*Sigh* Matters of the Heart

I think the worst feeling is when you put more into a relationship than the other person. It doesnt matter if it is a freindhip or more it still has the same pain.

It hurts to get rejected with out any real explanation. I assume it is simply because the other person lost interest but it would be nice if they had the balls to say something instead f being ignored.

Random Blog...again

Ok so I am going crazy with random thoughts in my head.
It is currently a quarter to three a.m and I have to be up in a couple hours but I am wired...so I now write out some thoughts...


I just finished my first official lesson plan...all by myself...no partner...this is a big deal for me. I am super proud. I have a fun and interactive lesson on money for my third graders.

Tonight...scratch that last night...I went to see Frank Warren, the creator of Post Secrets, at Marquette. It was so interesting to hear so many secrets that I relate to...funny and sad. Two secrets I can share...that will make people laugh is...when I was younger I would collect the (clean) sanitary bags in the womens stalls from the bathrooms because they had flowers on them...then my mom had to explain how it was inapropriate to take those. Another is that ever since I started attending an all girl's school I have never been more sexualy frustrated. So yeah...I plan on writing a big secret that I want to say but I can't right now. As a reader I suggest that you also share a secret...it'll be fun.

Why is security so upity? Or creepy? Can Alverno not have normal security gaurds who dont check you out.

I am so ready for summer. It doesnt feel like I will be riding home next weekend but maybe it's because I don't know what I am going to be doing for the summer months.

I look really good right now...I would just like to point that out since normally after I have put so much work into something I look like a crazy person with hair going in every direction and my makeup is all smeared....but no no..I got this sexy librarian thing going on for me.

I love music. It is a fabulous feeling when you find the perfect song to fit the moment and you walk away with a feeling of satisfaction.

I miss my lil viking! I think I will have to go home just so we can have our camping trip again for our b-days. It has been too long! Oy!

I wish my stupid brother woud call me. I miss when he would actually harass me about my life and ask about my boy situation then would get a little upset that I went to another "brother-esque" person. Goooood the punk. We used to have good times..stupid 2,000 miles of seperation.

Why is it that 2 weeks is that magical number where boys just get all weird and stop calling?

I wish my cold would go away so I could breathe without being wheezy.

My mom makes me laugh because I see similarities in her and her mother in law whom she strongly dislikes...but I still love my momma!

It really hurts looking in the past sometimes. I don't want to go back to the times that were painful but it has been essential for moving on.

My hair is getting long. I was deleting a bunch of pics off my computer (only about 237 lol) and my hair is so long now...compared to this summer. My hair looked so gross back then. Why did people tell me I looked good? lol

I have this weird craving to dance around in the rain to Smother Me by The Used...I don't know why.

I have a weird thing about rain..one time I laid on the roof while it was raining and slipped on my bathroom floor at 2 in the a.m as I was climbing back in...only to find a very pissed of mother looking at me with the...what the fuck are you trying to kill yourself...kinda look

I am tempted to pack but I don't know if my emotions can hande it. For some reason packing has an emotional tie...maybe cuz...I have moved every 5 yrs. I am not ready to accept that the dynamics of my friendships are going to change now.

I had a messed up dream the other night. I need to get it analyzed because it is not normal to have these kinds of dreams...lol

Ok I am getting dizzy.

Bedtime.

Wish me luck for teaching in...5 hours!

Peace

Poop in a shoe...I got no clue....except maybe to heal this cut with glue...and eat some fondue

It is really starting to scare me knowing that summer is going to be here in two weeks. I will have to work my ass of in classes and other school activities in order to be done by then. I can do it but it is hard to maintain my confidence when I am trying to juggle other things at the same time.


I have had a lot of things thrown at me in the last week that have really been difficult to balance. Some thing's I can talk about while others I have to figure out on my own.

One is what am I going to do this summer? Where am I going to stay? I have been offered a couple of nanny jobs but they didn't work with what I needed so I had to decline. Now, however, I have an ideal situation that would require me to stay in Milwaukee. It would be nice to be close to my Alverno girls but I also miss my home peeps. If I go home I have the option to work at Auntie Em's or I will try and get a job at a daycare.

I have this feeling like I wouldn't feel like it was summer if I didn't get to go home. It would be a major change not being at the lake everyday after work or stalking the Miner's house, sleeping on their couch and eating all of their food. I would miss my pupparoo, my dad's crazy antics, random fancy homemade dinners with my mom, late night rebellion with Erin, corner dancing with Gabe and Erin then diving in the bushes when cars come, photoshoots with everyone….and of course I would miss my loverly dumpster diver! Who am I going to fawn after for these long three months?

Maybe I have to let go of wanting these things and accepting that they are just fun memories from the past that I will have the chance to do once again, just not this summer. I guess I could look at me staying in Milwaukee as me growing up and accepting responsibility instead of having fun? Right? I dunno. I am so torn. I really want to be able to work a boatload to earn some money but I also want to enjoy my time off of school.

Another thing on my mind is being sick. I feel miserable and it is really hard to accomplish what I need to get done when I am being isolated by people who don't want to get sick. Lol. I am such a weird person when I am sick so it's understandable that people distance themselves. I have to do things in a certain way so that it doesn't hurt as bad which looks and sounds weird to the outsider. Man everything just hurts. I feel like such a baby. I can't sleep because my ears hurt and I have to sleep a certain way so the pressure doesnt pop out my eyeballs and when I fall asleep I wake up from coughing then cant fall back asleep because my throat hurts from coughing the wrong way. Then I realize I am hungry but, nothing looks good except for weird foods that I don't even have access to. So I eat what I have available and it doesn't agree with me so then I am back to being hungry. I feel so uncomfortable and miserable since nothing is really working to stop the pain. Damn cold. It figures I would get sick when there are only two weeks left.

Reassurance

I can do this. I always have had a good connection with people and I am generally effective with communication. Today was reassuring for any doubts that I had about teaching. I walked into the class with Jessica and immediately several students started doing their frantic…"Oh Miss Brooke! Miss Brooke!" waves. It's nice knowing that I am doing something right since the third graders look forward to me coming. At times, all of this may get overwhelming when I am trying to explain something to a group and I have students trying to talk over me. The overwhelming feeling subsides when you see that light in a student turn on when they have found connection with your help. I look forward to feeling that sense of accomplishment everyday when I see that look.

I aspire to be the teacher I rarely had. I want to set up a warm and inviting classroom that people look forward to coming into. I want to be that extra set of ears available when my students don't feel safe at home. I have had the advantage of having one teacher who went above and beyond the normal standards. For that she is who I aspire to be.

Quote of the Day

“I am surprised how in class you don’t share very often in class discussions…I am amazed at the insights you share in your papers…you find connections other students don’t”

Fairytale lesson

So, last Wednesday, I did my first lesson plan to my third graders...ALL 33 OF THEM. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. I was so nervous but the kids were eager to hear what "Miss Brooke" came up with for the day.
I started by talking about the classic examples of fairytales such as:
Rapunzel, Sleeping Beauty, Three Little Pigs and so on.
Next, I gave them the assignment to come up with their own version of a fairytale. They had to include:
antoganists,
protagonists,
and a problem these characters face and how they overcame it.
I told them they could be super creative and make up things as long as they included the above.
If they had time, they could draw pictures of their stories.

After half and hour they had to present their stories to the class.

This is the first group's story:
Once upon a time there was 3 dragons brothers. There names Ryan, Brandon, and Jaione. One day their mother kick them out because they were getting to big. There mother kick them so hard they went up to the sky and landed on a cloud. All the brothers decided to build houses. The first dragon, Ryan, built a nest made out of sticks. The second dragon, Brandon, built a nest out of mud and sticks. The third dragon, Jaione, built a nest made out of bricks. Then one day a knight came along. She decided to chop up Ryans nest. " Ahh!" Ryan yelled.

Second group:
The Adventures of Mazy Mouse and The Attack of Robber Rat
Once upon a a glorious, super hero, Mazy Mouse day, Mazy Mouse was walking on a dirt road and stuffing down some cheese! Then right at the moment she heard some cry for help. "HELLLLLPPPP!"
So then Mazy Mouse was so mad she smashed here cheese into little bites. So then she flew to the sean and saw Robber Rabbit robbing the Market. Robber Rabit was stealing cheeseballs! That made Mazy Mouse VERY angry.
Robber rabbit ran and hit Mazy with such force and got away in his robber mobile.

Group Three
Once a ponda time, in the time of R2-D2 there were three heroes named Kitty, Suds, and Dufis. They lived in a spung-chip city. One day, UFOs were killing people one by one. But the spong-chicks bang there butts in to the UFOs. The UFOs died!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (yes they used that many exclamation points) They ran away like a baby. The city lived happyly ever after. The End

Group Four:
Once upon a time two knights traveled to a dark casel to slay a firee breathinng dragon and to fight a wizerd. When thay saw them ride away. So the two knights caute the wizard and the dragen and they started a big war.

Now a couple stories I made up with the help of friends.

The Snail meets a new friend
by Brooke and Gale
Shlug shlug..lug lug…shlug shlug. The little innquizitive snail slid down a trail made of large slippery pebbles. Bam! He abruptly stopped his travels by running into a large fuzzy bumble bee in his way. "What's sliding friend?" the snail asked. However, the bumble bee stayed silent and blinked his large black eyes at the snail. This fuzzy bumble bee couldn't talk because his lips were sealed together with bubble gum. The slug felt sorrow for the poor bumble bee who couldn't talk so he gathered some saliva and smeared it on the bumble bee's lips. The bumble bee's lips quivered open but still he was unable to utter a word. "Hmm.." thought the snail, "What else is wrong with my new friend?"
The bumble bee pointed to his throat with his pollen basket, and could only gurgle indefinable words. The snail took a closer look at the bumble bee's throat and noticed there was a large jawbreaker lodged in it. "Oh no!" the slug exclaimed, "How are we going to get this out? Aha! My trustee plunger!" The snail pulled his lime green plunger out of his back slime pocket. He then sucked out the jawbreaker with his mighty green plunger. The jawbreaker went flying in to the distance. "Hallelujah!" both exclaimed! "Vous aviez épargné ma vie cher !" the bee exclaimed. The snail appeared shocked. "????" he replied in Chinese. "Holy crap I can speak Chinese! Well, maybe not." It was a sad day for both creatures knowing that they had communication barriers. However the snail got really close to the bumble bee and gave him a big hug! Both were happy and remained friends throughout time.

The Maidens
by Issa and Brooke
Once upon a time, in a far away concrete jungle, there lived two fair maidens high above the world..in room 483. They dreamt about a magical land where there were beautiful trees and bountiful amounts of men riding on white steeds coming to save them from their mass of estrogen. These were no simple men, they instead had the ability to ravage these fair maidens. It was rather awkward for the first maiden, Madilia, had long entangling bushels of blonde hair. The second maiden, Rilla, had short, kinky, unmanageable curls of an unrecognizable color, going every which way. In all reality they were quite a sight. Rather horrendous one might say. Both of them were quite the dreamers. Madilia dreamt of escaping her fate of a vampire sex slave. She got to run off in the sunset with a handsome man while Rilla had to eternally stay to please the vampires. Which she liked…in the dream. Rilla however dreamt of her possible past life where she had killed a couple people. It was a gruesome tale with screaming blood and guts. After waking from these dreams Rilla pondered how this is probably the reason she remains single. These dreams had come upon while they had passed out from typing ye old royal b.s of a paper. Unbeknownst to them these dreams were their future unraveled to them in the gift of a dream.

Empathy

Happiness is not a matter of intensity but of balance, order, rhythm and harmony." Thomas Merton
"Women need real moments of solitude and self-reflection to balance out how much of ourselves we give away."
I pride myself on being empathetic, but recently it has proved itself to be beneficial and detrimental. In the past couple weeks, I have felt as though I am diffusing; parts of me going every which way. I try to make myself obtainable with the intentions to help friends and family, however, people have been taking advantage of my availability. I take on their tasks without objections even though I may have other priorities at the time. Part of the reason is because I find gratification when I can successfully help solve a problem. When things don't work, I take it upon myself to try and fix the problem even if it is too big of a task. This has resulted in me neglecting my own needs. I feel drained.
All of this has been on my mind, so, I have been separating myself from people in order to fix what I need to in my own life. Please don't take my actions or words as signs of being pretentious when I have the sole purpose of fulfilling my own needs. I get crabby when things get in my way of doing this, which helps explain my verbal lashing out. All I really need at this point is a little time to sit and stare out my window or lay in bed reading and listening to music alone without being bombarded with questions about why I am being so lazy. (It hurts when I hear that…more than you would think.)
It just takes a couple of hours for me to calm down but I have not even been able to get that with the craziness in my life lately. I am not mad…just frustrated. Give me a second to breathe and sing at the top of my lungs and I will be back to normal in no time.

Oh Mr. Basile!

So today was a wonderful day. The sun was shining...the heat was rising..and the laughs were increasing.
It all started with a wonderful trip to Target....but what is new.
When I was there I decided to get lavender seeds, soil, and a cute pot so i could attempt to show my green thumb off to my wingmates. I was horribly unsuccesful and my finished product resulted in a laugh attack. Then depression. I discovered I am so far from having a green thumb it is instead a black thumb. Things die under my watch. I attempted to put everything together with many unsuccesfull attempts then when I thought I had correctly assembled the seeds in the pot I ran into Kellys room to show off my work and dropped it all over her floor. I tried to put all the soil back in the pot but random other things got stuck in the dirt. So now..I have a jar of dirt with Kelly's hair and oreo crumbs sitting in the window with the hope a flower sprouting.
After I sat and pout on my bed Anne and Kelly rush in laughing at my black thumb for gardening and decided that in order to cheer me up we should eat. lol.
Kelly, Anne, Lindsey and I all ended up in a car not knowing where we were going to eat... by nature Lindsey took the exit toward the Korean resteraunt only to realize that the other exits we needed were closed for construction. So wew took a scenic route. Me being the pessimistic one decides to talk about how great this is since now we get a closer look at downtown Milwaukee. Everyone else is grumbling about the traffic while I am sitting pointing at the buildings oohing and ahhing. We finally got to Seoul and got sat in our usual corner. We all got our usual..except me I decided to be adventurous and get the number 25. 15 minutes go by and everyone gets their food (rice, meat, chili sauce, lettuce, soup, water, green tea, and side dishes.) All I got was rice, soup, side dishes, and tea. I consumed my appitizer stuff while I waited for my food. I even ventured out of my safe zone and attempted to try the squid Kimchi with cucumbers. Ugh...*shudders* oh man was that sick! I felt like I was knawing on a tendon with a suction cup thrown in every once in a while. To try and wash the icky taste outta my mouth I had a sip of hot tea. The green liquid was an interesting concoqution. It tasted like they had stewed some old herbs with sweaty socks..wasnt really my thing. SO I sat and waited for my food and watched everyone chow down on theirs while I sat an lit my chopsticks on fire...then got the candle taken away.The waitress came and went while I waited for my food..it took forever. Finally half an hour later I got the beast. I didnt know what to think. I had this giant fucking bowl of soup that was about a foot in diameter. I thought I ordered dumplings and rice cakes but I guess they decided to give a hot tub with it that I could enjoy them in. This bowl so so huge. It scared me because there were unrecognizable things floating around...I think I saw a boot floating around.
So after I consumed a large portion of this pond that they called dinner...I called it quits and got the rest to go. We ventured back to Alverno as I felt the boot kicking back.
The next part of our evening Hannah, Kelly, Jess, Kristen, Anne, and I went to the Babylon Circus concert. I wasn't really sure what to expect. We got the the theater and I got sat next to a man who's girlfriend had something against me because once I said hey she decided to maul him. I swear I was waiting for this chick to piss around him to make sure her terrotory was claimed! I was getting so closterphobic..so Kelly and I moved to the end of the row instead of the freaking middle. This all happened before the show started by the way.. So this mess of foreign men come on the stage and start a frantic mess of music and get the crowd going. It was crazy thinking we were at Alverno and these men were getting the Alum and undergrads to shake their bums. Slowly some of the older people who couldnt handle the loud music left while my group of friends went up to the stage to mosh. So effing fun! I got to hop around with my girls and let go and laugh at how ridiculous we were at times! As the concert went on I fell more in love with the crazy music. It was so different from my normal scene but awesome. Slowly more people got up and danced while I got pushed toward the stage closer to the creepy couple to my left. There were these two people that were dry humping at the front of the stage and were going to town...it was sick...people kept gasping when they looked over to them.
Ok so continuing with the concert...
I fell in like with the bass player..he was this scruffy man with a 5 o'clock shadow, buzz cut, glasses, wife beater, and of course a bass guitar. OMG! I cannot count the number of times I bit my lip while looking at this pure sex...oy! I was so naughty. OH man and his smile made me melt!
SO the concert went on and I noticed this sax player getting closer and coser to me and kept glancing in my direction throughout the concert. Eventually it turned into freaking eye sex! Hard core..I was in shock because I didnt find him attractive but found it hilarious how he would look at me and thrust his hips, smile, wink..and so on...lol
Ok...so the concert ends and I really wanted to go up to the bass player and ask him to have my children but I knew it would be a bit much. lol So I didnt go over there when they were all signing autographs but I waited for the girls to get their autographs. Kelly really wanted a smoke so we waited and then headed outside and ended up smoking with the sexy band members! Even the bass player...who i found out is named Basile...came out..Oy! The sexyness! He kept smiling and I felt so giddy and stupid! I wanted to just be like..oy your hot! Kelly and I talked with a couple of the guys then went back to the guyless dorms...sadness!

:-o

I am so sick of people stealing credit for things that I do.

May it be accross the stars

I am a dreamer. Ever since I was little I have been wishing on stars hoping that the things that I want will come true. No questions asked. One day they will come if I am patient. As a child I was raised to be religious and to believe in God. However, I never really could see God so it was hard for me to believe in him. Since I couldn’t see him how could I trust that he could answer my prayers? That is when I started looking up to the stars late at night hoping that my dreams would come true because I could see them. So, I felt a symbolic connection to stars.
As I grew up I started to realize that my wishing to the stars will not get me anywhere. I began to question where exactly are my wishes going if I am asking for something from a million year old ball of gas? That is when I started growing up and slowly started seeing the bigger picture and began questioning my surroundings.
I may no longer go to the stars hoping to receive my request but every time I look up at the night sky I am reminded of my past childhood. Instead, now I use stars as a motivation tool. They are my reminder to try and reach for the best and go for what I want in life instead of having it handed to me for no reason. I feel as though working for something will bring many more benefits than simply being handed what I want. I have something to look forward to getting over time instead of being handed it.

Blood, Sweat, and Testosterone

It is funny how these three things for some reason get a rise out of me when they are combined in the form of hockey. I don’t know if it is because I am so sick of the lack of testosterone in my life or the intensity of the sport. It sure was something.
As I sit in the cold, blue, folding chair I get such a rush seeing all these aggressive men passing the puck across the ice and slamming into one another, occasionally sending pucks flying in front of my face.
I look over I see the wives and girlfriends of the players cheering their men on blowing kisses as I vomit in my mouth ( metaphorically). I couldn’t help but think about what it would be like to be that girl. Honestly, I don’t think I could do it. I couldn’t be that trophy stay-at-home wife. As I start to observe them they have some similarities. Many of them are waving their perfectly manicured fists in the air as I am shaking my short, chipped, pink nails in excitement over an almost goal. Their long highlighted blonde hair sits on their shoulders while I am totally rocking the bum- chic look with bed head curls. I keep thinking about how in high school it was such a big accomplishment to date a jock.
Sure it would be fun for a minute, but, I would rather oogle someone over their humor and wit than their body. Buff guys are fun to look at for a minute but I would rather get into an intense battle over which is a cooler dinosaur then burp and try and change the subject. I guess I am attracted more to the nerdy type, maybe because that’s how I would define myself. How else would you define someone who can be found reading a happy dino book while wearing glasses and a Spiderman shirt in a sea of Abercrombie, cosmo reading girls?
This attraction was obvious today when some friends and I were walking down the street and a bunch of guys walked by. We all commented about how sexy they were. Later, I found out I was the only one referring to the awkwardly tall chubby guy in glasses in the back of the group sporting a Spiderman t-shirt (nothing better than a love for Spiderman!). I would totally be his if he was like Napoleon Dynamite (and those giant sexy teeth! Lol) Oh man and the other day I was watching Beauty and the Geek and got all excited when one of the guys got super excited that they were going to Comic-Con. That was sexy. Maybe it’s the passion that I am attracted to? Who knows. I am a weirdo I suppose. Now if only I can find a guy like that who is attracted to tall odd girls who are super random…and drink too much coffee late at night? Haha that would be funny but I think pigs will fly before it happens.

One and Lonely

I feel like I am losing pieces of me.
I see everybody moving on to the next chapters of thier lives as I stay in the same spot.
Relationships forming..legal unions between two people..new additions to families...new homes..new pets...new paint...while I...try and find my new something or another.
As I grow up I find it getting harder and harder to move through changes in my life. I find myself becoming too comfortable in my surroundings getting used to the people and places. I need to learn to be less attatched so it is less painful when I lose something.
I am not ready to move on.
I dont want to, I want to stay in the moment.
I hate this feeling.