2:50 a.m. I am sitting in my freezing kitchen with my head in my hands.
Thinking. Analyzing. Wondering.
Why is it that I have so many broken friendships? Is it me? Or “them”?
Recent events have opened my eyes to the cause. It is me. I have this problem where I put friends through tests. I say stupid “fibs” in order to see how they react, and wait for them to leave. It’s my defense mechanism to make them jump through hoops to see if they are really my friend. It may sound silly and childish, but it’s my subconscious trying to prevent my heart from actually loving anyone or anything.
Not many people know this, but I am afraid of love. I don’t want to be too attached because then it hurts even more when I lose them. If I test people, like I am, I prevent them from loving me for who I really am. When I dig even deeper I realize that I am afraid of love…because I don’t think I am lovable. If you don’t love yourself, how can you be capable of loving anybody else? I know this is so messed up and I need to start being more trusting. Like I always say…I am truly a work in progress.
These past couple months have been really rough for me with extreme highs and lows. I am so thankful for my two best friends sticking by my side and keeping me grounded. I also am thankful to have parents as forgiving as mine. I mess up A LOT and they always help me out even when I may not want them to. I may not know what I want to do with my life, or where I want to be, but I know who I want by my side.
Although I have a tough exterior, I still bruise easily.
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