My Pursuit to Happyness

March 13, 2008
All of my life I have been questioning who I am. Where is my place in the world? Where do I stand? What are my strengths and weaknesses?

I have felt inferior to other people thinking I wasn’t:
Pretty, smart, strong, thin, fast, artistic, creative, analytical, religious, friendly……GOOD enough.

I have come to the tough realization that the people in my life who I respected, loved, and become friends with, who came in and out of my life, sometimes were toxic to my mental health changing the way I was thinking and acting. They had me think that these words described me by what they said to me or showed me. I had spent too much time hating who I was, dreading looking in the mirror. This may not have been their intention but instead their way of dealing with our personal differences. It changed me and actually made me who I am today which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

I am learning to grow from it. OK. So my grandma calls me fat and makes comments about how I made a bad choice going into education. Is it true? No. That is her opinion on MY LIFE. Ok. I respect her but could never hate her for it. Instead I can move on and realize that these things don’t define me. I am who I am. I may be called dumb, fat, ginat, bitchy, selfish, and so on but it is not who I am. It is a persons opinion sparked by something they may have not agreed with.

Differences happen. However, the difference between levels of maturity is how you deal with these differences. This transition isn’t a changing from bad to good, but simply a part of growing up. As you move through life you are affected by your surroundings and slowly begin to find who you are. So far I have done a lot of thinking since I have moved around and met new people. I am still working on finding my path but slowly moving towards accepting me for who I am.

Reflecting on all this, I realized it’s not that these labels are my definition but merely the opinions of those around me. It depends on my own will to live in or out of these labels.

I really wish that it hadn’t taken 19 years to make this discovery. Even though it has been difficult, it’s worth going through the ups and downs of life knowing I am changing for the better.