Feel That Fire-Dierks Bentley

Last night I was too tired to drive home so I stayed at my "Golden Grams" house. She was so excited and made me pot roast, becasue I love it and she loves me. In the morning, after looking at endless amounts of family photos, I wanted to take a good picture of grams and I. I thought it was important since the last one she has of us is from Junior year of high school...and I was blonde. Nuff said. So when I told her I wanted to take a picture she decided to turn it into a photoshoot. She changed five times...and suprisingly I only changed twice, per her request. Above is outfit number one.

Out fit number two. I actually got her smiling!

Both of us

Her with the hyper, but ever so lovable, Archie

I tried getting a photo of Grams and Archie but he kept coming by me.

Outfit number three. Grams standing by the wall of grandkids. Her house is like a shrine, photos are everywhere.

Me waiting for her next change, while imitating an old photo of me in her glasses.

Outfit change number 4! Number two for me.

She actually made funny faces with me!

Oh the love.

Pirate face.

Kisses

Outfit number five. I love this pic! She looks so good.

Another good one of her in the kitchen.

Looking classy.

Grand Finale. OK thats enough. lol.

Don't Stop Believing-Journey

Tommorow morining I leave for my eight hour journey to "Rapids".

It couldn't have come at a better time because I am so stressed out and need nothing more than a couple nights of cuddle sessions with my dog. It sounds lame but I have not seen her since I was home for 5 hours back at the end of November.


It blows my mind that my whole family has not been together since christmas a year ago! Oh man. Its weird because we are all going our seperate ways. This year I had to work the day before and day after so I had to stay in Milwaukee and my brother's family were all in AZ so they couldnt be there. So we celebrated seperately. Weird.

Hicktown-Jason Aldean

I am and always be a country girl. Although I have been living in Milwaukee for 3 years I still have my good ol' country instincts. Sure I love being able to go shopping without having to drive 2 hours but I miss the free things about living out of the city.

For example....

After it rains it so fun to jump in the puddles and not have to worry about toxins going in your system. One of my fondest memories is making "mud boots" with my grandma, brother, and cousins. We ran around barefoot and had mud caked up to out knees then had a water fight afterwards.

Last fishing opener my family met up at the "palace"(a run down trailer house). We all met up there and gathered into boats and sat for hours, on the lake of many lost belongings, as the "moms" gathered stuff for lunch. When we got back we sat and talked by the fire while we cooked random grill food. Then, it started hailing so we went inside the trailer and played cards. I remember sitting by the door with my cousins looking at all of the chunks of ice that accumulated. When the storm passed we went outside and all of the grass was covered so the ground looked white instead of the green it was an hour earlier. We went back outside and next thing we know our family is having a hail fight. We all were bruised and muddy from running and falling as well as getting pelted with ice chunks that were an inch in diameter. It was fun and I have never laughed that hard. It was really funny seeing my grandma get in on the action for a while too. lol. Eventually everybody got tired and went their separate ways.

One day while J and I were skipping the last couple periods of high school we decided to go to my house and go fishing. Before I go on let me just explain that I am more of a man than he will ever be; I had to show him how to bait a hook and take a fish off. Anywho, so I gathered up some poles and put it in the back of the truck and decided to do a little mudding before we went back to the lake. It was fun...until I got stuck 300 feet away from the lake. While J freaked out about what we were going to do, I went and got the boards out of the back of the truck and got us unstuck. I am a pro at this now. We left the truck and went fishing in my sweet rowboat. I put all the stuff in and then J got in and I had to push us out and my foot got stuck in the mud. So, one foot was in the boat while the other was stuck in the mud. It hurt, legs are not supposed to bend that way. Eventually I pulled out my foot and got in the boat and continued with fishing, muddy foot and all.

Most parties become official when there is a bonfire. Somehow the burning of brush helps celebrate anything from graduations to the New Year. My dad and his brother even have competitions to see who can have the biggest pile. Haha. I think my uncle won this year because you could see the flames from the end of the driveway.

According to pop culture a person is considered a hick if they ride tractors, have graveyards of cars in their yards, or have massive collections of shit out front. Man its like they are talking about my family!

At my house, we have several broken down tractors, trucks, and cars by our house. I could take a picture and the caption could be "you know your a redneck if". Although our lawn has car graveyards and piles of construction stuff, it is big enough where it looks better than it sounds.

Actually, "the farm" would be much more fitting for the caption. The farm is my great grandparents house, which is now owned by my grandma. When you first go in the driveway, you will be greeted by cows on the right, an old house and a two story tree fort on the right, further to the right is the new house, and straight ahead are the "junk barns" with collections of old tires out front. Don't worry though, there is also random junk spread in the field with the cows. LOL.

Oh but the memories that come from all this junk!

Some of the fondest memories I have are of this place. Here I fed baby calves, chased cows by foot and on a three wheeler, got chased by a bull, made tree forts, and had old tractor races. Also, the barns were where I did a lot of my shopping as a kid. My grandpa would go to auctions, yard sales, and so on. Each time he would bring back truck loads of stuff and put them in the barns. After he would bring a load home my cousins and I would "go shopping". I laugh at this now but it was an adventure when I was little. If my friends knew all of these details I am pretty sure I would get made fun of for being such a hick. Haha.

Before I moved to Milwaukee I was a plaid shirt and ill-fitted jeans kind of girl. I even created "trucker Tuesday" as an excuse to "scrub it" and not shower and wear a plaid shirt. Also, I never did anything to my hair. Shocking considering these day it changes every week. I was a tom-boy in some sorts. Now I always have to have an outfit in order to go on with my day. I can't go without jewelry. I get depressed if I can't go to Target one a week. I wear skirts and dresses. I have more purses than I count and I have to match them to my outfit. I also can't go a day without lip gloss and mascara. Even though I am more of a girly girl than before somehow I remain low maintenance because of my raising. If I can't straighten my hair in the morning, it isn't the end of the world. I still love doing all of my "country" activities and I am going to miss them now that I will be permanently living in Milwaukee.

You, Me and The Bourgeoisie-The Submarines

I took airborne today and now I am a happy little wallaby who got to go to the museum.

Fourth Drink Instinct-Cute is What we Aim For

Today. Oh boy.
I am so exhausted mentally, physically, and emotionally. I am sick, so it is the catalyst that is making things seem so much worse.

Here is what is on my mind:

My MRI-came back normal but I found out I have been under intense stress (I scored 32 out of 45 pts on the stress test...not good for this kind of test lol)

Health-I am constantly sick for no reason at all. Plus I don't have insurance to pay for my 200 dollar perscription.

Family- N and S are fighting and S has divorce papers. This freaks me out. I don't want to loose S as a friend and I am praying they can work things out. My 3y/o niece H is even noticing the tension because she reports about how mommy and daady are fighting so she has to stay in her room. It breaks my heart.

School-I have a full credit load that I thought I could handle, I am thinking about changing my opinion on this.

Finances-I am pretty sure I have a probem with my front tire (...again) and I can't afford it because my tuition payment is due tommorow. Also all my loans are getting declined, so I am thinking I will have to pay completely out of pocket. My hours at LB are cut so I am barely making by so my credit cards are getting a little out of control.

Friends-7 months later and I still am completely hurt by E's actions. I feel so broken but am afraid to show it.

Writing-It sucks. I have not written anything I have been proud of in a long time. Recently I turned in some very heavy memoirs for a class and I have been worried about getting the feedback.

Fitness-Almost everyday I have been working out and I still have not lost weight. I am gaining weight instead. Although, my clothes are fitting differently so shit must be moving around.

Other than that life has been good. I have two besties that I am greatful for. L and K pretty much help me overcome these issues and gain confidence in myself.

Tonight K texted me and told me to come over and hang out. I figured I really need to get out of the dorms for a while so it would be a good plan. Plus I have not seen K in a while and we needed to catch up. So, I brought all the stuff for cupcakes and made them while we talked. Oh the power of chocolate and good company. It was fun to be the cupcake fairy.

Mamma Mia

I love my mom. She is so funny without even trying.

Her new thing is starting off our conversations with whatever my facebook status has been.
ex) "Hi honey so why do you feel you are a member of the 'mega bots'" or "why are boys stupid, what happened with...."

Was it really a good idea to make her a facebook? Lol.

Not only does she bring up my status, but also other random questions about how to do things. She was so excited when she figured out how to write on my wall but then had to call me to make sure I got her message. Then I had to walk her through how to write on other people's walls.

It is so funny how she is so knowledgable about other things, but facebook is like a rubiks cube.

Now I have to check both my facebook and hers.

Oh mom. You make me laugh.

Du DU dUdE.

Seriously.
I hate being confused. I don't like not knowing what people are thinking. If you feel something, tell me. Don't lead me on. Just say "I am not that into you" and I will be like "...ok cool ttyl".

It is that simple.

Obviously things are all sorts of different because I have no idea what is going on with you. We used to talk all the time. OK so you are busy but um...so am I. I am good at that busy thing everybody is talking about. Its not like I am asking you to move stone henge.

I say random things to get something out of you, maybe even a little german, but in 20 days you respond with another question. Really? Is that clarification? Bah!

I am not like angry or anything. Just kind of like "the rock" with the one eyebrow thing. Ya dig.
There crazy blog about you. Happy? And it wasnt bad. :)

Independance

I am a fairly independant person. I always have been. People generally come to me for help because usually I either have a solution or can figure something out. I am not being cocky, I just have street smarts. No big.

So the past couple months I have had some car issues. While most people would consult another person to find a solution, I just kind of handled it on my own. So now I know more about my car than I ever thought I would.

So tonight I had to help a friend out, which was no big deal. I am always happy to help. It just made me think about how I wish someone would help me out every once in a while. I secretly like being able to pout in order to get things done, but, I feel bad because I know I am fully capable of completing the task. So I am just wishing someone would take over and be like "you are going to hurt yourself..calm down and step aside..". I would be stubborn then eventually listen and be thankful.

Does this make sense?

My valentines day

On valentine's day while most people were being all lovey dovey and gross, I was busy being a bag lady.

I woke up at about 5 and cleaned my room and prepared all of my bags. First bag was

lots-o-garbage. I am still shocked by the garbage I produce in a couple days. My carbon footprint scares the hell out of me.

Anywho, my second bag was my ginormous purple nanny bag full of suprises to keep the kids entertained. It works really well. I usually have some random snack, that they never get to eat, to use as a bribe. I also had a bunch of movies and books...yada yada yada.

Although I was ornry from being up so early I still managed. I made breakfast, we played house, went on a walk, made a snowman, and ended with legos. It was a good day, although, Skyler started being a little bag-o naughty.

At the end of nannying, I always talk with Linda about our days. It was interesting because I was coaching her, a 30+ yr old woman with her own buisness and 3 kids, about how to properly dicipline her kids. I even found myself explaining the reasoning behind their behavior. I was kind of shocked because me, the 20 yr old with no kids of my own, was passing on parenting advice. It helped reassure me that, 5 years down the line when I decide to have kids of my own, I will be a good parent because of all my life experiance.

Ok to the next bag. It was 4 pm and I was off to the gym. I got lost in my workout and didn't even realize it was 5:50, I had to work at six. So, I quick showered and ran to work.

Bag four: Sales associate. I quick changed into work clothes and punched in. Oh my, it was a busy, crazy night. I don't think I even had time to check the clock to see what time it was. Oh and towards the end I got a wonderful phone call. This person was like

"hi I will be coming into your store later tonight"

"ok, was there something I could help you find?"

"what are you wearing?"

"uh....excuse me"

"I am so hard right now. I am going to masturbate in your clothing later"

I paniked and hung up. Really sir? Really?!?!?!? Do you have nothing better to do than prank call my store. Really?!?!

Then he called back half an hour later.

"hey baby I was hoping it was you..."

"no no sir. If you really want to masturbate into clothing you can go down to the goodwill, they are used to sick perv like you..."

I was so pissed. Really? Really?!?

I was so angry at the customers that night, being all in loooove. *PUKE* Whatever.

Ok so I am a tiny bit bitter about the day, but its funny.

Now it is bedtime. I have been active from 5 to...erm...midnight. Sick.

Really Valentine's day really?
So basically the holiday is centered around people in "love".

Lame.

I want to be reminded on a more random day of how great I am....so much better than jumpin off everbody else's love cliff.


Oh and sure I still secretly get excited when I am asked to be someones valentine...but whatever. Ugh. I am just bitter because its like noahs ark up in here...I am just the retarded wallaby that nobody wants to be with. I dont see why not wallabys are cute.

J-n-J

J and J got engaged and all I can think is...dude she was a good friend in h.s and he was a crush. Weirded out.

LOL

Of course when she told me she had news I was like "you better not be pregnant or engaged". I am a bad friend. lol

Awkward

Last school year I used to meet and talk with two of the faculty here at "el burno". I would randomly hop in (yes really) and show off some sweet new dance move or something equally awesome. Then I moved into a different dorm and rarely found myself socializing in the other hall. Occasionally I would pass one or the other in the hall and we woud chat but they noticed I was different. Apparently I was less energetic and seemed more distant from the world.

With concern, P decided to "book" time so we could catch up and talk about life after spring 2008. Really P? You know how much shit has gone down since then?

So we talked. We talked about school and how bad I have doing then she decided it would be fun to breakdown why. Oh boy. She asked me, "has anything significant happened over the summer?" Other than losing my two best friends and social life (with my increased amount of working)? Nope nothing big.

I had thought I was over E and I not talking but I was way off. Instead, I akwardly sobbed for 15 minutes before I could pull myself together to say "I don't understand how a persosn I called my best friend, could cut me out of her life with no explanation."

I am scared...stop telling me I shouldn't be..it's not helping

So I always thought I was over reacting about my bouts of illness. Until it started happening everyday.

Everyday I have a migraine. Now it is like they have just become a part of me. I smile through the pain, dizziness, and nausea but its getting difficult now that I have been vomiting on a daily basis and have no strength afterwards.

I have been going to the doctor with these symptoms for a couple years now and have had almost every test under the sun. Within the last 6 months I started noticing my vision has been decreasing, mostly in my left eye where strangely enough my migraines are centralized. When I told this to my doctor she freaked out. She recommended that I have an MRI. That scared the shit out of me. Not only because I am claustrophobic but also because it seemed like a dramatic jump. So instead of going through with it I decided to be a Guinea pig and try different medications; all of which have not worked. Now out of desperation to feel better, I decided to get an MRI. This morning the scheduling went through and I have one booked for Friday after my class. I am scared shitless.

Whenever I share this fear, people are like its no big deal I had one done. Well ya know what? I am not you and I am scared and need someone to hold my effing hand! OK?

Good start to my week.

Good old cell phone

I have a real dependency on my cell phone. It is ridiculous.

Last December, I had a week from hell. It started with a bad day at work. When I finally got to go home, a couple hours later than expected, I went out to wipe off the 5 inches of snow off my car. As I was finishing up by scraping off the layer of ice, I broke my windshield wiper. I was lifting it up to clear the ice from underneath when I slipped and broke the wiper as I fell. So in addition to breaking my wiper, I felt like I broke my hip, but only bruised it. To make matters worse, that had to be the day I wore a skirt to work. After an hour of wiping of my car I finally got to leave the parking lot. Sounds easy enough, except, that was the night we got a huge snowstorm. Perfect. So I took the back roads all the way home going 10 mph because I couldn't see out of my windshield...because the I broke the stupid wiper off. When I finally got back, I went looking for my phone so I could find someone who could help me with my wiper problem. However, I couldn't find my phone. I tore apart my room. I emptied every drawer, moved furniture, dumped out all of the random bags, and even went through my garbage. I found nothing but a pair of undies and a lip gloss I thought I lost.
This is the point when I panicked.
I had ransacked my room, tore apart my car, searched the parking lots and stores of all the places I went to that day, called security at the mall I worked at, as well as at my school, and even looked in snow banks.

It was gone.
Perfect.

I was so frustrated with myself that the whole time I was searching I was sobbing.
My phone had everything in it. I had all my contacts, pictures of my newborn niece, work schedules, appointments, and even stupid passwords. I would have called my parents except we all got new phone numbers a couple months back and I had no idea what theirs were. Most people could have driven home or something, but I am 8 hrs away from them. It was frustrating.

A couple of days went by and more bad things kept coming my way. I won't go into the details but I was pushed to my limit. I went and bought a whole new phone at full price then left for home. I couldn't handle staying in Milwaukee. I needed to get away to clear my head. So, I drove the 8 hours home getting my wipers fixed along the way.

I could say more about the continuation of my shitty week even as I was driving home (snow storm, wipers breaking completely, overdrafting, getting stood up by three guys plus getting dressed up and stood up by "friends", and so on...) but it isnt even important at this time.

So, back to my phone. After the week ended things got better and I accepted that I just had to roll with it. Then my brand new phone started working like a P.O.S. Eventually I upgraded to a completely different phone that I love. So in total, I spent 300+ dollars on getting a new working phone. It was hard to hand over the credit car knowing all the other bills I had to pay that month, but I needed a phone.

So flash forward to today, a little more than two months later.

J and I decided to go on a walk by the lakefront. As we walked we vented back and forth for a couple of hours about the stress of our lives. Eventually, we had to continue on with our lives and go back to civilization. As she was getting out of my car, she kept staring at the floor with a puzzled look. Then reached under the seat.

Guess what she pulled out?

My 3 month old cell phone that I lost back in December!
I was so pissed at myself. I swear I looked there! It sounds pathetic but I was so livid that I was shaking because of everything I had gone through because of the damn thing.
Pathetic.
All this time it had been driving around with me when I thought it was in a far away land. I could have saved some serious cash if I would have looked better. Oh and the best part is that I got a lecture from the 'rents about the whole thing. It was a half hour long lecture telling me I need to me more responsible and less carefree....yada yada yada. Yeah fuck my life.

I am over it now. Shit happens.
At least I have a phone I love now! :D

Nicknames

As most stories start, S and I were sleep deprived one night and started talking about nicknames. I couldn't believe how many I have gotten throughout the years.

I think I have more nicknames than anyone. LOL

Brookums
Brookstar
Brookie
Brookling
Creek
Brooksical
Arnold
Princess Squash
B-ro
Buddo
Berb
Peaches
Peach tree
Butterfly
"her"
...and those are just from within the past five years. Hmm I wonder what my list will be 20 years from now.

Tequila Mockingbird.

About a month ago I had an akward moment with a boy named A. At first I was like whatever it was no big deal. He was drunk, I wasn't even close.

Now I am realizing it affected me more than I thought. Occasionally I will see people who have similar features to him and it gives me flashbacks to the night.

-->bringing me into a bedroom to "talk", awkward staring, hand up my shirt, pulling me down, telling me to drink more.

I just got up and was like I can't do this. I am not that girl.
So I left.

I told my brother, and he prevented him from getting within ten feet of me. lol

It still bothers me though.
Why?
Why did he have to be a douche? Why is this affecting me?

Ok so I still am bothered by the whole D trying to take off my pants on the steps thing but...Grrr! Ah! So I just realized the common denominator is tequila! I have gotten better since the whole D thing though. Man I am just glad that I wasn't wasted when the whole A thing happened. Shit. That could have been worse.

It over. I am fine...must...move...on.

Boobs can't live with them can't live without them

So far today I have changed my outfit 4 times. I have a closet full of cothes but I can still find nothing to wear! Why is that? So, instead of calling in sick to work for lack of attractive clothing, I chose to wear all black. I feel like a widower. I guess I am mourning the fact that I have lost my ability to work with what I have.

Its comical that my room is full of color but my wardrobe lacks it. My bras and undies, lounge clothes, sheets, towels and so on, are all really bold and bright. Weird.

Oh, so I am so pissed that I went down a pant size but up a cup size! OK so some people would celebrate that but when you are a triple D its scary thinking that you can fit in your bra. I don't want to be that girl with the freakishly large breasts. LOL. So I guess thats why sports bras cant even keep the damn things strapped in. When I run I have to hold them down so they dont hit anyone. Oh geez. The life I live eh?