The sun has not even risen but somehow I manage to be wide awake (I blame my bladder for waking me up at this before-the-break-of-dawn hour). Even though I was planning on getting an additional 4 hours of sleep before meeting L, I am ok with being awake.
I find it peaceful being awake so early, not much is going on in the city. The the hustle and bustle is masked by the blanket of night which uncovers a reflective side within myself. After laying in bed for a while, staring out the window at the dew on the cars below, I decided to make some coffee and ease into the day. I sat for a while, sipping at the dark brew, and started to reflect on my epiphany within the last couple weeks. Now as I sit here at my desk wiping the sleep out of my eyes, I can't help but be proud of the progress I am making on, well, myself.
In previous months I have been dealing with over exaggerated emotions. I would be up down and all around, getting depressed over every spilled cup of milk. Now these exaggerated emotions are subdued and somewhat normal. For example, instead of waking up and faking sick because I am too depressed to go to class, I wake up happy. This is a big deal for me. I have been doing so good that somedays I have a belly full of butterflies and have no idea why they are there.
I no longer have that voice in my head questioning why I am here. I know why I am here; I have a purpose. Although it isn't clear where I am meant to go, it's ok. Currently, I am living life one day at a time and doing what I want; instead of living according to someone else.
I believe the real reason I have been able to get to this point is because of my support system and a new found confidence. My friends are very important but I know that they can't be my everything. As harsh as is sounds, people always leave. This past year frienships have been altered. I grew closer to some people while distancing myself from others. Although it hurts to lose a friend I have learned not to depend on them for everything. They have their life adnI have mine.
I have found that at this stage of my life I am allowed to be selfish. I am not (nor ever will be) perfect. Right now I need to be working on ME, and not trying to mend what doesn't want to be fixed. I have my flaws. Instead of ripping on mysef for them. I have chosen to accept them. They set me apart from others but don't define me.
It is like a breath of fresh air.
I may seem narcissistic but I am just proud I have gotten to a point where I accept myself. I used to stand in front of the mirror and mentally pick at every flaw. Eventualy I got to the point where I hated myself so much that I wanted to end my life. I felt broken and confused.
Now when I look at myself I see a beautiful young woman. I admire my natural beauty. I appreciate who I am. No longer do I need to have someone else tell me I am beautiful (although it does give me butterflies when someone does).
Too often I am hurt. I feel broken. However, I will work to find the glue to put myself back together.
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