Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Why you running- Lissie
Somedays I wish I had taken a different path in life so I never had to meet you and miss you so much everyday.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
An American Trilogy- Elvis Presley
You think you know everything there is about me? Well, did you know that I am happiest when I can lie on my bed, daydream, listening to the music flooding the air?
It's funny, people think I am so loud and obnoxious all the time when there is another side I don't let them see.
It' s more of a moonlight song.
It's funny, people think I am so loud and obnoxious all the time when there is another side I don't let them see.
It' s more of a moonlight song.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Move On-Jet
I tried re-arranging the stars only to be left with cuts on my hands and an empty feeling in my stomach as I look up into the nothingness that is consuming me.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Run-Snow Patrol
I don't really have time to fully write a blog, but here are a couple things I have been thinking about. It's random....
This October my lease expires and as a house, my roomates and I had to sit down and talk. At first L was the only one to walk away pissed off, now I am becoming frustrated feeling like the only rational adult in the house. I couldn't believe that what I thought was going to be a calm house meeting turned into a big fight with me stuck in the middle trying to calm down and rationalize both crying sides.
Speaking of the house, H is beginning to concern me with her excessive smoking and drinking. I guess I am just worried that she spends more time doing things that are destructive to herself than things that are beneficial. Several times I have gotten phonecalls from her crying and freaking out about how shady her friends have been, I really want to be straight up and say that's what you get for surrounding yourself with drunken potheads. I guess I am just worried about her because I really don't want to see anything bad happen but it's hard to stop when you come home from work at 2 in the am and see your drunk-off-her-ass-stoned roomie lying on the floor.
Continuing with house issues, L is really starting to frustrate me with her stubborness. She complains about different things but when I come up with solutions she immediatly shugs them off saying there is no way they will work. I just want to scream at her "HOW DO YOU EXPECT IT TO WORK IF YOU DON'T TRY!!!", instead I bite my toungue. Although men can be messy as hell, I think at this point I would rather live with a house full of guys who aren't going to start fights over stupid shit.
Although things have been tough, I am finding the positives. I figure that a new optimistic outlook is going to be the key to happiness at this point. Suprisingly, it has worked out. I have woken up happy for weeks and it is the greatest feeling. I am so over crying over spilled milk.
The semester is about to start and I am getting really excited! I can't wait to start teaching again and see a roomfull of potential superstars smiling up at me.
So this Monday was a first, I had to do something frightning that I thought I wouldn't have to deal with for years. Luckily things went my way and I don't have to suffer from that drunken mistake.
Recently my lovely job decided to get rid of me but now I am starting up with something small on the side and I am really excited.
Oh! I am so proud of myself for reading more. This sounds silly but its a big accomplishment.
Being a random person, I decided I wanted to go to the East coast in the near future and when I texted J about it she agreed to come along. I love my that I have wonderful friends who are willing to come along on my adventures.
This summer has been a real eye-opener as to who is truely by my side and I have been happy with the results. Sadly there was a two week period where I was in a depression slump where all I did was sleep and go to work. Not much else seemed important. Even though I was a miserable person to be around, the people I needed most pushed down those walls and pulled me out of the slump.
I am greatfull for the friends and family I have that make life worth living and help make every page in my book more interesting. They have helped me grow as a beautiful, confident, independant woman. HUZZAH.
This October my lease expires and as a house, my roomates and I had to sit down and talk. At first L was the only one to walk away pissed off, now I am becoming frustrated feeling like the only rational adult in the house. I couldn't believe that what I thought was going to be a calm house meeting turned into a big fight with me stuck in the middle trying to calm down and rationalize both crying sides.
Speaking of the house, H is beginning to concern me with her excessive smoking and drinking. I guess I am just worried that she spends more time doing things that are destructive to herself than things that are beneficial. Several times I have gotten phonecalls from her crying and freaking out about how shady her friends have been, I really want to be straight up and say that's what you get for surrounding yourself with drunken potheads. I guess I am just worried about her because I really don't want to see anything bad happen but it's hard to stop when you come home from work at 2 in the am and see your drunk-off-her-ass-stoned roomie lying on the floor.
Continuing with house issues, L is really starting to frustrate me with her stubborness. She complains about different things but when I come up with solutions she immediatly shugs them off saying there is no way they will work. I just want to scream at her "HOW DO YOU EXPECT IT TO WORK IF YOU DON'T TRY!!!", instead I bite my toungue. Although men can be messy as hell, I think at this point I would rather live with a house full of guys who aren't going to start fights over stupid shit.
Although things have been tough, I am finding the positives. I figure that a new optimistic outlook is going to be the key to happiness at this point. Suprisingly, it has worked out. I have woken up happy for weeks and it is the greatest feeling. I am so over crying over spilled milk.
The semester is about to start and I am getting really excited! I can't wait to start teaching again and see a roomfull of potential superstars smiling up at me.
So this Monday was a first, I had to do something frightning that I thought I wouldn't have to deal with for years. Luckily things went my way and I don't have to suffer from that drunken mistake.
Recently my lovely job decided to get rid of me but now I am starting up with something small on the side and I am really excited.
Oh! I am so proud of myself for reading more. This sounds silly but its a big accomplishment.
Being a random person, I decided I wanted to go to the East coast in the near future and when I texted J about it she agreed to come along. I love my that I have wonderful friends who are willing to come along on my adventures.
This summer has been a real eye-opener as to who is truely by my side and I have been happy with the results. Sadly there was a two week period where I was in a depression slump where all I did was sleep and go to work. Not much else seemed important. Even though I was a miserable person to be around, the people I needed most pushed down those walls and pulled me out of the slump.
I am greatfull for the friends and family I have that make life worth living and help make every page in my book more interesting. They have helped me grow as a beautiful, confident, independant woman. HUZZAH.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Bittersweet Symphony- The Verve
This summer has proven to be one of the hardest because it is the first I am truely on my own. After living with my parents for so many years, I finally decided that it was time to move on and move out. Sure, I had lived in the dorms for three years, but, I had moved home every three months. After a rocky school year, I made the decision to permanently stay in Milwaukee. After being here for so long I have finally realized this is my home and I need to make it official.
So, this past May I rented a townhouse (with two roomates) and finally realized what it was like to live without the ties of a higher support system. No longer can I depend on someone else to buy my food, do my laundry and pay my bills. Instead, I am learning the joys of living paycheck to paycheck in order to make rent and pay off my credit card. Suprisingly, I am enjoying the new responsibility and independance. Although it is frustrating being hungry and tired ,and not being able to force someone else make me a meal, I know it's worth it. Not only have I become financially independant, but emotionally as well. Instead of running to other people when something goes wrong, I have forced myself to deal with it.
These past couple weeks have been extremely hard for me. It seems like bad news is coming around every corner. Beacause of this, I have found myself moping around the house, crying my eyes out every chance I get. The worst part is that I am making a big deal out of events that I cannot change. For awhile I have been trying to push off these problems on my friends only to overwhelm and frustrate them more. So. I have made the decision to take a break from the world and have a stay-cation, cutting off all ties. At this point I need to work on finding an inner peace and balance to my life and then slowly work everything back in. It is frustrating thinking that I feel like I always have to start over but what else is there?
So, this past May I rented a townhouse (with two roomates) and finally realized what it was like to live without the ties of a higher support system. No longer can I depend on someone else to buy my food, do my laundry and pay my bills. Instead, I am learning the joys of living paycheck to paycheck in order to make rent and pay off my credit card. Suprisingly, I am enjoying the new responsibility and independance. Although it is frustrating being hungry and tired ,and not being able to force someone else make me a meal, I know it's worth it. Not only have I become financially independant, but emotionally as well. Instead of running to other people when something goes wrong, I have forced myself to deal with it.
These past couple weeks have been extremely hard for me. It seems like bad news is coming around every corner. Beacause of this, I have found myself moping around the house, crying my eyes out every chance I get. The worst part is that I am making a big deal out of events that I cannot change. For awhile I have been trying to push off these problems on my friends only to overwhelm and frustrate them more. So. I have made the decision to take a break from the world and have a stay-cation, cutting off all ties. At this point I need to work on finding an inner peace and balance to my life and then slowly work everything back in. It is frustrating thinking that I feel like I always have to start over but what else is there?
Friday, June 12, 2009
Tired-Ryan Houston
Sometimes I wish I had a comepletly neutral "party" to talk to. I have so much to say but no ear for it to travel to. Sure, I could divulge every thought running through my head, but then my concience reminds me of the offenities I will cause.
One thing I can say is that the current emotion I feel is pain from a vast hole in my heart where the love of a good friend once was. When anyone brings this up I shake it off, saying how immature she is and how I am over the whole thing. However, I feel broken. I got so close to one person only to be left behind without a goodbye. Whenever I think about the past events I start sobbing at the friendship/sisterhood I formed and lost. It is an unexplainable pain when someone you divulged every secret with and spent countless days with decides to end a friendship by leaving your belongings on your front doorstep. It has been almost a year and I still refuse to really open up because I am afraid to be hurt again.
One thing I can say is that the current emotion I feel is pain from a vast hole in my heart where the love of a good friend once was. When anyone brings this up I shake it off, saying how immature she is and how I am over the whole thing. However, I feel broken. I got so close to one person only to be left behind without a goodbye. Whenever I think about the past events I start sobbing at the friendship/sisterhood I formed and lost. It is an unexplainable pain when someone you divulged every secret with and spent countless days with decides to end a friendship by leaving your belongings on your front doorstep. It has been almost a year and I still refuse to really open up because I am afraid to be hurt again.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Lightspeed- Matt and Kim
I really wish you cared about me enough to take time out of your day to say "hello"
Hometown Glory- Adele
Although I try and hide it with a sarcastic front, the future scares me. The past couple weeks have forced me to start thinking about what I am really looking for and how I can work towards getting it.
I have already established that I want to teach but have found the details to be a bit more fuzzy. I know that I love children and ideally would like to be in a second grade classroom but have recently been flirting with the idea of teaching in a place other than the tri-state region. Sure I am falling more in love with Milwaukee as it gets warmer ouotside but why should I not even give other places a chance. Unlike paired up friends, I have the benefit of being mobile. If I could afford it, I could even move over seas.
I am so tempted to just pack up and move east letting life happen, but reality stops me. So I may not be "tied" to a person but there are reasons to stay here.
At this point it would be a horribly stupid idea to quit school so I have to tough it out for two more years. If I dropped out to travel I would be in a world of financial hurt. All of my loans would come back and I would no longer have insurance...and...and..and..ect.
Also I would feel guilty moving farther away from my family. They already are 2000 miles away so if i was even farther I doubt I would ever see anyone. These days Skype has really helped bring my family together but it isnt the same as getting real hugs and kisses vs. live pictures lol. It is so pathetic but I already am starting to miss my dad's big bear hugs.
Not only would I miss my blood family, but my adopted family. At this point I have accepted my close friends as extended family and have gotten all to comfortable being able to go to them when I need to escape.
Maybe I just need to get everyone to move to one place instead of being all over the place.
Maybe one day I will get to live some where else but for now I am planting my roots in Milwaukee. I already have three years of school in and two more left so I may as well smile my way through the bullshit of Alverno instead of trying to run away like I always do.
As I continue to think about it, I believe the reason I get so depressed at the end of the semester is because I always have to start over and pick up and leave. Maybe it will be best to be tied down to a one year lease and possibly a sweet new job that actually will prepare me for what is to come.
I have already established that I want to teach but have found the details to be a bit more fuzzy. I know that I love children and ideally would like to be in a second grade classroom but have recently been flirting with the idea of teaching in a place other than the tri-state region. Sure I am falling more in love with Milwaukee as it gets warmer ouotside but why should I not even give other places a chance. Unlike paired up friends, I have the benefit of being mobile. If I could afford it, I could even move over seas.
I am so tempted to just pack up and move east letting life happen, but reality stops me. So I may not be "tied" to a person but there are reasons to stay here.
At this point it would be a horribly stupid idea to quit school so I have to tough it out for two more years. If I dropped out to travel I would be in a world of financial hurt. All of my loans would come back and I would no longer have insurance...and...and..and..ect.
Also I would feel guilty moving farther away from my family. They already are 2000 miles away so if i was even farther I doubt I would ever see anyone. These days Skype has really helped bring my family together but it isnt the same as getting real hugs and kisses vs. live pictures lol. It is so pathetic but I already am starting to miss my dad's big bear hugs.
Not only would I miss my blood family, but my adopted family. At this point I have accepted my close friends as extended family and have gotten all to comfortable being able to go to them when I need to escape.
Maybe I just need to get everyone to move to one place instead of being all over the place.
Maybe one day I will get to live some where else but for now I am planting my roots in Milwaukee. I already have three years of school in and two more left so I may as well smile my way through the bullshit of Alverno instead of trying to run away like I always do.
As I continue to think about it, I believe the reason I get so depressed at the end of the semester is because I always have to start over and pick up and leave. Maybe it will be best to be tied down to a one year lease and possibly a sweet new job that actually will prepare me for what is to come.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Better Part of Me-House of Fools
Why can't I just accept a compliment like a normal person?
At work I get praise for the work that I do and for some reason it bothers me. Instead of saying "thanks" when being complimented I spin it into something negative.
Today I was so uncomfortable when I had to have my employee evaluation and T had all these nice things to say about my progress and growth within the team.
As I started to think about it I guess for so long I was the girl everyone overlooked and/or insulted. Growing up I was an akward tomboy. People didn't understand me so they made fun of me. It also didnt help that I have always been a fat kid. I didn't grow up getting compliments. I usually was yelled at for doing something wrong. I talked too loud(and too much). I wouldn't listen to "instructions". I ate too much. I would never pay attention.
Eventually as I grew up I established mysef within my surroundings and found people who accepted my "quirks". Instead of yelling at me for these things they started to overlook them and start noticing what I could do right. Thats when I started being complimented. Sadly this didn't happen until after I had been in college. Weird.
(Its funny how I came to this all while processing underwear at work.)
Eventually I will figure out how to accept when people call me beautiful or creative. For now if you call me pretty I will insist that you are looking behind me.
At work I get praise for the work that I do and for some reason it bothers me. Instead of saying "thanks" when being complimented I spin it into something negative.
Today I was so uncomfortable when I had to have my employee evaluation and T had all these nice things to say about my progress and growth within the team.
As I started to think about it I guess for so long I was the girl everyone overlooked and/or insulted. Growing up I was an akward tomboy. People didn't understand me so they made fun of me. It also didnt help that I have always been a fat kid. I didn't grow up getting compliments. I usually was yelled at for doing something wrong. I talked too loud(and too much). I wouldn't listen to "instructions". I ate too much. I would never pay attention.
Eventually as I grew up I established mysef within my surroundings and found people who accepted my "quirks". Instead of yelling at me for these things they started to overlook them and start noticing what I could do right. Thats when I started being complimented. Sadly this didn't happen until after I had been in college. Weird.
(Its funny how I came to this all while processing underwear at work.)
Eventually I will figure out how to accept when people call me beautiful or creative. For now if you call me pretty I will insist that you are looking behind me.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Sentimental Heart- She and Him
I am a living contradiction.
I wonder if I will ever reach the point of a phoenix.
I hear the disapproval of my peers.
I see the chains weighing me down.
I want to find a peaceful equilibrium.
I am a living contradiction.
I pretend I am confident and content.
I feel like a sham.
I touch my material possessions letting them weigh my hands down.
I worry they will become me.
I cry feeling plagued with doubt.
I am a living contradiction.
I understand Rome wasn’t built in a day.
I say the best is yet to come.
I dream of my potential future; A happy family in a stable home.
I try to perform my best.
I hope I can find the strength to jump my hurdles.
I am a living contradiction.
I will be better.
I wonder if I will ever reach the point of a phoenix.
I hear the disapproval of my peers.
I see the chains weighing me down.
I want to find a peaceful equilibrium.
I am a living contradiction.
I pretend I am confident and content.
I feel like a sham.
I touch my material possessions letting them weigh my hands down.
I worry they will become me.
I cry feeling plagued with doubt.
I am a living contradiction.
I understand Rome wasn’t built in a day.
I say the best is yet to come.
I dream of my potential future; A happy family in a stable home.
I try to perform my best.
I hope I can find the strength to jump my hurdles.
I am a living contradiction.
I will be better.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Have a Little Faith in Me- Joe Crocker
I have not really talked about this to anyone but I reeally need to say it....
I am SOOOO happy to have the title of "godmother"! I try to be all cool about it when talking to S, but it's HUGE for me. Knowing that she trusts me to protect and care for her children, if something were to ever happen, is comforting. I love those girls more than i can say.
It really tears me that I can't be there for their lives.
I want to see I's first steps.
I want to see H's first day of school.
I want to be able to help them with their homework.
I want to help them talk their daddy into getting them what they want. ;)
Oh and of course I want to make sure they are properly clothed. Its all about the accesories baby!
Already I have made a difference on H. She now imitates how I put on make up, and the faces I make.
Even though I live 2,000 miles away I will try my best to be there. I don't want them to grow up without having an aunt to turn to for help when they can't go to their parents. Mainly because I never had that but always wanted it.
I am SOOOO happy to have the title of "godmother"! I try to be all cool about it when talking to S, but it's HUGE for me. Knowing that she trusts me to protect and care for her children, if something were to ever happen, is comforting. I love those girls more than i can say.
It really tears me that I can't be there for their lives.
I want to see I's first steps.
I want to see H's first day of school.
I want to be able to help them with their homework.
I want to help them talk their daddy into getting them what they want. ;)
Oh and of course I want to make sure they are properly clothed. Its all about the accesories baby!
Already I have made a difference on H. She now imitates how I put on make up, and the faces I make.
Even though I live 2,000 miles away I will try my best to be there. I don't want them to grow up without having an aunt to turn to for help when they can't go to their parents. Mainly because I never had that but always wanted it.
L.O.V.E- Ashlee Simpson
I really am not a fan of people missusing the word LOVE. OK so I suppose yoou could define it as a pet peeve.
Here's my beef:
So there is this friend that I have a "love"/hate relationship with. At first we couldn't stand one another but were forced into acceptance because we have almost every class together. We don't really know one another but every time I leave she say's "love ya bitch", or some other strain. It's weird but it bothers me. First there's the whole love thing then pairing it with bitch? Hmm.
Oh OH OH! I really dislike it when people put the pressure on you to say it back! WTF. I am sorry if you think you love me, I don't feel the same way. Your great and all but I can't use that word on you.
Deal.
In this day and age people don't understand the power of the words.
Love.
It's kind of a big deal.
If I use it I mean it. Doesn't that mean so much more than saying it to random strangers?
So I love my family, close friends, and of course my dog. However I don't love them in the same way that I love gaucomole. I would not mourn the death of gaucomole. (or would I? lol) So in conclusion I am not a love whore! I can couont the people I love on two hands. Can love whores do that? Nope. Ok Case settled. lolz
Here's my beef:
So there is this friend that I have a "love"/hate relationship with. At first we couldn't stand one another but were forced into acceptance because we have almost every class together. We don't really know one another but every time I leave she say's "love ya bitch", or some other strain. It's weird but it bothers me. First there's the whole love thing then pairing it with bitch? Hmm.
Oh OH OH! I really dislike it when people put the pressure on you to say it back! WTF. I am sorry if you think you love me, I don't feel the same way. Your great and all but I can't use that word on you.
Deal.
In this day and age people don't understand the power of the words.
Love.
It's kind of a big deal.
If I use it I mean it. Doesn't that mean so much more than saying it to random strangers?
So I love my family, close friends, and of course my dog. However I don't love them in the same way that I love gaucomole. I would not mourn the death of gaucomole. (or would I? lol) So in conclusion I am not a love whore! I can couont the people I love on two hands. Can love whores do that? Nope. Ok Case settled. lolz
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Breathe-Michelle Branch
Sitting on feet
back against the cold white wall
auburn hair loosely pulled back
cheeks flushed
emotion escaping from her face
continuously staring down the mirror across the room
suddenly the reflection of the blue eyes shatter
whats wrong with our dear heroine?
a soft melody sung by an uncoherent greecian artist plays in the background
back against the cold white wall
auburn hair loosely pulled back
cheeks flushed
emotion escaping from her face
continuously staring down the mirror across the room
suddenly the reflection of the blue eyes shatter
whats wrong with our dear heroine?
a soft melody sung by an uncoherent greecian artist plays in the background
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Sunrise-Norah Jones
The sun has not even risen but somehow I manage to be wide awake (I blame my bladder for waking me up at this before-the-break-of-dawn hour). Even though I was planning on getting an additional 4 hours of sleep before meeting L, I am ok with being awake.
I find it peaceful being awake so early, not much is going on in the city. The the hustle and bustle is masked by the blanket of night which uncovers a reflective side within myself. After laying in bed for a while, staring out the window at the dew on the cars below, I decided to make some coffee and ease into the day. I sat for a while, sipping at the dark brew, and started to reflect on my epiphany within the last couple weeks. Now as I sit here at my desk wiping the sleep out of my eyes, I can't help but be proud of the progress I am making on, well, myself.
In previous months I have been dealing with over exaggerated emotions. I would be up down and all around, getting depressed over every spilled cup of milk. Now these exaggerated emotions are subdued and somewhat normal. For example, instead of waking up and faking sick because I am too depressed to go to class, I wake up happy. This is a big deal for me. I have been doing so good that somedays I have a belly full of butterflies and have no idea why they are there.
I no longer have that voice in my head questioning why I am here. I know why I am here; I have a purpose. Although it isn't clear where I am meant to go, it's ok. Currently, I am living life one day at a time and doing what I want; instead of living according to someone else.
I believe the real reason I have been able to get to this point is because of my support system and a new found confidence. My friends are very important but I know that they can't be my everything. As harsh as is sounds, people always leave. This past year frienships have been altered. I grew closer to some people while distancing myself from others. Although it hurts to lose a friend I have learned not to depend on them for everything. They have their life adnI have mine.
I have found that at this stage of my life I am allowed to be selfish. I am not (nor ever will be) perfect. Right now I need to be working on ME, and not trying to mend what doesn't want to be fixed. I have my flaws. Instead of ripping on mysef for them. I have chosen to accept them. They set me apart from others but don't define me.
It is like a breath of fresh air.
I may seem narcissistic but I am just proud I have gotten to a point where I accept myself. I used to stand in front of the mirror and mentally pick at every flaw. Eventualy I got to the point where I hated myself so much that I wanted to end my life. I felt broken and confused.
Now when I look at myself I see a beautiful young woman. I admire my natural beauty. I appreciate who I am. No longer do I need to have someone else tell me I am beautiful (although it does give me butterflies when someone does).
Too often I am hurt. I feel broken. However, I will work to find the glue to put myself back together.
I find it peaceful being awake so early, not much is going on in the city. The the hustle and bustle is masked by the blanket of night which uncovers a reflective side within myself. After laying in bed for a while, staring out the window at the dew on the cars below, I decided to make some coffee and ease into the day. I sat for a while, sipping at the dark brew, and started to reflect on my epiphany within the last couple weeks. Now as I sit here at my desk wiping the sleep out of my eyes, I can't help but be proud of the progress I am making on, well, myself.
In previous months I have been dealing with over exaggerated emotions. I would be up down and all around, getting depressed over every spilled cup of milk. Now these exaggerated emotions are subdued and somewhat normal. For example, instead of waking up and faking sick because I am too depressed to go to class, I wake up happy. This is a big deal for me. I have been doing so good that somedays I have a belly full of butterflies and have no idea why they are there.
I no longer have that voice in my head questioning why I am here. I know why I am here; I have a purpose. Although it isn't clear where I am meant to go, it's ok. Currently, I am living life one day at a time and doing what I want; instead of living according to someone else.
I believe the real reason I have been able to get to this point is because of my support system and a new found confidence. My friends are very important but I know that they can't be my everything. As harsh as is sounds, people always leave. This past year frienships have been altered. I grew closer to some people while distancing myself from others. Although it hurts to lose a friend I have learned not to depend on them for everything. They have their life adnI have mine.
I have found that at this stage of my life I am allowed to be selfish. I am not (nor ever will be) perfect. Right now I need to be working on ME, and not trying to mend what doesn't want to be fixed. I have my flaws. Instead of ripping on mysef for them. I have chosen to accept them. They set me apart from others but don't define me.
It is like a breath of fresh air.
I may seem narcissistic but I am just proud I have gotten to a point where I accept myself. I used to stand in front of the mirror and mentally pick at every flaw. Eventualy I got to the point where I hated myself so much that I wanted to end my life. I felt broken and confused.
Now when I look at myself I see a beautiful young woman. I admire my natural beauty. I appreciate who I am. No longer do I need to have someone else tell me I am beautiful (although it does give me butterflies when someone does).
Too often I am hurt. I feel broken. However, I will work to find the glue to put myself back together.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Ave Maria-Beyonce
The past week I have been traveling and didnt realize how exhausted I was. So, tonight instead of doing a damn thing, I am lying in bed watching endless amounts of Gilmore Girls.
It's so sad that Luke and Lorelei have such a rocky relationship. Why can't people just realize they were meant to be together and deal with it.
Stupid Wallaby.
It's so sad that Luke and Lorelei have such a rocky relationship. Why can't people just realize they were meant to be together and deal with it.
Stupid Wallaby.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Drive-The Cars
I am shocked at how "Flo" has to go in and get check-ups just as often as me! Currently I am sitting in Brewed wating for the call that I can come and pick her up from Waynes. So far it has been two hours and I still have not recieved the call. Instead I sit here in this retro coffee shop slurping away at my pad thai while I work on writing a few pieces. Instead of getting much done I keep thinking about how much this is going to cost and how I have probably put more into this car than I bought it for.
Back in July, I got Flo, a knight in shining armor, or, a '01 Buick Regal;it depends on the eye. Ever since then I have been a regular down at Waynes. First I had to go in and get my tires changed. Then my brakes had to be adjusted along with my steering. Next my oil needed to be changed. Then my "belt" was corroded and needed to be replaced. Next, I broke a windshield wiper, which I got replaced, then it got clogged. After that it was time for another oil change. Then my back windshield was bashed in and had to get it replaced. Oh and last Friday I locked my keys in my car. Yup. Now I am getting my shifter tightened, because it likes to pop out of drive and into neutral, also my tires have to be replaced because they can't hold air and every time I check them they are short 15 lbs.
Really Flo? Reallly?!?
At least after all of this crap I know what to do when something goes wrong.
Back in July, I got Flo, a knight in shining armor, or, a '01 Buick Regal;it depends on the eye. Ever since then I have been a regular down at Waynes. First I had to go in and get my tires changed. Then my brakes had to be adjusted along with my steering. Next my oil needed to be changed. Then my "belt" was corroded and needed to be replaced. Next, I broke a windshield wiper, which I got replaced, then it got clogged. After that it was time for another oil change. Then my back windshield was bashed in and had to get it replaced. Oh and last Friday I locked my keys in my car. Yup. Now I am getting my shifter tightened, because it likes to pop out of drive and into neutral, also my tires have to be replaced because they can't hold air and every time I check them they are short 15 lbs.
Really Flo? Reallly?!?
At least after all of this crap I know what to do when something goes wrong.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Feel That Fire-Dierks Bentley
Last night I was too tired to drive home so I stayed at my "Golden Grams" house. She was so excited and made me pot roast, becasue I love it and she loves me. In the morning, after looking at endless amounts of family photos, I wanted to take a good picture of grams and I. I thought it was important since the last one she has of us is from Junior year of high school...and I was blonde. Nuff said. So when I told her I wanted to take a picture she decided to turn it into a photoshoot. She changed five times...and suprisingly I only changed twice, per her request. Above is outfit number one.
Out fit number two. I actually got her smiling!
Both of us
Her with the hyper, but ever so lovable, Archie
I tried getting a photo of Grams and Archie but he kept coming by me.
Outfit number three. Grams standing by the wall of grandkids. Her house is like a shrine, photos are everywhere.
Me waiting for her next change, while imitating an old photo of me in her glasses.
Outfit change number 4! Number two for me.
She actually made funny faces with me!
Oh the love.
Pirate face.
Kisses
Outfit number five. I love this pic! She looks so good.
Another good one of her in the kitchen.
Looking classy.
Grand Finale. OK thats enough. lol.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Don't Stop Believing-Journey
Tommorow morining I leave for my eight hour journey to "Rapids".
It couldn't have come at a better time because I am so stressed out and need nothing more than a couple nights of cuddle sessions with my dog. It sounds lame but I have not seen her since I was home for 5 hours back at the end of November.
It blows my mind that my whole family has not been together since christmas a year ago! Oh man. Its weird because we are all going our seperate ways. This year I had to work the day before and day after so I had to stay in Milwaukee and my brother's family were all in AZ so they couldnt be there. So we celebrated seperately. Weird.
It couldn't have come at a better time because I am so stressed out and need nothing more than a couple nights of cuddle sessions with my dog. It sounds lame but I have not seen her since I was home for 5 hours back at the end of November.
It blows my mind that my whole family has not been together since christmas a year ago! Oh man. Its weird because we are all going our seperate ways. This year I had to work the day before and day after so I had to stay in Milwaukee and my brother's family were all in AZ so they couldnt be there. So we celebrated seperately. Weird.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Hicktown-Jason Aldean
I am and always be a country girl. Although I have been living in Milwaukee for 3 years I still have my good ol' country instincts. Sure I love being able to go shopping without having to drive 2 hours but I miss the free things about living out of the city.
For example....
After it rains it so fun to jump in the puddles and not have to worry about toxins going in your system. One of my fondest memories is making "mud boots" with my grandma, brother, and cousins. We ran around barefoot and had mud caked up to out knees then had a water fight afterwards.
Last fishing opener my family met up at the "palace"(a run down trailer house). We all met up there and gathered into boats and sat for hours, on the lake of many lost belongings, as the "moms" gathered stuff for lunch. When we got back we sat and talked by the fire while we cooked random grill food. Then, it started hailing so we went inside the trailer and played cards. I remember sitting by the door with my cousins looking at all of the chunks of ice that accumulated. When the storm passed we went outside and all of the grass was covered so the ground looked white instead of the green it was an hour earlier. We went back outside and next thing we know our family is having a hail fight. We all were bruised and muddy from running and falling as well as getting pelted with ice chunks that were an inch in diameter. It was fun and I have never laughed that hard. It was really funny seeing my grandma get in on the action for a while too. lol. Eventually everybody got tired and went their separate ways.
One day while J and I were skipping the last couple periods of high school we decided to go to my house and go fishing. Before I go on let me just explain that I am more of a man than he will ever be; I had to show him how to bait a hook and take a fish off. Anywho, so I gathered up some poles and put it in the back of the truck and decided to do a little mudding before we went back to the lake. It was fun...until I got stuck 300 feet away from the lake. While J freaked out about what we were going to do, I went and got the boards out of the back of the truck and got us unstuck. I am a pro at this now. We left the truck and went fishing in my sweet rowboat. I put all the stuff in and then J got in and I had to push us out and my foot got stuck in the mud. So, one foot was in the boat while the other was stuck in the mud. It hurt, legs are not supposed to bend that way. Eventually I pulled out my foot and got in the boat and continued with fishing, muddy foot and all.
Most parties become official when there is a bonfire. Somehow the burning of brush helps celebrate anything from graduations to the New Year. My dad and his brother even have competitions to see who can have the biggest pile. Haha. I think my uncle won this year because you could see the flames from the end of the driveway.
According to pop culture a person is considered a hick if they ride tractors, have graveyards of cars in their yards, or have massive collections of shit out front. Man its like they are talking about my family!
At my house, we have several broken down tractors, trucks, and cars by our house. I could take a picture and the caption could be "you know your a redneck if". Although our lawn has car graveyards and piles of construction stuff, it is big enough where it looks better than it sounds.
Actually, "the farm" would be much more fitting for the caption. The farm is my great grandparents house, which is now owned by my grandma. When you first go in the driveway, you will be greeted by cows on the right, an old house and a two story tree fort on the right, further to the right is the new house, and straight ahead are the "junk barns" with collections of old tires out front. Don't worry though, there is also random junk spread in the field with the cows. LOL.
Oh but the memories that come from all this junk!
Some of the fondest memories I have are of this place. Here I fed baby calves, chased cows by foot and on a three wheeler, got chased by a bull, made tree forts, and had old tractor races. Also, the barns were where I did a lot of my shopping as a kid. My grandpa would go to auctions, yard sales, and so on. Each time he would bring back truck loads of stuff and put them in the barns. After he would bring a load home my cousins and I would "go shopping". I laugh at this now but it was an adventure when I was little. If my friends knew all of these details I am pretty sure I would get made fun of for being such a hick. Haha.
Before I moved to Milwaukee I was a plaid shirt and ill-fitted jeans kind of girl. I even created "trucker Tuesday" as an excuse to "scrub it" and not shower and wear a plaid shirt. Also, I never did anything to my hair. Shocking considering these day it changes every week. I was a tom-boy in some sorts. Now I always have to have an outfit in order to go on with my day. I can't go without jewelry. I get depressed if I can't go to Target one a week. I wear skirts and dresses. I have more purses than I count and I have to match them to my outfit. I also can't go a day without lip gloss and mascara. Even though I am more of a girly girl than before somehow I remain low maintenance because of my raising. If I can't straighten my hair in the morning, it isn't the end of the world. I still love doing all of my "country" activities and I am going to miss them now that I will be permanently living in Milwaukee.
For example....
After it rains it so fun to jump in the puddles and not have to worry about toxins going in your system. One of my fondest memories is making "mud boots" with my grandma, brother, and cousins. We ran around barefoot and had mud caked up to out knees then had a water fight afterwards.
Last fishing opener my family met up at the "palace"(a run down trailer house). We all met up there and gathered into boats and sat for hours, on the lake of many lost belongings, as the "moms" gathered stuff for lunch. When we got back we sat and talked by the fire while we cooked random grill food. Then, it started hailing so we went inside the trailer and played cards. I remember sitting by the door with my cousins looking at all of the chunks of ice that accumulated. When the storm passed we went outside and all of the grass was covered so the ground looked white instead of the green it was an hour earlier. We went back outside and next thing we know our family is having a hail fight. We all were bruised and muddy from running and falling as well as getting pelted with ice chunks that were an inch in diameter. It was fun and I have never laughed that hard. It was really funny seeing my grandma get in on the action for a while too. lol. Eventually everybody got tired and went their separate ways.
One day while J and I were skipping the last couple periods of high school we decided to go to my house and go fishing. Before I go on let me just explain that I am more of a man than he will ever be; I had to show him how to bait a hook and take a fish off. Anywho, so I gathered up some poles and put it in the back of the truck and decided to do a little mudding before we went back to the lake. It was fun...until I got stuck 300 feet away from the lake. While J freaked out about what we were going to do, I went and got the boards out of the back of the truck and got us unstuck. I am a pro at this now. We left the truck and went fishing in my sweet rowboat. I put all the stuff in and then J got in and I had to push us out and my foot got stuck in the mud. So, one foot was in the boat while the other was stuck in the mud. It hurt, legs are not supposed to bend that way. Eventually I pulled out my foot and got in the boat and continued with fishing, muddy foot and all.
Most parties become official when there is a bonfire. Somehow the burning of brush helps celebrate anything from graduations to the New Year. My dad and his brother even have competitions to see who can have the biggest pile. Haha. I think my uncle won this year because you could see the flames from the end of the driveway.
According to pop culture a person is considered a hick if they ride tractors, have graveyards of cars in their yards, or have massive collections of shit out front. Man its like they are talking about my family!
At my house, we have several broken down tractors, trucks, and cars by our house. I could take a picture and the caption could be "you know your a redneck if". Although our lawn has car graveyards and piles of construction stuff, it is big enough where it looks better than it sounds.
Actually, "the farm" would be much more fitting for the caption. The farm is my great grandparents house, which is now owned by my grandma. When you first go in the driveway, you will be greeted by cows on the right, an old house and a two story tree fort on the right, further to the right is the new house, and straight ahead are the "junk barns" with collections of old tires out front. Don't worry though, there is also random junk spread in the field with the cows. LOL.
Oh but the memories that come from all this junk!
Some of the fondest memories I have are of this place. Here I fed baby calves, chased cows by foot and on a three wheeler, got chased by a bull, made tree forts, and had old tractor races. Also, the barns were where I did a lot of my shopping as a kid. My grandpa would go to auctions, yard sales, and so on. Each time he would bring back truck loads of stuff and put them in the barns. After he would bring a load home my cousins and I would "go shopping". I laugh at this now but it was an adventure when I was little. If my friends knew all of these details I am pretty sure I would get made fun of for being such a hick. Haha.
Before I moved to Milwaukee I was a plaid shirt and ill-fitted jeans kind of girl. I even created "trucker Tuesday" as an excuse to "scrub it" and not shower and wear a plaid shirt. Also, I never did anything to my hair. Shocking considering these day it changes every week. I was a tom-boy in some sorts. Now I always have to have an outfit in order to go on with my day. I can't go without jewelry. I get depressed if I can't go to Target one a week. I wear skirts and dresses. I have more purses than I count and I have to match them to my outfit. I also can't go a day without lip gloss and mascara. Even though I am more of a girly girl than before somehow I remain low maintenance because of my raising. If I can't straighten my hair in the morning, it isn't the end of the world. I still love doing all of my "country" activities and I am going to miss them now that I will be permanently living in Milwaukee.
Friday, February 20, 2009
You, Me and The Bourgeoisie-The Submarines
I took airborne today and now I am a happy little wallaby who got to go to the museum.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Fourth Drink Instinct-Cute is What we Aim For
Today. Oh boy.
I am so exhausted mentally, physically, and emotionally. I am sick, so it is the catalyst that is making things seem so much worse.
Here is what is on my mind:
My MRI-came back normal but I found out I have been under intense stress (I scored 32 out of 45 pts on the stress test...not good for this kind of test lol)
Health-I am constantly sick for no reason at all. Plus I don't have insurance to pay for my 200 dollar perscription.
Family- N and S are fighting and S has divorce papers. This freaks me out. I don't want to loose S as a friend and I am praying they can work things out. My 3y/o niece H is even noticing the tension because she reports about how mommy and daady are fighting so she has to stay in her room. It breaks my heart.
School-I have a full credit load that I thought I could handle, I am thinking about changing my opinion on this.
Finances-I am pretty sure I have a probem with my front tire (...again) and I can't afford it because my tuition payment is due tommorow. Also all my loans are getting declined, so I am thinking I will have to pay completely out of pocket. My hours at LB are cut so I am barely making by so my credit cards are getting a little out of control.
Friends-7 months later and I still am completely hurt by E's actions. I feel so broken but am afraid to show it.
Writing-It sucks. I have not written anything I have been proud of in a long time. Recently I turned in some very heavy memoirs for a class and I have been worried about getting the feedback.
Fitness-Almost everyday I have been working out and I still have not lost weight. I am gaining weight instead. Although, my clothes are fitting differently so shit must be moving around.
Other than that life has been good. I have two besties that I am greatful for. L and K pretty much help me overcome these issues and gain confidence in myself.
Tonight K texted me and told me to come over and hang out. I figured I really need to get out of the dorms for a while so it would be a good plan. Plus I have not seen K in a while and we needed to catch up. So, I brought all the stuff for cupcakes and made them while we talked. Oh the power of chocolate and good company. It was fun to be the cupcake fairy.
I am so exhausted mentally, physically, and emotionally. I am sick, so it is the catalyst that is making things seem so much worse.
Here is what is on my mind:
My MRI-came back normal but I found out I have been under intense stress (I scored 32 out of 45 pts on the stress test...not good for this kind of test lol)
Health-I am constantly sick for no reason at all. Plus I don't have insurance to pay for my 200 dollar perscription.
Family- N and S are fighting and S has divorce papers. This freaks me out. I don't want to loose S as a friend and I am praying they can work things out. My 3y/o niece H is even noticing the tension because she reports about how mommy and daady are fighting so she has to stay in her room. It breaks my heart.
School-I have a full credit load that I thought I could handle, I am thinking about changing my opinion on this.
Finances-I am pretty sure I have a probem with my front tire (...again) and I can't afford it because my tuition payment is due tommorow. Also all my loans are getting declined, so I am thinking I will have to pay completely out of pocket. My hours at LB are cut so I am barely making by so my credit cards are getting a little out of control.
Friends-7 months later and I still am completely hurt by E's actions. I feel so broken but am afraid to show it.
Writing-It sucks. I have not written anything I have been proud of in a long time. Recently I turned in some very heavy memoirs for a class and I have been worried about getting the feedback.
Fitness-Almost everyday I have been working out and I still have not lost weight. I am gaining weight instead. Although, my clothes are fitting differently so shit must be moving around.
Other than that life has been good. I have two besties that I am greatful for. L and K pretty much help me overcome these issues and gain confidence in myself.
Tonight K texted me and told me to come over and hang out. I figured I really need to get out of the dorms for a while so it would be a good plan. Plus I have not seen K in a while and we needed to catch up. So, I brought all the stuff for cupcakes and made them while we talked. Oh the power of chocolate and good company. It was fun to be the cupcake fairy.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Mamma Mia
I love my mom. She is so funny without even trying.
Her new thing is starting off our conversations with whatever my facebook status has been.
ex) "Hi honey so why do you feel you are a member of the 'mega bots'" or "why are boys stupid, what happened with...."
Was it really a good idea to make her a facebook? Lol.
Not only does she bring up my status, but also other random questions about how to do things. She was so excited when she figured out how to write on my wall but then had to call me to make sure I got her message. Then I had to walk her through how to write on other people's walls.
It is so funny how she is so knowledgable about other things, but facebook is like a rubiks cube.
Now I have to check both my facebook and hers.
Oh mom. You make me laugh.
Her new thing is starting off our conversations with whatever my facebook status has been.
ex) "Hi honey so why do you feel you are a member of the 'mega bots'" or "why are boys stupid, what happened with...."
Was it really a good idea to make her a facebook? Lol.
Not only does she bring up my status, but also other random questions about how to do things. She was so excited when she figured out how to write on my wall but then had to call me to make sure I got her message. Then I had to walk her through how to write on other people's walls.
It is so funny how she is so knowledgable about other things, but facebook is like a rubiks cube.
Now I have to check both my facebook and hers.
Oh mom. You make me laugh.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Du DU dUdE.
Seriously.
I hate being confused. I don't like not knowing what people are thinking. If you feel something, tell me. Don't lead me on. Just say "I am not that into you" and I will be like "...ok cool ttyl".
It is that simple.
Obviously things are all sorts of different because I have no idea what is going on with you. We used to talk all the time. OK so you are busy but um...so am I. I am good at that busy thing everybody is talking about. Its not like I am asking you to move stone henge.
I say random things to get something out of you, maybe even a little german, but in 20 days you respond with another question. Really? Is that clarification? Bah!
I am not like angry or anything. Just kind of like "the rock" with the one eyebrow thing. Ya dig.
There crazy blog about you. Happy? And it wasnt bad. :)
I hate being confused. I don't like not knowing what people are thinking. If you feel something, tell me. Don't lead me on. Just say "I am not that into you" and I will be like "...ok cool ttyl".
It is that simple.
Obviously things are all sorts of different because I have no idea what is going on with you. We used to talk all the time. OK so you are busy but um...so am I. I am good at that busy thing everybody is talking about. Its not like I am asking you to move stone henge.
I say random things to get something out of you, maybe even a little german, but in 20 days you respond with another question. Really? Is that clarification? Bah!
I am not like angry or anything. Just kind of like "the rock" with the one eyebrow thing. Ya dig.
There crazy blog about you. Happy? And it wasnt bad. :)
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Independance
I am a fairly independant person. I always have been. People generally come to me for help because usually I either have a solution or can figure something out. I am not being cocky, I just have street smarts. No big.
So the past couple months I have had some car issues. While most people would consult another person to find a solution, I just kind of handled it on my own. So now I know more about my car than I ever thought I would.
So tonight I had to help a friend out, which was no big deal. I am always happy to help. It just made me think about how I wish someone would help me out every once in a while. I secretly like being able to pout in order to get things done, but, I feel bad because I know I am fully capable of completing the task. So I am just wishing someone would take over and be like "you are going to hurt yourself..calm down and step aside..". I would be stubborn then eventually listen and be thankful.
Does this make sense?
So the past couple months I have had some car issues. While most people would consult another person to find a solution, I just kind of handled it on my own. So now I know more about my car than I ever thought I would.
So tonight I had to help a friend out, which was no big deal. I am always happy to help. It just made me think about how I wish someone would help me out every once in a while. I secretly like being able to pout in order to get things done, but, I feel bad because I know I am fully capable of completing the task. So I am just wishing someone would take over and be like "you are going to hurt yourself..calm down and step aside..". I would be stubborn then eventually listen and be thankful.
Does this make sense?
Saturday, February 14, 2009
My valentines day
On valentine's day while most people were being all lovey dovey and gross, I was busy being a bag lady.
I woke up at about 5 and cleaned my room and prepared all of my bags. First bag was
lots-o-garbage. I am still shocked by the garbage I produce in a couple days. My carbon footprint scares the hell out of me.
Anywho, my second bag was my ginormous purple nanny bag full of suprises to keep the kids entertained. It works really well. I usually have some random snack, that they never get to eat, to use as a bribe. I also had a bunch of movies and books...yada yada yada.
Although I was ornry from being up so early I still managed. I made breakfast, we played house, went on a walk, made a snowman, and ended with legos. It was a good day, although, Skyler started being a little bag-o naughty.
At the end of nannying, I always talk with Linda about our days. It was interesting because I was coaching her, a 30+ yr old woman with her own buisness and 3 kids, about how to properly dicipline her kids. I even found myself explaining the reasoning behind their behavior. I was kind of shocked because me, the 20 yr old with no kids of my own, was passing on parenting advice. It helped reassure me that, 5 years down the line when I decide to have kids of my own, I will be a good parent because of all my life experiance.
Ok to the next bag. It was 4 pm and I was off to the gym. I got lost in my workout and didn't even realize it was 5:50, I had to work at six. So, I quick showered and ran to work.
Bag four: Sales associate. I quick changed into work clothes and punched in. Oh my, it was a busy, crazy night. I don't think I even had time to check the clock to see what time it was. Oh and towards the end I got a wonderful phone call. This person was like
"hi I will be coming into your store later tonight"
"ok, was there something I could help you find?"
"what are you wearing?"
"uh....excuse me"
"I am so hard right now. I am going to masturbate in your clothing later"
I paniked and hung up. Really sir? Really?!?!?!? Do you have nothing better to do than prank call my store. Really?!?!
Then he called back half an hour later.
"hey baby I was hoping it was you..."
"no no sir. If you really want to masturbate into clothing you can go down to the goodwill, they are used to sick perv like you..."
I was so pissed. Really? Really?!?
I was so angry at the customers that night, being all in loooove. *PUKE* Whatever.
Ok so I am a tiny bit bitter about the day, but its funny.
Now it is bedtime. I have been active from 5 to...erm...midnight. Sick.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Really Valentine's day really?
So basically the holiday is centered around people in "love".
Lame.
I want to be reminded on a more random day of how great I am....so much better than jumpin off everbody else's love cliff.
Oh and sure I still secretly get excited when I am asked to be someones valentine...but whatever. Ugh. I am just bitter because its like noahs ark up in here...I am just the retarded wallaby that nobody wants to be with. I dont see why not wallabys are cute.
So basically the holiday is centered around people in "love".
Lame.
I want to be reminded on a more random day of how great I am....so much better than jumpin off everbody else's love cliff.
Oh and sure I still secretly get excited when I am asked to be someones valentine...but whatever. Ugh. I am just bitter because its like noahs ark up in here...I am just the retarded wallaby that nobody wants to be with. I dont see why not wallabys are cute.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
J-n-J
J and J got engaged and all I can think is...dude she was a good friend in h.s and he was a crush. Weirded out.
LOL
Of course when she told me she had news I was like "you better not be pregnant or engaged". I am a bad friend. lol
LOL
Of course when she told me she had news I was like "you better not be pregnant or engaged". I am a bad friend. lol
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Awkward
Last school year I used to meet and talk with two of the faculty here at "el burno". I would randomly hop in (yes really) and show off some sweet new dance move or something equally awesome. Then I moved into a different dorm and rarely found myself socializing in the other hall. Occasionally I would pass one or the other in the hall and we woud chat but they noticed I was different. Apparently I was less energetic and seemed more distant from the world.
With concern, P decided to "book" time so we could catch up and talk about life after spring 2008. Really P? You know how much shit has gone down since then?
So we talked. We talked about school and how bad I have doing then she decided it would be fun to breakdown why. Oh boy. She asked me, "has anything significant happened over the summer?" Other than losing my two best friends and social life (with my increased amount of working)? Nope nothing big.
I had thought I was over E and I not talking but I was way off. Instead, I akwardly sobbed for 15 minutes before I could pull myself together to say "I don't understand how a persosn I called my best friend, could cut me out of her life with no explanation."
Monday, February 9, 2009
I am scared...stop telling me I shouldn't be..it's not helping
So I always thought I was over reacting about my bouts of illness. Until it started happening everyday.
Everyday I have a migraine. Now it is like they have just become a part of me. I smile through the pain, dizziness, and nausea but its getting difficult now that I have been vomiting on a daily basis and have no strength afterwards.
I have been going to the doctor with these symptoms for a couple years now and have had almost every test under the sun. Within the last 6 months I started noticing my vision has been decreasing, mostly in my left eye where strangely enough my migraines are centralized. When I told this to my doctor she freaked out. She recommended that I have an MRI. That scared the shit out of me. Not only because I am claustrophobic but also because it seemed like a dramatic jump. So instead of going through with it I decided to be a Guinea pig and try different medications; all of which have not worked. Now out of desperation to feel better, I decided to get an MRI. This morning the scheduling went through and I have one booked for Friday after my class. I am scared shitless.
Whenever I share this fear, people are like its no big deal I had one done. Well ya know what? I am not you and I am scared and need someone to hold my effing hand! OK?
Good start to my week.
Everyday I have a migraine. Now it is like they have just become a part of me. I smile through the pain, dizziness, and nausea but its getting difficult now that I have been vomiting on a daily basis and have no strength afterwards.
I have been going to the doctor with these symptoms for a couple years now and have had almost every test under the sun. Within the last 6 months I started noticing my vision has been decreasing, mostly in my left eye where strangely enough my migraines are centralized. When I told this to my doctor she freaked out. She recommended that I have an MRI. That scared the shit out of me. Not only because I am claustrophobic but also because it seemed like a dramatic jump. So instead of going through with it I decided to be a Guinea pig and try different medications; all of which have not worked. Now out of desperation to feel better, I decided to get an MRI. This morning the scheduling went through and I have one booked for Friday after my class. I am scared shitless.
Whenever I share this fear, people are like its no big deal I had one done. Well ya know what? I am not you and I am scared and need someone to hold my effing hand! OK?
Good start to my week.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Good old cell phone
I have a real dependency on my cell phone. It is ridiculous.
Last December, I had a week from hell. It started with a bad day at work. When I finally got to go home, a couple hours later than expected, I went out to wipe off the 5 inches of snow off my car. As I was finishing up by scraping off the layer of ice, I broke my windshield wiper. I was lifting it up to clear the ice from underneath when I slipped and broke the wiper as I fell. So in addition to breaking my wiper, I felt like I broke my hip, but only bruised it. To make matters worse, that had to be the day I wore a skirt to work. After an hour of wiping of my car I finally got to leave the parking lot. Sounds easy enough, except, that was the night we got a huge snowstorm. Perfect. So I took the back roads all the way home going 10 mph because I couldn't see out of my windshield...because the I broke the stupid wiper off. When I finally got back, I went looking for my phone so I could find someone who could help me with my wiper problem. However, I couldn't find my phone. I tore apart my room. I emptied every drawer, moved furniture, dumped out all of the random bags, and even went through my garbage. I found nothing but a pair of undies and a lip gloss I thought I lost.
This is the point when I panicked.
I had ransacked my room, tore apart my car, searched the parking lots and stores of all the places I went to that day, called security at the mall I worked at, as well as at my school, and even looked in snow banks.
It was gone.
Perfect.
I was so frustrated with myself that the whole time I was searching I was sobbing.
My phone had everything in it. I had all my contacts, pictures of my newborn niece, work schedules, appointments, and even stupid passwords. I would have called my parents except we all got new phone numbers a couple months back and I had no idea what theirs were. Most people could have driven home or something, but I am 8 hrs away from them. It was frustrating.
A couple of days went by and more bad things kept coming my way. I won't go into the details but I was pushed to my limit. I went and bought a whole new phone at full price then left for home. I couldn't handle staying in Milwaukee. I needed to get away to clear my head. So, I drove the 8 hours home getting my wipers fixed along the way.
I could say more about the continuation of my shitty week even as I was driving home (snow storm, wipers breaking completely, overdrafting, getting stood up by three guys plus getting dressed up and stood up by "friends", and so on...) but it isnt even important at this time.
So, back to my phone. After the week ended things got better and I accepted that I just had to roll with it. Then my brand new phone started working like a P.O.S. Eventually I upgraded to a completely different phone that I love. So in total, I spent 300+ dollars on getting a new working phone. It was hard to hand over the credit car knowing all the other bills I had to pay that month, but I needed a phone.
So flash forward to today, a little more than two months later.
J and I decided to go on a walk by the lakefront. As we walked we vented back and forth for a couple of hours about the stress of our lives. Eventually, we had to continue on with our lives and go back to civilization. As she was getting out of my car, she kept staring at the floor with a puzzled look. Then reached under the seat.
Guess what she pulled out?
My 3 month old cell phone that I lost back in December!
I was so pissed at myself. I swear I looked there! It sounds pathetic but I was so livid that I was shaking because of everything I had gone through because of the damn thing.
Pathetic.
All this time it had been driving around with me when I thought it was in a far away land. I could have saved some serious cash if I would have looked better. Oh and the best part is that I got a lecture from the 'rents about the whole thing. It was a half hour long lecture telling me I need to me more responsible and less carefree....yada yada yada. Yeah fuck my life.
I am over it now. Shit happens.
At least I have a phone I love now! :D
Last December, I had a week from hell. It started with a bad day at work. When I finally got to go home, a couple hours later than expected, I went out to wipe off the 5 inches of snow off my car. As I was finishing up by scraping off the layer of ice, I broke my windshield wiper. I was lifting it up to clear the ice from underneath when I slipped and broke the wiper as I fell. So in addition to breaking my wiper, I felt like I broke my hip, but only bruised it. To make matters worse, that had to be the day I wore a skirt to work. After an hour of wiping of my car I finally got to leave the parking lot. Sounds easy enough, except, that was the night we got a huge snowstorm. Perfect. So I took the back roads all the way home going 10 mph because I couldn't see out of my windshield...because the I broke the stupid wiper off. When I finally got back, I went looking for my phone so I could find someone who could help me with my wiper problem. However, I couldn't find my phone. I tore apart my room. I emptied every drawer, moved furniture, dumped out all of the random bags, and even went through my garbage. I found nothing but a pair of undies and a lip gloss I thought I lost.
This is the point when I panicked.
I had ransacked my room, tore apart my car, searched the parking lots and stores of all the places I went to that day, called security at the mall I worked at, as well as at my school, and even looked in snow banks.
It was gone.
Perfect.
I was so frustrated with myself that the whole time I was searching I was sobbing.
My phone had everything in it. I had all my contacts, pictures of my newborn niece, work schedules, appointments, and even stupid passwords. I would have called my parents except we all got new phone numbers a couple months back and I had no idea what theirs were. Most people could have driven home or something, but I am 8 hrs away from them. It was frustrating.
A couple of days went by and more bad things kept coming my way. I won't go into the details but I was pushed to my limit. I went and bought a whole new phone at full price then left for home. I couldn't handle staying in Milwaukee. I needed to get away to clear my head. So, I drove the 8 hours home getting my wipers fixed along the way.
I could say more about the continuation of my shitty week even as I was driving home (snow storm, wipers breaking completely, overdrafting, getting stood up by three guys plus getting dressed up and stood up by "friends", and so on...) but it isnt even important at this time.
So, back to my phone. After the week ended things got better and I accepted that I just had to roll with it. Then my brand new phone started working like a P.O.S. Eventually I upgraded to a completely different phone that I love. So in total, I spent 300+ dollars on getting a new working phone. It was hard to hand over the credit car knowing all the other bills I had to pay that month, but I needed a phone.
So flash forward to today, a little more than two months later.
J and I decided to go on a walk by the lakefront. As we walked we vented back and forth for a couple of hours about the stress of our lives. Eventually, we had to continue on with our lives and go back to civilization. As she was getting out of my car, she kept staring at the floor with a puzzled look. Then reached under the seat.
Guess what she pulled out?
My 3 month old cell phone that I lost back in December!
I was so pissed at myself. I swear I looked there! It sounds pathetic but I was so livid that I was shaking because of everything I had gone through because of the damn thing.
Pathetic.
All this time it had been driving around with me when I thought it was in a far away land. I could have saved some serious cash if I would have looked better. Oh and the best part is that I got a lecture from the 'rents about the whole thing. It was a half hour long lecture telling me I need to me more responsible and less carefree....yada yada yada. Yeah fuck my life.
I am over it now. Shit happens.
At least I have a phone I love now! :D
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Nicknames
As most stories start, S and I were sleep deprived one night and started talking about nicknames. I couldn't believe how many I have gotten throughout the years.
I think I have more nicknames than anyone. LOL
Brookums
Brookstar
Brookie
Brookling
Creek
Brooksical
Arnold
Princess Squash
B-ro
Buddo
Berb
Peaches
Peach tree
Butterfly
"her"
...and those are just from within the past five years. Hmm I wonder what my list will be 20 years from now.
I think I have more nicknames than anyone. LOL
Brookums
Brookstar
Brookie
Brookling
Creek
Brooksical
Arnold
Princess Squash
B-ro
Buddo
Berb
Peaches
Peach tree
Butterfly
"her"
...and those are just from within the past five years. Hmm I wonder what my list will be 20 years from now.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Tequila Mockingbird.
About a month ago I had an akward moment with a boy named A. At first I was like whatever it was no big deal. He was drunk, I wasn't even close.
Now I am realizing it affected me more than I thought. Occasionally I will see people who have similar features to him and it gives me flashbacks to the night.
-->bringing me into a bedroom to "talk", awkward staring, hand up my shirt, pulling me down, telling me to drink more.
I just got up and was like I can't do this. I am not that girl.
So I left.
I told my brother, and he prevented him from getting within ten feet of me. lol
It still bothers me though.
Why?
Why did he have to be a douche? Why is this affecting me?
Ok so I still am bothered by the whole D trying to take off my pants on the steps thing but...Grrr! Ah! So I just realized the common denominator is tequila! I have gotten better since the whole D thing though. Man I am just glad that I wasn't wasted when the whole A thing happened. Shit. That could have been worse.
It over. I am fine...must...move...on.
Now I am realizing it affected me more than I thought. Occasionally I will see people who have similar features to him and it gives me flashbacks to the night.
-->bringing me into a bedroom to "talk", awkward staring, hand up my shirt, pulling me down, telling me to drink more.
I just got up and was like I can't do this. I am not that girl.
So I left.
I told my brother, and he prevented him from getting within ten feet of me. lol
It still bothers me though.
Why?
Why did he have to be a douche? Why is this affecting me?
Ok so I still am bothered by the whole D trying to take off my pants on the steps thing but...Grrr! Ah! So I just realized the common denominator is tequila! I have gotten better since the whole D thing though. Man I am just glad that I wasn't wasted when the whole A thing happened. Shit. That could have been worse.
It over. I am fine...must...move...on.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Boobs can't live with them can't live without them
So far today I have changed my outfit 4 times. I have a closet full of cothes but I can still find nothing to wear! Why is that? So, instead of calling in sick to work for lack of attractive clothing, I chose to wear all black. I feel like a widower. I guess I am mourning the fact that I have lost my ability to work with what I have.
Its comical that my room is full of color but my wardrobe lacks it. My bras and undies, lounge clothes, sheets, towels and so on, are all really bold and bright. Weird.
Oh, so I am so pissed that I went down a pant size but up a cup size! OK so some people would celebrate that but when you are a triple D its scary thinking that you can fit in your bra. I don't want to be that girl with the freakishly large breasts. LOL. So I guess thats why sports bras cant even keep the damn things strapped in. When I run I have to hold them down so they dont hit anyone. Oh geez. The life I live eh?
Its comical that my room is full of color but my wardrobe lacks it. My bras and undies, lounge clothes, sheets, towels and so on, are all really bold and bright. Weird.
Oh, so I am so pissed that I went down a pant size but up a cup size! OK so some people would celebrate that but when you are a triple D its scary thinking that you can fit in your bra. I don't want to be that girl with the freakishly large breasts. LOL. So I guess thats why sports bras cant even keep the damn things strapped in. When I run I have to hold them down so they dont hit anyone. Oh geez. The life I live eh?
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Money really does make the world go round.
Monday I had talked to T about a shift change. I explained how R was covering my shift this week so I could take an equivalent shift of her's next week. It was easy enough, but not really. T got really confused and started to explain that we had not yet met a credit goal, so some adjustments had to be made with the schedule.
As he continues to explain, I find out that basically I will not be getting many hours because I am not meeting my credit goals. I was livid. Instead of pissing and moaning and throwing a mannequin, I calmly explained my reasoning for hesitating with credit.
Basically I don't feel comfortable pushing a credit card on someone when I know the financial burden can cause. Trust me, I know from personal experience. By the end of our conversation I was upset. I love my job and don't want to have to quit but, I may have to if I can't get enough hours.
The last ten minutes of my shift I was pissed and fought back angry tears. When the clock struck 2, I stormed out tears running down my cheeks. I was so frustrated. I thought I had found such a great job only to not get the hours needed to pay my bills.
I sat in my car bawling. All I could think about is "How am I going to pay the 750 for tuition this month?" .
Money.Money.Money.
There never is enough.
It really bothers me how everything is going well in my life except for the finances. I am broke and in serious debt because of my school. As I think back to all of the times I have cried in the past month, I realize the have been because of financial situations. I am over crying all of the drama from people, now I am stuck on the Benjamin's.
Once again I am back to my original plan. I start setting up for me to move back to MN. There I would have a place to live and there would be plenty of job options. I would have to drop out of school and start paying interest on my loans but at least I would have some place to live.
While all of this financial burden is on my mind I have to go to school and balance the 18 credits I signed up for. Hello shit storm party of one.
So I may not have been in the best mood for the past couple weeks because of all of this. I am only human my smile fades as I get overwhelmed.
Last night before I went to bed, as I do best, I made up a list of employment options as well as thing I had to get done. When I fell asleep I was prepared, and looking forward to, having the day to get financially organized. Instead I get a phone call at 9 asking if I could work.
Even though I didn't really want to go in, I had to get paid. I needed the hours. So I go in and get an awesome greeting/ scowl from C "Why are YOU here? You don't work". Oh thank you C for the usually cheery attitude.
Fortunately I was in a good mood. I was perfectly content even though I was stuck organizing the whole Cacique section plus running till. I have all the quads done when T comes over and gives me that look. It was that we need to talk. In my head I kept thinking "shit, shit, shit! He is going to fire me. I did something wrong.".
Instead he started by explaining that he noticed I was upset as I was leaving work on Monday and wanted to apologize for any confusion. It wasn't what I had expected at all. I explained my situation and, he made my day.
I told T that I understand it is part of my job to sell credit and since I didnt feel comfortable doing so I would understand if I needed to put in my two weeks. This is when he suprised me. "NO. No.no. I don't want to lose you. You sell the product and present yourself in a very professional manner and I would be able to overlook the credit if you woud stay". I was so relieved. It also didnt hurt that in his speech he flooded me with complements about my work.
I didn't show it, but i was doing a happy dance inside.
Although I am still in...oh about 100,000 dollars in debt, I am glad that I have a job I love to help me lower that number.
I am a workaholic. I love working and being busy. If you don't believe me look at my W-2's! Tonight I started filing my taxes with the W-2s I have and couldn't believe how many jobs I have had in 2008. I am getting 5 W-2s back but have only recieved three which only brought in under 3,000 dollars. Funny thing is those were side jobs and the rest of my source of income will be found on the last two. Well, at least thats what is filed. I have so many random side jobs that it is hard to keep track.
Just for fun, and because I love making lists lets review my jobs for 2008:
Rwemp-C-Store Clerk
Media Hub-Student Worker
TLC Home Healthcare- Personal Care Attendant
Country Critters Daycare-Child Wrangler/Houskeeping
Lane Bryant-holiday sales associate (now part time sales :) )
--now off the books
Nanny-Chased after three wild kids
Occasional Babysitter (for two family friends)
Construction Work- painted, ripped out carpet, stained boards, took out windows, ect
Houskeeper- Cleaned 3 people's houses
Cabin Care-Cleaned cabins and washed windows for a friends buisness
Yard Work/Landscaping- Raked, Mowed, moved mountains, ect (I still have not gotten paid)
Overnight Team Leader- Showed off school to prospective students
In addition to all of these I also volunteered countless hours of my time to school groups I was in and helping family and friends with their projects. Oh yeah and I am a full time student.
I am sorry what did you call me earlier? A slacker? Ha ha yeah from first glance
As he continues to explain, I find out that basically I will not be getting many hours because I am not meeting my credit goals. I was livid. Instead of pissing and moaning and throwing a mannequin, I calmly explained my reasoning for hesitating with credit.
Basically I don't feel comfortable pushing a credit card on someone when I know the financial burden can cause. Trust me, I know from personal experience. By the end of our conversation I was upset. I love my job and don't want to have to quit but, I may have to if I can't get enough hours.
The last ten minutes of my shift I was pissed and fought back angry tears. When the clock struck 2, I stormed out tears running down my cheeks. I was so frustrated. I thought I had found such a great job only to not get the hours needed to pay my bills.
I sat in my car bawling. All I could think about is "How am I going to pay the 750 for tuition this month?" .
Money.Money.Money.
There never is enough.
It really bothers me how everything is going well in my life except for the finances. I am broke and in serious debt because of my school. As I think back to all of the times I have cried in the past month, I realize the have been because of financial situations. I am over crying all of the drama from people, now I am stuck on the Benjamin's.
Once again I am back to my original plan. I start setting up for me to move back to MN. There I would have a place to live and there would be plenty of job options. I would have to drop out of school and start paying interest on my loans but at least I would have some place to live.
While all of this financial burden is on my mind I have to go to school and balance the 18 credits I signed up for. Hello shit storm party of one.
So I may not have been in the best mood for the past couple weeks because of all of this. I am only human my smile fades as I get overwhelmed.
Last night before I went to bed, as I do best, I made up a list of employment options as well as thing I had to get done. When I fell asleep I was prepared, and looking forward to, having the day to get financially organized. Instead I get a phone call at 9 asking if I could work.
Even though I didn't really want to go in, I had to get paid. I needed the hours. So I go in and get an awesome greeting/ scowl from C "Why are YOU here? You don't work". Oh thank you C for the usually cheery attitude.
Fortunately I was in a good mood. I was perfectly content even though I was stuck organizing the whole Cacique section plus running till. I have all the quads done when T comes over and gives me that look. It was that we need to talk. In my head I kept thinking "shit, shit, shit! He is going to fire me. I did something wrong.".
Instead he started by explaining that he noticed I was upset as I was leaving work on Monday and wanted to apologize for any confusion. It wasn't what I had expected at all. I explained my situation and, he made my day.
I told T that I understand it is part of my job to sell credit and since I didnt feel comfortable doing so I would understand if I needed to put in my two weeks. This is when he suprised me. "NO. No.no. I don't want to lose you. You sell the product and present yourself in a very professional manner and I would be able to overlook the credit if you woud stay". I was so relieved. It also didnt hurt that in his speech he flooded me with complements about my work.
I didn't show it, but i was doing a happy dance inside.
Although I am still in...oh about 100,000 dollars in debt, I am glad that I have a job I love to help me lower that number.
I am a workaholic. I love working and being busy. If you don't believe me look at my W-2's! Tonight I started filing my taxes with the W-2s I have and couldn't believe how many jobs I have had in 2008. I am getting 5 W-2s back but have only recieved three which only brought in under 3,000 dollars. Funny thing is those were side jobs and the rest of my source of income will be found on the last two. Well, at least thats what is filed. I have so many random side jobs that it is hard to keep track.
Just for fun, and because I love making lists lets review my jobs for 2008:
Rwemp-C-Store Clerk
Media Hub-Student Worker
TLC Home Healthcare- Personal Care Attendant
Country Critters Daycare-Child Wrangler/Houskeeping
Lane Bryant-holiday sales associate (now part time sales :) )
--now off the books
Nanny-Chased after three wild kids
Occasional Babysitter (for two family friends)
Construction Work- painted, ripped out carpet, stained boards, took out windows, ect
Houskeeper- Cleaned 3 people's houses
Cabin Care-Cleaned cabins and washed windows for a friends buisness
Yard Work/Landscaping- Raked, Mowed, moved mountains, ect (I still have not gotten paid)
Overnight Team Leader- Showed off school to prospective students
In addition to all of these I also volunteered countless hours of my time to school groups I was in and helping family and friends with their projects. Oh yeah and I am a full time student.
I am sorry what did you call me earlier? A slacker? Ha ha yeah from first glance
Friday, January 30, 2009
Hi, my name is Brooke and I have an addiction to buying sexy clothes. In the past couple weeks we have been getting in some really cute lingere at work. I really want these three things but I don't know if I want to buy them for myself. I guess it's not fun when you have nobody to show it to. I mean, ok, I show my friends but its not the same. lol. They just say its cute and to put my pants back on.
I have the first bra and can't stop looking at my boobs in the mirror when I wear it. It is amazing.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
I must look like a real slob on a normal day! Today I dressed up for work then quick ran over to the commons and everyone stopped me to tell me how good I look. Thanks guys! I will try and put on make-up and a skirt more often. Oh ahhaha then when i went to get my food from the hot bar Steve instead of saying hello was like "whoa girl! Who's the lucky man?" Me, like the smart ass I am, responded with, " Ben Frankin...I work hard for my money". Lol.
I am in a really good mood today. Maybe its that I looked in the mirror and smiled, or the fact that I finally have moved on. Yay. Today is like a major self-love day today! I love myself and I am proud that I have been able to keep my legs closed for 20 years and not give my heart away to every guy who says he likes me. HAHA.
Ok crazy lady's gots to go to work. Peace out mountain goat.
I am in a really good mood today. Maybe its that I looked in the mirror and smiled, or the fact that I finally have moved on. Yay. Today is like a major self-love day today! I love myself and I am proud that I have been able to keep my legs closed for 20 years and not give my heart away to every guy who says he likes me. HAHA.
Ok crazy lady's gots to go to work. Peace out mountain goat.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
25 randar things about me
I write everyday. Anything and everything.
I smile and laugh a lot. I look forward to my laugh lines.
Although I have three chairs, plus a bed, in my room I still sit on the floor, windowsill, sink, or my desk.
I hate pants. The first thing I do when I get to my dorm is take them off.
I like to eat my oatmeal cold.
When I can’t sleep I fantasize.
I cried and pouted when my parents told me the car they were getting me. I wanted a truck and thought my car was ugly. Now I love Flo and think that she is a beautiful racing machine.
I waste so many post its. I keep them everywhere just in case I need one.
Ever since I got my nipples pierced my boobs have been insensitive. People poke them and it’s the same feeling as if they poked my arm.
Spiderman is hanging in my closet.
I have more Hello Kitty appliances than one person should.
I get weird cravings like a pregnant person. Right now I really want a pickle wrapped in salami.
I am a hopeless romantic. I always root for couple to just make out already.
It absolutely drives me nuts when the bottoms of my pants get wet.
Hockey fights turn me on.
When I am having a bad day at home, I go and lie by Chloe and everything goes away.
My dad is, and always will be the most important man in my life. I love him with all my heart.
I scrunch my nose and close my eyes when I think about embarrassing things.
I have never broken a bone. However, I accidentally injure myself more than most people.
I name inanimate things I own so that I don’t hurt them.
I have a girl crush on Kate Beckensale.
After I graduate I want to do mission work in an under privileged country for a while.
Several times throughout the day things people say remind me of lyrics to songs.
Sitting still is a sign that I am either really sick or dead. An appendage of some sort has to always be moving.
The phrase TMI was invented for me. I share too much and often find myself in uncomfortable situations.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Worth more than that...
Cry: To sob or shed tears because of grief, sorrow, or pain; weep.Crying is a simple human emotion that we all are capable of. Although some may not admit it, it feels good. Once the endorphins are released, you feel as if a weight were lifted off of your shoulders. When you have the worst day ever crying can help you move on. Now imagine having that ability taken away.
Welcome to my life. I have depression.
Ever since I was diagnosed in seventh grade, I have been dealing with the severe highs and lows in my day-to-day life because of it. During the time between then and now I have gotten used to being able to cry and move on during the low times. I was able to deal with my depression that way until I started college and had my first breakdown. I was so depressed and frustrated that I needed help. I started taking antidepressants which helped me a lot. Finally my emotions were regulated, and I stopped feeling so overwhelmed. After I had been medicated for a couple of months I realized what the worst side effects were.
I no longer had the ability to cry. Instead, I found myself with two emotions; happy and blank. Inside I may be screaming but you would never know because I don’t express it; instead I just stare blankly at the outside world.
After a while I was frustrated because I couldn’t vent my frustrations, so, I stopped taking my pills. Now I was able to cry but found myself in more pain than before. I would have stomach pain, feel dizzy, get migraines, and vomit. I was going through withdrawals, so, I went back on them. I went back to my two emotions.
Eventually, life would happen and I would end up in the midst of a shit storm. During this time I would want nothing more than to cry in order to release the emotions. No such luck. I didn’t want to go off of my pills again so I needed to find another outlet for emotion. This is when I came up with a bad habit. Are you ready for it?
I started cutting myself.
I was pretty secretive about it so nobody ever found out. Instead, whenever I was frustrated and needed to release emotions, I would sneak away and cut. In the beginning I used the same thing to make the cuts, but then I “needed” to do it at places other than my house. So I got creative.
Thinking back, my lowest point was when I was pissed off at work. I snuck away using the excuse to use the bathroom. I remember sitting on the floor and cutting into my skin with the box cutter that was “just another part of my uniform”. My leg would be bleeding and I would just fix my clothes and come out of the bathroom as I could feel the blood dripping down my leg.
Once again, this was a low point.
At first I only did it a couple times a year. At least until I hit a serious bump in the road.
I got the news that my grandpa had died. I fell apart.
During this time I cried more than I ever have. I spent the whole day inside my room sobbing, unable to stop. I was frustrated and decided to treat pain with more pain. While my roommate was gone I would cut tracks up and down. It went on for a couple weeks. My legs were scarred. I was scarred. Running out of places I decided to cut my wrist. Instead of doing the normal lines I cut a star hoping it would scar over and eventually fade away.
No such luck.
Like the memories of these days, the scar never did fade away. Instead each day I have to wake up and see the star scar. As morbid as it sounds I am glad I put it there. If I didn’t I don’t think I ever would have healed.
As I started to feel happier, I started realizing that I didn’t deserve to constantly be hurt like this. There are better ways to express emotions. As the days went on I started to immerse myself in music. Everyday I would hunt for new bands and feel relieved when certain songs came out of the speakers. They had gone through similar things and found the strength to move on.
So could I.
Music became my new medicine. Each day I took a healthy dose and escaped reality for a moment while I paged through playlists. Eventually my scars healed and so did I. Now instead of escaping to cut myself I escape and listen to my iPod. It is the best therapy. I am thankful for music and all the great things it brings to my life.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Just an ordinary day...
Today was an ordinary weekend.
I got up, pissed that I had to be up early. With sleep still in my eyes I stood in front of the mirror. As I opened and closed my eyes several times, I wondered to myself if I could get away with showering. I found the answer quick when I lifted up my arm to grab my toothbrush. I scuttled off to the showers, kicking my soap along the way. When I stepped in the shower I couldn’t help but stand and let the water warm me up from the arctic temperatures of my room. It felt so good to stand in one place and let the beads of water fall down my skin and drench my hair. I escaped into the serenity of the drops on the plastic floor. I quickly snap back to reality as a toilet flushes.
As I continue showering I make a list of things to get done today:
::..Play rent-a-mommy, meet the girls for sushi, finish moving, unpack, do laundry, clean, track down W-2s, look for plane tickets, get books for improve, make a handful of phone calls, work out, and attempt to do my homework.
Once again I have put to many things on my list; I know I won’t get all of it done. I sure love lists but sometimes I put more on them than humanly possible. Oh well. There are two days making up a weekend for a reason.
I got up, pissed that I had to be up early. With sleep still in my eyes I stood in front of the mirror. As I opened and closed my eyes several times, I wondered to myself if I could get away with showering. I found the answer quick when I lifted up my arm to grab my toothbrush. I scuttled off to the showers, kicking my soap along the way. When I stepped in the shower I couldn’t help but stand and let the water warm me up from the arctic temperatures of my room. It felt so good to stand in one place and let the beads of water fall down my skin and drench my hair. I escaped into the serenity of the drops on the plastic floor. I quickly snap back to reality as a toilet flushes.
As I continue showering I make a list of things to get done today:
::..Play rent-a-mommy, meet the girls for sushi, finish moving, unpack, do laundry, clean, track down W-2s, look for plane tickets, get books for improve, make a handful of phone calls, work out, and attempt to do my homework.
Once again I have put to many things on my list; I know I won’t get all of it done. I sure love lists but sometimes I put more on them than humanly possible. Oh well. There are two days making up a weekend for a reason.
Friday, January 23, 2009
::..I hate being a fucking woman..::
I have hormone surges like a mother fucker! I can tell when Aunt Flo is coming because I get grumpy and horny like no tomorrow. All I have been able to think about is having rough sex with some random stranger. If only there weren’t all kinds of risks attached to that.
--->So today as I was waiting at a stoplight. I looked to my right. There was my dream car sitting right beside me.
I grin from ear to ear and bite my lip
-->A beautiful, lifted, dodge ram 1500 (what can I say..I am a small town girl)
--SEX--
Right there in the bed of the truck. (OK so it’s a little cold at the moment) That would be so hot though, to have the spur of the moment, no strings attached sex. I don’t know why but it has always been my fantasy to fuck in the back of a truck. I guess the whole being connected to nature thing gets to me. At this point I am past fantasizing about the gleaming hub caps and thumping bass. Now my mind goes to a naughty place. Maybe it’s the smell of sex from my air freshener or the sexy sounds coming from my speakers.
Right there in the bed of the truck. (OK so it’s a little cold at the moment) That would be so hot though, to have the spur of the moment, no strings attached sex. I don’t know why but it has always been my fantasy to fuck in the back of a truck. I guess the whole being connected to nature thing gets to me. At this point I am past fantasizing about the gleaming hub caps and thumping bass. Now my mind goes to a naughty place. Maybe it’s the smell of sex from my air freshener or the sexy sounds coming from my speakers.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
Truth be told..
2:50 a.m. I am sitting in my freezing kitchen with my head in my hands.
Thinking. Analyzing. Wondering.
Why is it that I have so many broken friendships? Is it me? Or “them”?
Recent events have opened my eyes to the cause. It is me. I have this problem where I put friends through tests. I say stupid “fibs” in order to see how they react, and wait for them to leave. It’s my defense mechanism to make them jump through hoops to see if they are really my friend. It may sound silly and childish, but it’s my subconscious trying to prevent my heart from actually loving anyone or anything.
Not many people know this, but I am afraid of love. I don’t want to be too attached because then it hurts even more when I lose them. If I test people, like I am, I prevent them from loving me for who I really am. When I dig even deeper I realize that I am afraid of love…because I don’t think I am lovable. If you don’t love yourself, how can you be capable of loving anybody else? I know this is so messed up and I need to start being more trusting. Like I always say…I am truly a work in progress.
These past couple months have been really rough for me with extreme highs and lows. I am so thankful for my two best friends sticking by my side and keeping me grounded. I also am thankful to have parents as forgiving as mine. I mess up A LOT and they always help me out even when I may not want them to. I may not know what I want to do with my life, or where I want to be, but I know who I want by my side.
Although I have a tough exterior, I still bruise easily.
Thinking. Analyzing. Wondering.
Why is it that I have so many broken friendships? Is it me? Or “them”?
Recent events have opened my eyes to the cause. It is me. I have this problem where I put friends through tests. I say stupid “fibs” in order to see how they react, and wait for them to leave. It’s my defense mechanism to make them jump through hoops to see if they are really my friend. It may sound silly and childish, but it’s my subconscious trying to prevent my heart from actually loving anyone or anything.
Not many people know this, but I am afraid of love. I don’t want to be too attached because then it hurts even more when I lose them. If I test people, like I am, I prevent them from loving me for who I really am. When I dig even deeper I realize that I am afraid of love…because I don’t think I am lovable. If you don’t love yourself, how can you be capable of loving anybody else? I know this is so messed up and I need to start being more trusting. Like I always say…I am truly a work in progress.
These past couple months have been really rough for me with extreme highs and lows. I am so thankful for my two best friends sticking by my side and keeping me grounded. I also am thankful to have parents as forgiving as mine. I mess up A LOT and they always help me out even when I may not want them to. I may not know what I want to do with my life, or where I want to be, but I know who I want by my side.
Although I have a tough exterior, I still bruise easily.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
It was you I was thinking of...
Currently I am listening to the best playlist courtesy of my GENIUS option on my iPOD.
I realize I constantly am writing about how I connect with music, but, I can't help it! Music is my pulse, it keeps me going day to day.
These past couple months I have been going through a really rough patch. I don't know what I want to do or where I want to be. My friends and family are probably going insane with my mood swings and constant changes to my "life plan", but I am indecisive.
I feel like I am made of fail.
Today as I was browsing through my journal there were pages from the last couple months all with the same denominater; I move forward three steps only to be knocked back 8. Although I continuesly wrote this, I have a hard time believing it these days. Even with all of my problems, they really don't add up to much in the bigger picture.
I am young; the best is yet to come.
I realize I constantly am writing about how I connect with music, but, I can't help it! Music is my pulse, it keeps me going day to day.
These past couple months I have been going through a really rough patch. I don't know what I want to do or where I want to be. My friends and family are probably going insane with my mood swings and constant changes to my "life plan", but I am indecisive.
I feel like I am made of fail.
Today as I was browsing through my journal there were pages from the last couple months all with the same denominater; I move forward three steps only to be knocked back 8. Although I continuesly wrote this, I have a hard time believing it these days. Even with all of my problems, they really don't add up to much in the bigger picture.
I am young; the best is yet to come.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Poor Florence
Isn't it funny how timing can effect the severety of an occurance. If you could go back in time two seconds and interfere there would be a whole different outcome.
I am not the kind of woman lto ive in regret but instead I wonder "what if". What if I decided to live here instead of there? Would I still find myself dealing with the same issue or is my location a catalyst? What if I had gotten home at midnight like I was supposed to? Would I have been injured along with my car?
Last night my car got broken into. I now have a huge hole through my back winshield. When I realized what had happened I didn't freak out. Instead, I called the police and reported criminal damage to personal property. I spent the whole night dealing with the aftermath of this act. Now, the next morning, it is finally starting to bother me.
In about an hour I leave for a much needed break of scenery. Although I am trying to stay positive I still am bothered and filled with concern about my car. I realize that things could be worse but I would much rather get it fixed now rather than waiting until I get back in a week.
Most people would freak out about something like this but I am oddly calm and stable just filled with questions.
I am not the kind of woman lto ive in regret but instead I wonder "what if". What if I decided to live here instead of there? Would I still find myself dealing with the same issue or is my location a catalyst? What if I had gotten home at midnight like I was supposed to? Would I have been injured along with my car?
Last night my car got broken into. I now have a huge hole through my back winshield. When I realized what had happened I didn't freak out. Instead, I called the police and reported criminal damage to personal property. I spent the whole night dealing with the aftermath of this act. Now, the next morning, it is finally starting to bother me.
In about an hour I leave for a much needed break of scenery. Although I am trying to stay positive I still am bothered and filled with concern about my car. I realize that things could be worse but I would much rather get it fixed now rather than waiting until I get back in a week.
Most people would freak out about something like this but I am oddly calm and stable just filled with questions.
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