Money really does make the world go round.

Monday I had talked to T about a shift change. I explained how R was covering my shift this week so I could take an equivalent shift of her's next week. It was easy enough, but not really. T got really confused and started to explain that we had not yet met a credit goal, so some adjustments had to be made with the schedule.

As he continues to explain, I find out that basically I will not be getting many hours because I am not meeting my credit goals. I was livid. Instead of pissing and moaning and throwing a mannequin, I calmly explained my reasoning for hesitating with credit.

Basically I don't feel comfortable pushing a credit card on someone when I know the financial burden can cause. Trust me, I know from personal experience. By the end of our conversation I was upset. I love my job and don't want to have to quit but, I may have to if I can't get enough hours.

The last ten minutes of my shift I was pissed and fought back angry tears. When the clock struck 2, I stormed out tears running down my cheeks. I was so frustrated. I thought I had found such a great job only to not get the hours needed to pay my bills.

I sat in my car bawling. All I could think about is "How am I going to pay the 750 for tuition this month?" .
Money.Money.Money.
There never is enough.
It really bothers me how everything is going well in my life except for the finances. I am broke and in serious debt because of my school. As I think back to all of the times I have cried in the past month, I realize the have been because of financial situations. I am over crying all of the drama from people, now I am stuck on the Benjamin's.

Once again I am back to my original plan. I start setting up for me to move back to MN. There I would have a place to live and there would be plenty of job options. I would have to drop out of school and start paying interest on my loans but at least I would have some place to live.

While all of this financial burden is on my mind I have to go to school and balance the 18 credits I signed up for. Hello shit storm party of one.

So I may not have been in the best mood for the past couple weeks because of all of this. I am only human my smile fades as I get overwhelmed.

Last night before I went to bed, as I do best, I made up a list of employment options as well as thing I had to get done. When I fell asleep I was prepared, and looking forward to, having the day to get financially organized. Instead I get a phone call at 9 asking if I could work.

Even though I didn't really want to go in, I had to get paid. I needed the hours. So I go in and get an awesome greeting/ scowl from C "Why are YOU here? You don't work". Oh thank you C for the usually cheery attitude.

Fortunately I was in a good mood. I was perfectly content even though I was stuck organizing the whole Cacique section plus running till. I have all the quads done when T comes over and gives me that look. It was that we need to talk. In my head I kept thinking "shit, shit, shit! He is going to fire me. I did something wrong.".

Instead he started by explaining that he noticed I was upset as I was leaving work on Monday and wanted to apologize for any confusion. It wasn't what I had expected at all. I explained my situation and, he made my day.

I told T that I understand it is part of my job to sell credit and since I didnt feel comfortable doing so I would understand if I needed to put in my two weeks. This is when he suprised me. "NO. No.no. I don't want to lose you. You sell the product and present yourself in a very professional manner and I would be able to overlook the credit if you woud stay". I was so relieved. It also didnt hurt that in his speech he flooded me with complements about my work.

I didn't show it, but i was doing a happy dance inside.

Although I am still in...oh about 100,000 dollars in debt, I am glad that I have a job I love to help me lower that number.

I am a workaholic. I love working and being busy. If you don't believe me look at my W-2's! Tonight I started filing my taxes with the W-2s I have and couldn't believe how many jobs I have had in 2008. I am getting 5 W-2s back but have only recieved three which only brought in under 3,000 dollars. Funny thing is those were side jobs and the rest of my source of income will be found on the last two. Well, at least thats what is filed. I have so many random side jobs that it is hard to keep track.

Just for fun, and because I love making lists lets review my jobs for 2008:
Rwemp-C-Store Clerk
Media Hub-Student Worker
TLC Home Healthcare- Personal Care Attendant
Country Critters Daycare-Child Wrangler/Houskeeping
Lane Bryant-holiday sales associate (now part time sales :) )
--now off the books
Nanny-Chased after three wild kids
Occasional Babysitter (for two family friends)
Construction Work- painted, ripped out carpet, stained boards, took out windows, ect
Houskeeper- Cleaned 3 people's houses
Cabin Care-Cleaned cabins and washed windows for a friends buisness
Yard Work/Landscaping- Raked, Mowed, moved mountains, ect (I still have not gotten paid)
Overnight Team Leader- Showed off school to prospective students

In addition to all of these I also volunteered countless hours of my time to school groups I was in and helping family and friends with their projects. Oh yeah and I am a full time student.

I am sorry what did you call me earlier? A slacker? Ha ha yeah from first glance

Hi, my name is Brooke and I have an addiction to buying sexy clothes.

In the past couple weeks we have been getting in some really cute lingere at work. I really want these three things but I don't know if I want to buy them for myself. I guess it's not fun when you have nobody to show it to. I mean, ok, I show my friends but its not the same. lol. They just say its cute and to put my pants back on.

I have the first bra and can't stop looking at my boobs in the mirror when I wear it. It is amazing.

I must look like a real slob on a normal day! Today I dressed up for work then quick ran over to the commons and everyone stopped me to tell me how good I look. Thanks guys! I will try and put on make-up and a skirt more often. Oh ahhaha then when i went to get my food from the hot bar Steve instead of saying hello was like "whoa girl! Who's the lucky man?" Me, like the smart ass I am, responded with, " Ben Frankin...I work hard for my money". Lol.

I am in a really good mood today. Maybe its that I looked in the mirror and smiled, or the fact that I finally have moved on. Yay. Today is like a major self-love day today! I love myself and I am proud that I have been able to keep my legs closed for 20 years and not give my heart away to every guy who says he likes me. HAHA.

Ok crazy lady's gots to go to work. Peace out mountain goat.

25 randar things about me

1. 
   I write everyday. Anything and everything.
2. 
   I smile and laugh a lot. I look forward to my laugh lines.
3. 
   Although I have three chairs, plus a bed, in my room I still sit on the floor, windowsill, sink, or my desk.
4. 
   I hate pants. The first thing I do when I get to my dorm is take them off.
5. 
   I like to eat my oatmeal cold.
6. 
   When I can’t sleep I fantasize.
7. 
   I cried and pouted when my parents told me the car they were getting me. I wanted a truck and thought my car was ugly. Now I love Flo and think that she is a beautiful racing machine.
8. 
   I waste so many post its. I keep them everywhere just in case I need one.
9. 
   Ever since I got my nipples pierced my boobs have been insensitive. People poke them and it’s the same feeling as if they poked my arm.
10. 
    Spiderman is hanging in my closet.
11. 
    I have more Hello Kitty appliances than one person should.
12. 
    I get weird cravings like a pregnant person. Right now I really want a pickle wrapped in salami.
13. 
    I am a hopeless romantic. I always root for couple to just make out already.
14. 
    It absolutely drives me nuts when the bottoms of my pants get wet.
15. 
    Hockey fights turn me on.
16. 
    When I am having a bad day at home, I go and lie by Chloe and everything goes away.
17. 
    My dad is, and always will be the most important man in my life. I love him with all my heart.
18. 
    I scrunch my nose and close my eyes when I think about embarrassing things.
19. 
    I have never broken a bone. However, I accidentally injure myself more than most people.
20. 
    I name inanimate things I own so that I don’t hurt them.
21. 
    I have a girl crush on Kate Beckensale.
22. 
    After I graduate I want to do mission work in an under privileged country for a while.
23. 
    Several times throughout the day things people say remind me of lyrics to songs.
24. 
    Sitting still is a sign that I am either really sick or dead. An appendage of some sort has to always be moving.
25. 
    The phrase TMI was invented for me. I share too much and often find myself in uncomfortable situations.
    

Worth more than that...

Cry: To sob or shed tears because of grief, sorrow, or pain; weep.


Crying is a simple human emotion that we all are capable of. Although some may not admit it, it feels good. Once the endorphins are released, you feel as if a weight were lifted off of your shoulders. When you have the worst day ever crying can help you move on. Now imagine having that ability taken away.

Welcome to my life. I have depression.

Ever since I was diagnosed in seventh grade, I have been dealing with the severe highs and lows in my day-to-day life because of it. During the time between then and now I have gotten used to being able to cry and move on during the low times. I was able to deal with my depression that way until I started college and had my first breakdown. I was so depressed and frustrated that I needed help. I started taking antidepressants which helped me a lot. Finally my emotions were regulated, and I stopped feeling so overwhelmed. After I had been medicated for a couple of months I realized what the worst side effects were.
I no longer had the ability to cry. Instead, I found myself with two emotions; happy and blank. Inside I may be screaming but you would never know because I don’t express it; instead I just stare blankly at the outside world.
After a while I was frustrated because I couldn’t vent my frustrations, so, I stopped taking my pills. Now I was able to cry but found myself in more pain than before. I would have stomach pain, feel dizzy, get migraines, and vomit. I was going through withdrawals, so, I went back on them. I went back to my two emotions.
Eventually, life would happen and I would end up in the midst of a shit storm. During this time I would want nothing more than to cry in order to release the emotions. No such luck. I didn’t want to go off of my pills again so I needed to find another outlet for emotion. This is when I came up with a bad habit. Are you ready for it?
I started cutting myself.
I was pretty secretive about it so nobody ever found out. Instead, whenever I was frustrated and needed to release emotions, I would sneak away and cut. In the beginning I used the same thing to make the cuts, but then I “needed” to do it at places other than my house. So I got creative.
Thinking back, my lowest point was when I was pissed off at work. I snuck away using the excuse to use the bathroom. I remember sitting on the floor and cutting into my skin with the box cutter that was “just another part of my uniform”. My leg would be bleeding and I would just fix my clothes and come out of the bathroom as I could feel the blood dripping down my leg.
Once again, this was a low point.
At first I only did it a couple times a year. At least until I hit a serious bump in the road.
I got the news that my grandpa had died. I fell apart.
During this time I cried more than I ever have. I spent the whole day inside my room sobbing, unable to stop. I was frustrated and decided to treat pain with more pain. While my roommate was gone I would cut tracks up and down. It went on for a couple weeks. My legs were scarred. I was scarred. Running out of places I decided to cut my wrist. Instead of doing the normal lines I cut a star hoping it would scar over and eventually fade away.
No such luck.
Like the memories of these days, the scar never did fade away. Instead each day I have to wake up and see the star scar. As morbid as it sounds I am glad I put it there. If I didn’t I don’t think I ever would have healed.
As I started to feel happier, I started realizing that I didn’t deserve to constantly be hurt like this. There are better ways to express emotions. As the days went on I started to immerse myself in music. Everyday I would hunt for new bands and feel relieved when certain songs came out of the speakers. They had gone through similar things and found the strength to move on.
So could I.
Music became my new medicine. Each day I took a healthy dose and escaped reality for a moment while I paged through playlists. Eventually my scars healed and so did I. Now instead of escaping to cut myself I escape and listen to my iPod. It is the best therapy. I am thankful for music and all the great things it brings to my life.

Just an ordinary day...

Today was an ordinary weekend.
I got up, pissed that I had to be up early. With sleep still in my eyes I stood in front of the mirror. As I opened and closed my eyes several times, I wondered to myself if I could get away with showering. I found the answer quick when I lifted up my arm to grab my toothbrush. I scuttled off to the showers, kicking my soap along the way. When I stepped in the shower I couldn’t help but stand and let the water warm me up from the arctic temperatures of my room. It felt so good to stand in one place and let the beads of water fall down my skin and drench my hair. I escaped into the serenity of the drops on the plastic floor. I quickly snap back to reality as a toilet flushes.

As I continue showering I make a list of things to get done today:
::..Play rent-a-mommy, meet the girls for sushi, finish moving, unpack, do laundry, clean, track down W-2s, look for plane tickets, get books for improve, make a handful of phone calls, work out, and attempt to do my homework.
Once again I have put to many things on my list; I know I won’t get all of it done. I sure love lists but sometimes I put more on them than humanly possible. Oh well. There are two days making up a weekend for a reason.

::..I hate being a fucking woman..::

I have hormone surges like a mother fucker! I can tell when Aunt Flo is coming because I get grumpy and horny like no tomorrow. All I have been able to think about is having rough sex with some random stranger. If only there weren’t all kinds of risks attached to that.
--->So today as I was waiting at a stoplight. I looked to my right. There was my dream car sitting right beside me.
I grin from ear to ear and bite my lip
-->A beautiful, lifted, dodge ram 1500 (what can I say..I am a small town girl)

--SEX--
Right there in the bed of the truck. (OK so it’s a little cold at the moment) That would be so hot though, to have the spur of the moment, no strings attached sex. I don’t know why but it has always been my fantasy to fuck in the back of a truck. I guess the whole being connected to nature thing gets to me. At this point I am past fantasizing about the gleaming hub caps and thumping bass. Now my mind goes to a naughty place. Maybe it’s the smell of sex from my air freshener or the sexy sounds coming from my speakers.

In the last three years I have written 94 blogs and notebooks of journals.
Wow.
Writing really is my therapy.
I have been browsing through and there have been some extreme highs and lows. Some that I forgot about. I guess this shows how I am growing.

Truth be told..

2:50 a.m. I am sitting in my freezing kitchen with my head in my hands.
Thinking. Analyzing. Wondering.

Why is it that I have so many broken friendships? Is it me? Or “them”?

Recent events have opened my eyes to the cause. It is me. I have this problem where I put friends through tests. I say stupid “fibs” in order to see how they react, and wait for them to leave. It’s my defense mechanism to make them jump through hoops to see if they are really my friend. It may sound silly and childish, but it’s my subconscious trying to prevent my heart from actually loving anyone or anything.
Not many people know this, but I am afraid of love. I don’t want to be too attached because then it hurts even more when I lose them. If I test people, like I am, I prevent them from loving me for who I really am. When I dig even deeper I realize that I am afraid of love…because I don’t think I am lovable. If you don’t love yourself, how can you be capable of loving anybody else? I know this is so messed up and I need to start being more trusting. Like I always say…I am truly a work in progress.

These past couple months have been really rough for me with extreme highs and lows. I am so thankful for my two best friends sticking by my side and keeping me grounded. I also am thankful to have parents as forgiving as mine. I mess up A LOT and they always help me out even when I may not want them to. I may not know what I want to do with my life, or where I want to be, but I know who I want by my side.

Although I have a tough exterior, I still bruise easily.

It was you I was thinking of...

Currently I am listening to the best playlist courtesy of my GENIUS option on my iPOD.

I realize I constantly am writing about how I connect with music, but, I can't help it! Music is my pulse, it keeps me going day to day.

These past couple months I have been going through a really rough patch. I don't know what I want to do or where I want to be. My friends and family are probably going insane with my mood swings and constant changes to my "life plan", but I am indecisive.

I feel like I am made of fail.

Today as I was browsing through my journal there were pages from the last couple months all with the same denominater; I move forward three steps only to be knocked back 8. Although I continuesly wrote this, I have a hard time believing it these days. Even with all of my problems, they really don't add up to much in the bigger picture.

I am young; the best is yet to come.

Poor Florence

Isn't it funny how timing can effect the severety of an occurance. If you could go back in time two seconds and interfere there would be a whole different outcome.

I am not the kind of woman lto ive in regret but instead I wonder "what if". What if I decided to live here instead of there? Would I still find myself dealing with the same issue or is my location a catalyst? What if I had gotten home at midnight like I was supposed to? Would I have been injured along with my car?

Last night my car got broken into. I now have a huge hole through my back winshield. When I realized what had happened I didn't freak out. Instead, I called the police and reported criminal damage to personal property. I spent the whole night dealing with the aftermath of this act. Now, the next morning, it is finally starting to bother me.

In about an hour I leave for a much needed break of scenery. Although I am trying to stay positive I still am bothered and filled with concern about my car. I realize that things could be worse but I would much rather get it fixed now rather than waiting until I get back in a week.

Most people would freak out about something like this but I am oddly calm and stable just filled with questions.