Worth more than that...

Cry: To sob or shed tears because of grief, sorrow, or pain; weep.


Crying is a simple human emotion that we all are capable of. Although some may not admit it, it feels good. Once the endorphins are released, you feel as if a weight were lifted off of your shoulders. When you have the worst day ever crying can help you move on. Now imagine having that ability taken away.

Welcome to my life. I have depression.

Ever since I was diagnosed in seventh grade, I have been dealing with the severe highs and lows in my day-to-day life because of it. During the time between then and now I have gotten used to being able to cry and move on during the low times. I was able to deal with my depression that way until I started college and had my first breakdown. I was so depressed and frustrated that I needed help. I started taking antidepressants which helped me a lot. Finally my emotions were regulated, and I stopped feeling so overwhelmed. After I had been medicated for a couple of months I realized what the worst side effects were.
I no longer had the ability to cry. Instead, I found myself with two emotions; happy and blank. Inside I may be screaming but you would never know because I don’t express it; instead I just stare blankly at the outside world.
After a while I was frustrated because I couldn’t vent my frustrations, so, I stopped taking my pills. Now I was able to cry but found myself in more pain than before. I would have stomach pain, feel dizzy, get migraines, and vomit. I was going through withdrawals, so, I went back on them. I went back to my two emotions.
Eventually, life would happen and I would end up in the midst of a shit storm. During this time I would want nothing more than to cry in order to release the emotions. No such luck. I didn’t want to go off of my pills again so I needed to find another outlet for emotion. This is when I came up with a bad habit. Are you ready for it?
I started cutting myself.
I was pretty secretive about it so nobody ever found out. Instead, whenever I was frustrated and needed to release emotions, I would sneak away and cut. In the beginning I used the same thing to make the cuts, but then I “needed” to do it at places other than my house. So I got creative.
Thinking back, my lowest point was when I was pissed off at work. I snuck away using the excuse to use the bathroom. I remember sitting on the floor and cutting into my skin with the box cutter that was “just another part of my uniform”. My leg would be bleeding and I would just fix my clothes and come out of the bathroom as I could feel the blood dripping down my leg.
Once again, this was a low point.
At first I only did it a couple times a year. At least until I hit a serious bump in the road.
I got the news that my grandpa had died. I fell apart.
During this time I cried more than I ever have. I spent the whole day inside my room sobbing, unable to stop. I was frustrated and decided to treat pain with more pain. While my roommate was gone I would cut tracks up and down. It went on for a couple weeks. My legs were scarred. I was scarred. Running out of places I decided to cut my wrist. Instead of doing the normal lines I cut a star hoping it would scar over and eventually fade away.
No such luck.
Like the memories of these days, the scar never did fade away. Instead each day I have to wake up and see the star scar. As morbid as it sounds I am glad I put it there. If I didn’t I don’t think I ever would have healed.
As I started to feel happier, I started realizing that I didn’t deserve to constantly be hurt like this. There are better ways to express emotions. As the days went on I started to immerse myself in music. Everyday I would hunt for new bands and feel relieved when certain songs came out of the speakers. They had gone through similar things and found the strength to move on.
So could I.
Music became my new medicine. Each day I took a healthy dose and escaped reality for a moment while I paged through playlists. Eventually my scars healed and so did I. Now instead of escaping to cut myself I escape and listen to my iPod. It is the best therapy. I am thankful for music and all the great things it brings to my life.