther away from me.

Dear Ron Paul's Lover

I am who I am. The essence of me will remain the same. However, with time I will be introduced to new ideas and concepts that will shape who I will become one day. Just because I am "not political" as you have called me, does not mean that I do not care about the things happening in the United States. I care about the future and I believe that things need to change but I may not take hands on approach like you may. I go about things in my own way and at my own pace. It s not your privilege to tell me what to do and how to do it. If you want to go and have your Dr. Paul love triangle with another girl...so be it. Just leave me out of you political jibber jabber.
Its funny things like this just show our difference in our ideas of an open mind. I am not perfect and I let it show. I f you were actually a good person you would accept my flaws instead of making me change who I am to be more like you or who you want me to be. I need time to do things not just a second and bam...look at me now...no I don't think so! Sure I have thought about the new ideas that you have presented me with but I need more time to process them. I take a lot of time to try and decipher these ninja like messages. Rome wasn't built in a day mother fucker.
P.S You are a bore to me and my roommate thinks you still are gay...I still have yet to meet a straight guy who knows more about mud masks than I do.
P.S.S Have fun with Ron Paul...too bad he has like 10 percent of the votes as of yesterday!

Who needs it..

So in about a week it will be the dreaded Valentines Day. It is the day to spend time celebrating your love with a significant other and show how much you love them…yada yada yada. Well I don’t have a significant other so this year I am going to do something different. I am going to celebrate my love for myself. I decided this because who better to know what I really want and who loves me more? I am not sure what I am going to do at this time but hey….I got to week.

Art is an interesting form of expression. It doesn’t matter what form it comes in there are always multiple interpretations depending on the persons background. It can be something as simple as a 6 word short story that can make you think about the deeper meaning of life.

The list that will cause me to be a single parent with a pie shop

So after a night full of silly over dramatic love movies....I decided to put together an over the top list.

What I want in a man:.
-Someone to tell me I am beautiful as I am lying in bed feeling as though I am on my death bed with a red nose and dark circles around my eyes.
-Someone who will appreciate my weird taste in music. So what if one minutes I am listening to the smooth sounds of Gavin Degraw then the next I am screaming along with My Chemical Romance.
-Someone to get me flowers just because. It doesn't really matter where they come from. (a garden or a store)
-Someone to rub my hip as I bitch and moan about how much it hurts.
-Someone to sit and listen as I go on a rant about how unappreciated teachers are these days.
-Someone who will accept how I love taking pictures of myself.
-Someone who isn't embarrassed to come with me to the doctor since I am normally scared.
-Someone who will make sure there is always a light on when I sleep or if it isn't available will let me sleep in his arms so I feel safe.
-Someone who will say they will beat up whoever I am hating at the moment then never follow through because they now it is just my hormones.
-Someone to sit and hold my hand on the side of the road without any other expectations.
-Someone to protect me when I have had to much to drink.
-Someone who will call me everyday even if it is for a minute just to say "Hi" not feeling pressured.
-Someone who will wrestle with me and be aggressive just for fun.-Someone who will give me affection just because.

Dear Jane Blosberg

The following is a letter I wrote to my fifth grade teacher recently:


Hello Jane,
I don't know if you remember me but I was in your 5th grade class at Zimmerman junior high in the 98/99 school year. I recently had to write a paper about the teacher who had a positive influence on us and I actually wrote it about you. I just wanted to say that even though I have not been your student in over 9 years I still am thankful for you being there for me back in the day. I am currently a sophomore at Alverno College I was majoring in nursing but changed my major recently to elementary education with a minor in English. You actually were a big part of my decision to change my major. The main tie in all of my possible career choices was that I wanted to help kids in the way that you had helped me and made me feel comfortable in the classroom even when I may not have been accepted by other classmates. It’s odd how the one thing that sticks out in my mind is a time when the whole class was teasing and laughing at me and you just sat in the hall hugging me as I cried. I don’t know why I remember that so vividly. To this day I still admire you for being such a wonderful teacher. You always had the best attitude and always wore a smile. You made learning fun mixing in fun activities to reinforce the lessons. I hope to be at least half as great as you were. I want to try and be the most positive influence on one of my future students. So thank you so much for everything. Remember that though you may not realize it you have a strong impact on your students and I as one of them admire you for that.

Oh and if you were wondering how I found you I was doing research for another class and was like "I wonder what would happen if I typed in Jane Blosberg" Oddly enough I found you and you are now a second grade teacher...at Brainerd where my favorite choir teacher Mr. Stubbs now teaches...and that’s where some of my family lives. Oh! I actually was hoping to one day teach second grade. It is funny how things happen. I feel kind of stupid sitting here late at night crying over how weird this is...a happy cry not sad...but still weird.
Any who, once again thank you!

Music is so...

It just takes a few chords on a piano to really unlock some intense feelings. Bringing me back in time to those moments I had tried to lock away and get rid of. Then that damn song comes on the play list unlocking everything I had tried so hard to get rid of. I hate but also love the effect music has on me. So many songs remind me of the same person. You know who keeps popping into my mind every time a song is played. It is really getting ridiculous I don’t know why he has this effect on me. He doesn’t care why should I care so much about him?
I really hate people at times so much I want to dive into a very large hole and escape from all this fucking bullshit! I want avoid any contact with people since it usually ends up with me being pissed. I am a fucking crazy person.
Man, I just want to go to that summer day. When it is the perfect temperature where I can sit on the edge of the water, the cool water licking my toes, the warm summer breeze wrapping around my arms and down my back. I want to be able to take in that sunset with the colors of peaches and raspberries. Savor that every moment when it seems like all is right in my life. All my problems float away for that minute of peace and serenity. Its funny how I always want to be around people but when I am by the waters edge. They don’t matter. This is my moment the one time when I don’t have to worry about making them happy this is purely for me. I don’t have to feel guilty. Why should I? Its funny how these pictures are what center me in such a crazy life. I can such imagine those days when I actually get to be there but for now I have those moments in my mind.

Camoflage

It’s funny how something as simple as a smile can be the greatest camouflage. As you look through a photo album you see countless pictures of a person through the years growing up. You would find picture after picture of happy moments in their life, victories small and big. Sometimes I wonder what if there were photos of the times when they were hurt and down. What if you saw the things they didn’t want you to see? Would this new insight in their life change your opinions and views of them or would things stay the same?

New Semester With a Not So New Start

Why is it so hard to earn a second chance in life? It seems as though you would have to move to another county with a whole new set of people. I make mistakes often not learning my lessons the first time around so I have to learn by being hurt the second or third time around.

So another wonderful semester here at Alverno has started. I am proud to say that I am now starting my fourth semester making me a sophomore! GO ME! This semester I am set on being my own personal cheerleader. I need to realize and acknowledge my own personal and public victories. I am not a failure at life. I am alive. I am 19 years into this thing called life. I am employed with a somewhat steady pay. I have food in the fridge. I am intelligent in my own ways. It is nice but isn’t essential for me to be told this by any family or friends. I am who I am. I need to stop trying to bring myself down by comparing myself to others. I am Brooke not anyone else therefore I cannot do things the same as others.

Waiting games

I keep hearing that good things come to those who wait. Well I am waiting…for something anything wonderful. When is my day going to come? When am I going to get the things I hope and secretly wish for? Am I always going to be pining for things only to have to wait 12 years to get them?
I hate how depressed I get when I go out and see couples walking around holding hands. Why can’t I have that? What is wrong with me? Why is it that these girls who are not the prettiest get boyfriends? Am I just too ugly and intimidating? I just want a special someone in my life who will care about me and walk around town with me holding my hand and glaring at those who check me out. Ugh I hate how the thoughts of being with someone constantly flood my mind then I think about how I don’t and won’t have those moments.

Unrealistic dreams

I wonder: "what he is up to? Does he like me? Does he think I am crazy?" Ugh these sorts of Aaron thoughts are laced throughout my day. It is really starting to piss me off! I just want to get him out of my mind and forget about him since he has no interest in me. Why does this boy capture my attention the way that he does? I don’t find myself constantly thinking about other boys even other people as I do him. It is rather annoying. When I am in his presence I act like a fool stupid and giddy. I am an intelligent independent girl! Why is that I think that I need a boy I don’t even really know? Ugh what is wrong with me? I hate how I constantly am obsessed with him and how I foolishly picture our future together without him ever knowing of any of it. I keep hitting myself now whenever I think of him. Stupid me for thinking such silly unrealistic thoughts!

Stupid Love

Ever since I went to see the romantic movie P.S I Love You I have been in this emotional rut and I don’t understand why. I feel angry and depressed. I feel like I am going to be alone for the rest of my life. I just want to feel loved and wanted is that too much to ask? Today I feel like I am in such a rut and can’t laugh and can’t cry. In order for me to deal with it I once again cut myself but my leg wasn’t good enough so I cut my arm as well. Why am I so mopey? I don’t even want to do anything but lay around. I feel like just a waste of breath today. Why even talk….who will listen?

I don’t understand why boys are so confusing. Why can’t they just say what they feel instead of playing mind games?

Happy New Year

So it is a new year and I don’t have anything to really complain about at this point which is an awesome thing for me. Lately I have found myself complaining far too much and it is an ugly side of me I want to try and take out of my life. Really what do I have to complain about? I am a somewhat healthy college student with a job, food in the fridge, gas in the tank, a roof over my head, and many memories ahead of me.

For some reason I have this odd fascination with Maine. I really want to live there and often find my thoughts wandering to the shores and possible cottage by the water. I want a little two bed two bath cottage by the shore. I want to live there with my future husband who will catch lobster for me and our two kids.