Lately, I find myself happiest when I am simply sitting by the lake reading. I am calmed and centered by watching the water creep up the, sand gently lapping against the ends of my toes with the sun warming my shoulders. I escape reality and get engulfed by the alluring text of my book.
I have been reading almost everyday which was unusual for me in the past because I would only read if I knew I had a test on it the next day. Now I am using books to fool myself into thinking things are better than they really are. I thought it was interesting how people think that I am joking when I say that I spend my summer days reading. It apparently is not what I do. Who says that I can't change who I am and start a new hobby? I actually do love literature and would read but never talked about it because I thought it made me sound boring. Now I don't really care because who are other people to judge me and tell me what I can and cant do?
I am over pretending to be someone else.
This summer I have had the pleasure of spending time with my extended family. Everyone gathers together with smiles on their faces and kind words stuffed in their mouths when really they are avoiding what needs to be discussed. This has always been the way things have worked, but, I suppose as I grew older I realized that even if you feel hurt by something previously said you have to bite your tongue and smile. It can be hard when you really want to slap them into reality and talk about what is really going on.
In the past I hated having to walk on eggshells trying to please people. I basically told them what they wanted to hear. Now I say what is on my mind and act like myself instead of how I "should" act. So far it isn't going so well as I have this feeling like I am slowly being excommunicated from the family. For me this is a harsh reality I have to take with a bite of honey. Maybe it is best I separate myself. I have tried doing things their way and following along with their crazy ideas but I only find myself in depression ruts when things don't go as expected.
I have to do what is best for me. Other people may not understand but I have to learn by doing things on my own instead of following others guidance. I am a loner and always have been so it should really be no surprise that I need to do things on my own in order to get the most benefit.
Although I may be a loner I still miss people. I get sad knowing that I lost communication with people I really care about. I miss getting calls just to see how I am or letters in the mail.
*Sigh* I miss. Story of my life.
