Kicked

The days go by slowly. I get up, get ready, go to work, read, and go back to bed. I feel like something is missing from my life. I feel an indescribable pain..it limits me from doing what I want to do.
I hate feeling this way.

*Sigh* Right when I start making progress I end up going back to where I started from. I thought I was over this whole depression thing until my brain goes into hyper mode. I start to think about everything and my relationships with all my friends. I feel really bad for losing contact but I am too hurt to try and contact them because I have this thought that there is a reason they have not called me. One thing that is eating a hole in me is the fact that I have lost the communication I once had with family. I used to be able to contact them when I had a problem but now I don’t feel like I could. Even when we are together for family functions I feel like the odd ball out. It hurts

Infamaous Dinners

Some days when I sit and think about my motivation to succeed I can't help but think it's for the wrong reasons.
Tonight I had one of the infamous Beddoe dinners at my Grandparents house and once again I felt like I was belittled and criticized for my choices. I hate how whatever I do is never good enough. This is why I now choose to
We do what we can to protect the ones we love. Sometimes we hurt more than help though.
Love and hate are two of the strongest words I know. That is why I don’t understand why they are thrown around so often in daily conversation. I have made the mistake of using these words all too often in the past so now I use them only when I truly feel that way. I use hate very sparingly.
I live for the days that I get to lie on my back on the cool grass staring up at the clouds floating by in the blue sky without a care in the world.
I feel like a housewife. Currently I am jobless so I sit at home, feed the “kids”, and cook and clean. I feel proud that I made something really good for dinner only to get a “it’s ok” as a response.
So I have had a lot of time these last couple days to sit and think about things. I figured out that I never want to be a stay at home mom. Instead I would be a desperate housewife waiting for trouble.

Reading...yes I am trying something new

So yesterday was an interesting out of the ordinary day...or was it?

Erin and I spontaniously decided to go to Duluth and get some sushi. I was so bloated from stuffing my face with chex mix during the roadie that I could barely scarf down the dissapointingly disgusting spicy tuna rolls. I really miss Kyotos! Nothing is as good!
After I waddled out into the parking lot. I had to watch my steps so I wouldnt trip and burp up all the rice consimed. Don't worry..I made it!

Next our mission was to go to the Mall and get in some serious summer shopping. We are nerdy, so can you guess where the most of our money was spent? Barnes and Noble of course! I found some really cool books too. A large part of our day was spent browsing through the somewhat endless amounts of books. I really wanted to get a bunch of books but they only had them in hardcover so they were out of my budget. I love the smell of bookstores. Something about it has a claming effect on me. Maybe that is by I always park outside of it so that my nose is filled with the aroma before and after I shop! Yep Def. a NERD!

If only I had more money then I could have gotten more than three books. I am proud of what I found though. I bought a dream analysis book, another written by Ghandi, and Prozac Nation.
Last night Prozac Nation was taunting me so I gave in and read it. I actually read! Thats right me...reading for fun! I stayed up until like 3 in the morning even though I had to be to work by ten. Oh well I can sleep later. Not only did I stay up reading the book but I spent most of this afternoon reading it. It is so alluring I just cant put it down!

SO ok. Moving on to the rest of the day...

After leaving the bookstore I aimlessly drove around Duluth then had an epiphany! I WANT PIE! So where did I end up blindingly heading towards? None other than the world famous BETTY'S PIES! LOL

I think I really needed this mini road trip because I dont think I have laughed that much in a long time. Why laughing so much you ask? Well it happens when you are asking if the road is clear and someone screams so you slam on your brakes thinking there is and oncoming car when really there is just a giant billboard for a very yummy looking burrito!
For not knowing where and the heck Betty's was we got there. I dont know if it was my belly aching for PIE...or my womans intuition..but I got my pie. I bought a whole bumbleberry pie...still have not eaten it..but its time will come.

SO after venturing towards Canada just to get some pie we headed back home. Erin dropped me off at the C-Store to get the Jeep. I told her that I was right behind her and would be leaving shortly..which apparently means 3 hours later. What can I say? I get easily distracted by my dumpster diving, extreme mopping sext co-worker. lol. SO I finally get into the Jeep after strugling for a good 10 min just to open the door. I drive away and head back to Erins only to realize that I have no freaking gas! SO after freaking out on the phone..what to do what to do!...I finally have the genius idea to turn around and go back to the store. Where I got laughed at and harassed over the intercom.

On my drive home I hake a couple calls to try and catch up with my girls only to get voicemails. When I arrive their and sit down my phone rings and I ended up talking until it died at like midnight! So crazy. I kept having to switch to my other line and tell people I am on the other line. It was weird how I didnt get one call all day but once the clock strikes 10..lol

Motherly Instinct?

I think that I am a very motherly person. I like to care for people and make them feel better.

These past few day this has really sunk in as I find pleasure in staying home cooking and cleaning and being there for my dad as my mom is out of town. I like the responsibility but I get lonely being alone all day then seeing him for an hour before he has to go to bed. Although I like being like a mother I never could stay at home all day. This past week has been too much ME time. I have been thinking about everything and I really need to get out and socialize.

Maybe this is the reason I like working long hours? That way I can hide from my problems instead of being forced to face them nd think about them all the time.

During my reflection time I realized that people often come to me for help. I find this comforting knowing that I am doing something right. I like listening to people and helping them figure out their problems. Sometimes I help sometimes I make things worse but at least I tried. Right?

My favorite thing is cooking for people. I love seeing their face when they like my concoction. I get a feeling of accomplishment. The past couple days I have gone a little overboard with the cooking. Every night I have made something for someone else. Last night I made the most amazing pork chops! They were perfect. I really wanted to frame one. I also made my dad this awesome dark chocolate and peanut butter cake for his birthday. He cant stop om nom noming it so I take that as a compliment.

I cannot believe that the end of my sophmore year of college is over with. It seems like just yesterday it was the begining of the year and I was fighting with my roomate. Now we are a state apart.



I feel like in those two short years of school I have come so far and grown so much.

I know who I want to take me home...take me home.

All my life I have been told to be the bigger person and fix the situation when needed. Why? Why can't I be a normal nineteen year old and say: "Fuck this shit" and leave? Instead things fester inside of me until I am forced to do something so my conscience is cleared. I have been hurt so many times and been left in the cold so many times that it is getting harder and harder to fight for things to be right.

I just can't handle losing two close friends in one school year. You see how badly I was hurt by the last person who pushed me away. Therefore I thought you would understand how I would feel threatened in the current situation. I don't want this to turn into anything like how the last friendship ended. I value you more than that. I see your true colors and true potential that have become clearer as we became closer.

Weirded Out

So I took a nap today. I had the strangest dream that really freaked me out. I just lied on my bed for the longest time trying to figure out what its significance was.
It started off with me pissed off at Kelly for adding someone as a top friend on myspace. I got angry and had to walk it off. I was walking around campus and ended up walking towards the Rotunda. As I walked by the sculpture, I heard gunshots coming from inside the building. People started running out of the building towards me. I just stood there staring at the doors showing no emotion.

As everyone had started to disappear I walked in the doors. I thought I was at school but it was a different building. There were really high ceilings and lots of reds, yellows, and oranges. I felt really small standing there in this large empty building. I saw a bunch of couches in front of the window and decided to sit down. I sat and stared out the huge window that took up most of the wall. All of a sudden several middle aged people started sitting beside me. After being silent one by one they started asking me questions that were inaudible. I just continued to stare out the window.

Next thing I know, Melissa and I are going through this building that is supposed to be our school. We are being led by a teacher and a couple other people. We end up in this classroom in the basement with two bunk beds at the back of the room. It reminds me of a prison room. We are informed that we are looking for the weapon used. SO we start going through the drawers and cupboards. The room seemed to have shrunk because all of a sudden I feel really claustrophobic but continue to search. I find a drawer filled with loose skittles. I reach in, and end up finding the gun. I don't want to touch it so I left it.

Then, as I am peering at the wall, someone else comes in saying "I have a surprise for you". So I walk out of the room into the hallway. A tall boy wearing a white polo is being lead in by an older woman. He was holding a white baseball hat with a bat on the front of it in his hand. For some reason he was really excited to see me and kept smiling at me. I had the feeling to distance myself. He gave me a big hug and ended up handing the hat over to me as he put his arm around my waist. As I took the hat, he leaned into me and said, "I want to get to know you, and every freckle on your body. I have this freckle in the shape of a bat and I want you to get a tattoo of it so we will be connected forever. Do you have any tattoos?" He reached for my right hand. Ashamed, I of course pulled it away but then we continued walking down the hallway. We walked in complete silence. He was happy and I was suspicious of him.

I woke up to my phone ringing and the dream was over. I can kind of see where some things come into play but other things from my dream freak me out. Man I so am never eating candy before taking a nap.

Things

Be known for some awesome accomplishment

Become an elementary teacher

Get something published

Go to Europe

Take part in a mission trip

*wink*

At least visit Maine

Learn how to surf

Raise a family

Cliff jump

Ride an actual roller coaster