Hmph

Where is my epiphany? I feel like I am waiting for that moment where something big is unveiled. The moment when I figure everything out has to be close. Right?

Jewlery Box

Its funny how something as simple as a jewelry box can be so sentimental. There are so many memories and moments shut in one floral box. As I go through them I find that, unintentionally, many have a strong sentimental meaning. As I sit sifting through my tangled mess I come across the earrings I walked up and got my diploma in. I remember the awesome feeling of being done with high school and being able to go on with the next chapter. Then there’s the necklace I made the night I found out who my best friend really was as I slipped beads on the fishing line while we laughed and talked about art class. Ugh then I came across the earrings the boy who turned out to be wrong got me. Man they are cool but filled with evil memories! Next I spy the little plastic hearts I wore when I went to Magic Kingdom for the first time. I remember waiting in line to get on Space Mountain nervous as can be, with my friends reassuring me that I would survive. Oh boy, now the summer earrings I was forced to remove in order to continue working in the stupid deli. The next one’s I can’t get myself to wear because they are from a friend who broke my heart as she left without saying goodbye. OHHH now it’s the white gold cross I wanted to be a bike on my 18th birthday. Now I am to the section that I have all of my mom’s old jewelry in. I remember watching her as a little girl getting ready for work slowly applying her make-up then spritzing the same perfume on her wrists and at her neck. Under her perfume scented jewels I find the bold broaches from the woman I never got to know, the gold hoops I was called fake in, the square hoops, I, in an effort to conform bought…but never wore, the earrings I got from my grandma the last time I saw my grandpa alive, the earrings that always spark conversations about sex with their questionable shape, the earrings I got the first time I realized I had boobs… real boobs, the earrings I wore the night I realized what I wanted to do with my life, oh and the stupid effing necklace I wore on a night that was supposed to be a wonderful moment in my high school history…but ended up being…lonely. Its weird thinking how something inanimate can spark such emotion. These are really descriptive things…remembering emotions and smells, the moment I was in.

At first I thought organizing my jewelry box was going to be proof of how much I am addicted to shopping but instead I am finding it to be an emotional experience as I tuck each memory away with the jewelry.

Bitter about the day?

So even though all day I have been telling people that I hate this over rated holiday….I love it! I am just bitter that I do not have a boy that is fawning over me. I want to be in that head over heels love where you don’t care about anything else that is going on around you. I want to know that there is a man that is out there thinking about me everyday and is willing to show how much he loves by getting me a little card on Valentines day.

Reflecting on the day however it made me think about what I love about myself.
1. I love how in the morning right when I get out of the shower and I have a towel on my head I feel incredibly sexy.
2. I love how even in a world filled with money hungry and technology driven people I can still get the most enjoyment out of running outside and jumping in puddles.
3. I love the way my eyes look right after a good cry.
4. I love how right when I think I have discovered myself….I find something that was hidden, something new to explore.
5. I love how it took me almost 20 years to realize how much my parents love me…now I never want to loose the connection we have.
6. I love how I am so many contradictions…..but it works it makes me well rounded.
7. I love how I know when to hold back and when to let loose.
8. I love that I don’t need big things to keep me happy. I have learned from a humble upbringing, to enjoy the little things like a handwritten note and a couple of funny drawings.

These little things help me realize that someone took the time to make me something.

simple assignment

It is interesting when we are taken out of an area of comfort. When I had been given a quick assignment on communication barriers I was stressed about becoming stressed about a simple assignment knowing I had a limited amount of time for something that required so much thought. This exercise actually helped me to become more confident in my work. Instead of giving up I wanted to complete the assignment the best I could. Funny to think I was worried I was a slacker.

Who

I help too much. I am like a coach constantly giving advice to the people who request it. Who is going to be my coach?

Stand Back

Today I found to be a very reflective day. I got a chance to step back and see things from a different perspective. As I was sitting at dinner it really made me think about my life. I had quite a bit of time to think as there was silence on my end of the table. I couldn’t believe how selfish and narrow minded the people I was with were. Quite frankly I didn’t like them due to their awesome ability to hurt me in the past. I felt that they were some of the worst people for me at the time. Who knew that two people could entertain themselves with such simple conversations which meant it was about them. From this dinner I came to the conclusion that even though a person is older than you it doesn’t mean that they have the same maturity level. I feel this way after thinking about how the people I was with were older but still were less mature. As I was sitting at dinner I found myself thinking how out of place I felt with the people who were my “dates”. It is really embarrassing to think that these two were the ones I thought were closest to me in the area however they couldn’t be farther away from me.

Dear Ron Paul's Lover

I am who I am. The essence of me will remain the same. However, with time I will be introduced to new ideas and concepts that will shape who I will become one day. Just because I am "not political" as you have called me, does not mean that I do not care about the things happening in the United States. I care about the future and I believe that things need to change but I may not take hands on approach like you may. I go about things in my own way and at my own pace. It s not your privilege to tell me what to do and how to do it. If you want to go and have your Dr. Paul love triangle with another girl...so be it. Just leave me out of you political jibber jabber.
Its funny things like this just show our difference in our ideas of an open mind. I am not perfect and I let it show. I f you were actually a good person you would accept my flaws instead of making me change who I am to be more like you or who you want me to be. I need time to do things not just a second and bam...look at me now...no I don't think so! Sure I have thought about the new ideas that you have presented me with but I need more time to process them. I take a lot of time to try and decipher these ninja like messages. Rome wasn't built in a day mother fucker.
P.S You are a bore to me and my roommate thinks you still are gay...I still have yet to meet a straight guy who knows more about mud masks than I do.
P.S.S Have fun with Ron Paul...too bad he has like 10 percent of the votes as of yesterday!

Who needs it..

So in about a week it will be the dreaded Valentines Day. It is the day to spend time celebrating your love with a significant other and show how much you love them…yada yada yada. Well I don’t have a significant other so this year I am going to do something different. I am going to celebrate my love for myself. I decided this because who better to know what I really want and who loves me more? I am not sure what I am going to do at this time but hey….I got to week.

Art is an interesting form of expression. It doesn’t matter what form it comes in there are always multiple interpretations depending on the persons background. It can be something as simple as a 6 word short story that can make you think about the deeper meaning of life.

The list that will cause me to be a single parent with a pie shop

So after a night full of silly over dramatic love movies....I decided to put together an over the top list.

What I want in a man:.
-Someone to tell me I am beautiful as I am lying in bed feeling as though I am on my death bed with a red nose and dark circles around my eyes.
-Someone who will appreciate my weird taste in music. So what if one minutes I am listening to the smooth sounds of Gavin Degraw then the next I am screaming along with My Chemical Romance.
-Someone to get me flowers just because. It doesn't really matter where they come from. (a garden or a store)
-Someone to rub my hip as I bitch and moan about how much it hurts.
-Someone to sit and listen as I go on a rant about how unappreciated teachers are these days.
-Someone who will accept how I love taking pictures of myself.
-Someone who isn't embarrassed to come with me to the doctor since I am normally scared.
-Someone who will make sure there is always a light on when I sleep or if it isn't available will let me sleep in his arms so I feel safe.
-Someone who will say they will beat up whoever I am hating at the moment then never follow through because they now it is just my hormones.
-Someone to sit and hold my hand on the side of the road without any other expectations.
-Someone to protect me when I have had to much to drink.
-Someone who will call me everyday even if it is for a minute just to say "Hi" not feeling pressured.
-Someone who will wrestle with me and be aggressive just for fun.-Someone who will give me affection just because.