I think that the hardest thing for me is dealing with my problems alone. I find myself saying I am independent even though my actions show the opposite. I don’t do well over time when I am isolated. This is purely due to my thought processes that lead me to think I need other people in order to be happy. How am I going to be happy around other people if I cannot even find a way to be happy alone? Sure it is wonderful to be in the presence of other people and to engage in conversation but it is not something that is necessary every moment. It is important to find inner peace and happiness then branch out and spread those feelings to others.
Life is an interesting contradiction for me. For example: I hate change but I love changes; I love winter but hate the dreary snow; hate my family but love them since they are my family.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Year 1 over...
Finally this horrendous semester is over! I cannot wait to leave school and go home for winter break. To just pick up and leave things where they are no matter what the condition. This semester had to be the hardest so far with far too much going on me to balance it all while trying to be successful with my education. I am sick of always being in pain whether it was emotional or physical. I am now just sitting here listening to music on MySpace crying because I can relate so much to the songs. All of the emotion that I had pushed away to make it through finals week all comes crashing back at me.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Hypacrit
Why is it that whenever I start to show off my intelligence to a male I get the word I hate hearing when I think things are going in a different direction: “friend”
Normally from females if I were to hear this I would feel happiness however when this word comes from the lips of a male I have had my eye on I feel crushed. Why is it that a woman’s appearance is, now more than ever, more important than her mind? Doesn’t anyone believe in a beautiful mind anymore? I think it is unfair to be blessed with a beautiful mind but be forced into feeling like you have an ugly exterior. It is important to be accepting of who we are and look past the exterior and into ones interior.
I AM A HYPACRIT! Just look at how many pictures I have. Why not words on the wall or equations?
Normally from females if I were to hear this I would feel happiness however when this word comes from the lips of a male I have had my eye on I feel crushed. Why is it that a woman’s appearance is, now more than ever, more important than her mind? Doesn’t anyone believe in a beautiful mind anymore? I think it is unfair to be blessed with a beautiful mind but be forced into feeling like you have an ugly exterior. It is important to be accepting of who we are and look past the exterior and into ones interior.
I AM A HYPACRIT! Just look at how many pictures I have. Why not words on the wall or equations?
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Friends
You never leave someone behind; you take a part of them with you and leave a part of yourself behind.-- Author Unknown
This made me think about how hard it has been for me to let go of the people I once held so close to me.
Inner peace can be reached only when we practice forgiveness. Forgiveness is letting go of the past, and is therefore the means for correcting our misperceptions.-- Gerald Jampolsky
A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.-- Author Unknown
A friend is the one who comes in when the whole world has gone out.-- Grace Pulpit
A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they're not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they're not so bad.-- Arnold H. Glasgow
As I look back on all that's happened: growing up, growing together, changing you, changing me -- there were times when we dreamed together, when we laughed and cried together. As I look back on those days, I realize how much I truly miss you and how much I truly love you. The past may be gone forever, and whatever the future holds, our todays make the memories of tomorrow. So, my lifetime friend, it is with all my heart that I send you my love, hoping that you'll always carry my smile with you, for all we have meant to each other and for whatever the future may hold.-- Author Unknown
Friendship isn't a big thing - its a million little things.-- Author Unknown
This made me think about how hard it has been for me to let go of the people I once held so close to me.
Inner peace can be reached only when we practice forgiveness. Forgiveness is letting go of the past, and is therefore the means for correcting our misperceptions.-- Gerald Jampolsky
A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.-- Author Unknown
A friend is the one who comes in when the whole world has gone out.-- Grace Pulpit
A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they're not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they're not so bad.-- Arnold H. Glasgow
As I look back on all that's happened: growing up, growing together, changing you, changing me -- there were times when we dreamed together, when we laughed and cried together. As I look back on those days, I realize how much I truly miss you and how much I truly love you. The past may be gone forever, and whatever the future holds, our todays make the memories of tomorrow. So, my lifetime friend, it is with all my heart that I send you my love, hoping that you'll always carry my smile with you, for all we have meant to each other and for whatever the future may hold.-- Author Unknown
Friendship isn't a big thing - its a million little things.-- Author Unknown
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Mourning
You never know how much the absence of someone will affect you until they are gone. I recently had to learn this the hard way.
About ten years ago I was told that my grandpa was diagnosed with cancer and that he would not live more than a year. At the time, I was nine years old and did not understand so I just put the thoughts to the back corners of my mind. A year went by and he was still with us living, what I thought was a normal life so I never thought that he was really going to go. Now fast forward nine years later when I started seeing the dramatic physical and emotional effects of the cancer. It was hard to see such a strong man weakened by a disease as it slowly took over his organs. As the year progressed the chemo took effect and he started looking less like himself and was acting differently. The color in his cheeks started to fade, his hair began to dwindle away and his skin became thinner and pale. This year full of dramatic changes had made it easier to realize that he was closer to his death however I found myself still in the denial stage. I kept telling myself that it wasn't going to happen and that he would make it. In another part of my mind I had recognized the fact that he was getting worse and I tried to prepare myself for this loss. I kept telling myself that I would be prepared for this and wouldn't get too upset, but how could you really prepare yourself for such a thing.
No amount of preparation I thought I had nothing could have prepared me for the news. I remember hearing over the phone from my brother that grandpa was going to die in three days and how that really got to me. Before any of this news I was pissed because I could not get a hold of anybody in my family so I finally called my brother who acted surprised when he realized that I didn't know. It was shocking how the intentions of my phone call were to yell at a family member for not contacting me but ended with horrible news. When Nick told me I felt like I got hit by a two by four in the stomach. I felt my knees buckle as I kept asking Nick what he just said which resulted in me sobbing on the phone. I couldn't form words. It was awkward to show such strong emotion to someone who I never let see that side of me. He was so flustered not knowing what to do with a sobbing girl over the phone and asked what was wrong. I kept thinking how this was such a typical guy response.
Once I got off the phone I could not collect my emotions I just laid crying in my bed until I had to go to class in about ten minutes. I just kept thinking about how I really needed my family but I didn't have that option because they all are eight hours away. I couldn't even focus on my school work. I ended up having to write a letter to my teachers explaining what was going on so they would know the real reason why my work wasn't being turned in. I felt I had to do this so that they understood why I reacted the way I did when then would yell at me for not handing in assignments.
The Tuesday after I found out I decided that I had to call my grandpa to say one last goodbye in order to help me get some closure. So during my lunch break before I had to go to communications class I called him. My grandma answered the phone; I couldn't help but burst out in a crying fit when I explained the reason for my call. After my grandma explained to me what was happening with my grandpa she handed him the phone and I said my final goodbye which had to be the hardest thing I ever had to do.
I think the hardest part of grandpa's death was at the funeral when he was carried in his casket down the aisle and then put in the hearse. At that time it really sunk in that I wouldn't see him until my afterlife. This resulted in an endless amount of tears starting to well up in my eyes and continuously emanate. For the service I couldn't help but cry while everyone else seemed so composed. I could not help but to think about how he would not be with the family at thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, birthdays, graduations, and so on. I could not imagine the feelings that my younger cousins were going through knowing that our grandpa would never make it to see them receive their diplomas.
Now it has been a little over a month since my Grandpa Floyd passed away. It is still really hard for me to think about it and move on. Lately I have found myself thinking about it more and more as we get closer to November since that is when his birthday would be. Since I lost an immediate family member, it has made me think more and more about how I really take peoples presence for granted sometimes. Too often I find myself holding grudges when I should forgive people since I never know what words are going to be my last.
One last note to all my friends and family (you know who you are) :
Thank you so much for being there for me through this all. I really do appreciate you even though you may not feel it. I don't think that I could have made it through and coped as well as I did without my support system here at Alverno. It was really hard to be away from everyone when this was going on but I had you wonderful girls to talk me through my problems. If you have been wondering why I have been so distant lately it has been because of me trying to cope I am not trying to push you away.
About ten years ago I was told that my grandpa was diagnosed with cancer and that he would not live more than a year. At the time, I was nine years old and did not understand so I just put the thoughts to the back corners of my mind. A year went by and he was still with us living, what I thought was a normal life so I never thought that he was really going to go. Now fast forward nine years later when I started seeing the dramatic physical and emotional effects of the cancer. It was hard to see such a strong man weakened by a disease as it slowly took over his organs. As the year progressed the chemo took effect and he started looking less like himself and was acting differently. The color in his cheeks started to fade, his hair began to dwindle away and his skin became thinner and pale. This year full of dramatic changes had made it easier to realize that he was closer to his death however I found myself still in the denial stage. I kept telling myself that it wasn't going to happen and that he would make it. In another part of my mind I had recognized the fact that he was getting worse and I tried to prepare myself for this loss. I kept telling myself that I would be prepared for this and wouldn't get too upset, but how could you really prepare yourself for such a thing.
No amount of preparation I thought I had nothing could have prepared me for the news. I remember hearing over the phone from my brother that grandpa was going to die in three days and how that really got to me. Before any of this news I was pissed because I could not get a hold of anybody in my family so I finally called my brother who acted surprised when he realized that I didn't know. It was shocking how the intentions of my phone call were to yell at a family member for not contacting me but ended with horrible news. When Nick told me I felt like I got hit by a two by four in the stomach. I felt my knees buckle as I kept asking Nick what he just said which resulted in me sobbing on the phone. I couldn't form words. It was awkward to show such strong emotion to someone who I never let see that side of me. He was so flustered not knowing what to do with a sobbing girl over the phone and asked what was wrong. I kept thinking how this was such a typical guy response.
Once I got off the phone I could not collect my emotions I just laid crying in my bed until I had to go to class in about ten minutes. I just kept thinking about how I really needed my family but I didn't have that option because they all are eight hours away. I couldn't even focus on my school work. I ended up having to write a letter to my teachers explaining what was going on so they would know the real reason why my work wasn't being turned in. I felt I had to do this so that they understood why I reacted the way I did when then would yell at me for not handing in assignments.
The Tuesday after I found out I decided that I had to call my grandpa to say one last goodbye in order to help me get some closure. So during my lunch break before I had to go to communications class I called him. My grandma answered the phone; I couldn't help but burst out in a crying fit when I explained the reason for my call. After my grandma explained to me what was happening with my grandpa she handed him the phone and I said my final goodbye which had to be the hardest thing I ever had to do.
I think the hardest part of grandpa's death was at the funeral when he was carried in his casket down the aisle and then put in the hearse. At that time it really sunk in that I wouldn't see him until my afterlife. This resulted in an endless amount of tears starting to well up in my eyes and continuously emanate. For the service I couldn't help but cry while everyone else seemed so composed. I could not help but to think about how he would not be with the family at thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, birthdays, graduations, and so on. I could not imagine the feelings that my younger cousins were going through knowing that our grandpa would never make it to see them receive their diplomas.
Now it has been a little over a month since my Grandpa Floyd passed away. It is still really hard for me to think about it and move on. Lately I have found myself thinking about it more and more as we get closer to November since that is when his birthday would be. Since I lost an immediate family member, it has made me think more and more about how I really take peoples presence for granted sometimes. Too often I find myself holding grudges when I should forgive people since I never know what words are going to be my last.
One last note to all my friends and family (you know who you are) :
Thank you so much for being there for me through this all. I really do appreciate you even though you may not feel it. I don't think that I could have made it through and coped as well as I did without my support system here at Alverno. It was really hard to be away from everyone when this was going on but I had you wonderful girls to talk me through my problems. If you have been wondering why I have been so distant lately it has been because of me trying to cope I am not trying to push you away.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Fall Reflection
This semester is hard for me. I feel like I am trying to find myself all over again. Last semester I thought I had things figured out and I was confident with myself. I felt that my bonds with my friends and family were strong, until a wrench was thrown in the mix. I gained friends then lost them as their bonds with others grew and our friendship faded. I lost friends I had from before as communication was lost. I lost my grandpa to cancer which really mixed things up. As all of these things were happening I started to think of who I can really rely on when things get tough. This had to be the hardest thing to deal with. I don’t want to let people go. They told me they would be there for me till the end. What happened? What could I do differently to bring back my friend? What is wrong with me? If I can not even keep up friendship how am I ever going to be happy in life with my choices?
I don’t even know who I am.
Before, I was set on being a pediatric nurse. I will finish in 4 years. I will meet a wonderful guy and get married and have kids (in that order). Now I am not sure of myself anymore.
I feel so empty sometimes. Like I am never going to do anything right so why even try.
I don’t want to get up. I don’t want to go to class or talk to people. I just want to lie in bed and stare out the window with thoughts flooding my mind like the tears swelling in my eyes.
I miss home.
I miss my dad and my Forkling.
I miss the hugs.
The security and comfort I get from being home.
I don’t even know who I am.
Before, I was set on being a pediatric nurse. I will finish in 4 years. I will meet a wonderful guy and get married and have kids (in that order). Now I am not sure of myself anymore.
I feel so empty sometimes. Like I am never going to do anything right so why even try.
I don’t want to get up. I don’t want to go to class or talk to people. I just want to lie in bed and stare out the window with thoughts flooding my mind like the tears swelling in my eyes.
I miss home.
I miss my dad and my Forkling.
I miss the hugs.
The security and comfort I get from being home.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
"Look at my Abs! Aren't They Great?"
Wow. So I am back in my small town living it up and somewhat enjoying myself. Lately I have been working non-stop and am pretty much never home which is not that big of a deal since I feel super alone when I do go home.
Any who, so I am working as a deli wench, working up a sweat frying and cooking food, making drinks and breaking out. I look so sexy when I have to go to work in my most unflattering uniform and even a hat and apron...try to hold back. I get to basically cook and assemble food all day while talking to nobody then after I am out of work at 8 everyday I whip out my cell and talk to make up for my eight hours of silence. It got to me so bad that on Monday tears pretty much came as a side dish with subs. (ooh make the Italian bread even tastier) I thought I could handle for not talking for that long but I can't instead I end up talking to crazy women who try to hook me up with their church boys. oy vey...boys they make me giggle and feel all fluttery inside...I hate it sometimes I wish I didn't get crushes an silly boys like a 14 yr old girl would. I obsess so it is totally uncool. Why is it that whenever I see a certain boy I get all fluttery stomached and mushy kneed?
Moving on...lately I have been avoiding home as much as possible because when I do go home I end up by myself even though other people are around. I just don't feel accepted here as much as I once did because of how I have changed. I am so glad though that I have had the chance to move far away from both places I call home because I am growing more into someone I am accepting of. Here in rapids I have had so much time to think about things, situations I have dealt with, and people and I am learning more and more to just accept it and work with it instead of struggle. I have been able to notice more things about myself and the people I am around...which is a weird feeling for me. Right now I think my issue is loneliness. I feel like an outcast sometimes because I can be a bit more eccentric than others in the town (I bet ya that not everybody wears a tiara when they work in the c-store!) In order to avoid this loneliness I have been staying in town till late at night so I don't have to deal with grilling from the family about why I am the way I am. I also will go to Erin's and hang out until the wee hours of the night. I love Erin dearly for being the one person at home that I am not afraid to be my crazy screaming out the window, changing while driving, dancing to no music self. She never gives me that look like her eyes are stuck to the back of her head look and I love her for that.
It has been awesome how Gabe and I have been able to hang out and have photo shoots since we both are in love with pictures. Also I think we both are in love with ourselves in pictures so it works.
One last thing I say WTG to my workplace....why am I getting more stressed there than I did than at school how is that even possible?
Any who, so I am working as a deli wench, working up a sweat frying and cooking food, making drinks and breaking out. I look so sexy when I have to go to work in my most unflattering uniform and even a hat and apron...try to hold back. I get to basically cook and assemble food all day while talking to nobody then after I am out of work at 8 everyday I whip out my cell and talk to make up for my eight hours of silence. It got to me so bad that on Monday tears pretty much came as a side dish with subs. (ooh make the Italian bread even tastier) I thought I could handle for not talking for that long but I can't instead I end up talking to crazy women who try to hook me up with their church boys. oy vey...boys they make me giggle and feel all fluttery inside...I hate it sometimes I wish I didn't get crushes an silly boys like a 14 yr old girl would. I obsess so it is totally uncool. Why is it that whenever I see a certain boy I get all fluttery stomached and mushy kneed?
Moving on...lately I have been avoiding home as much as possible because when I do go home I end up by myself even though other people are around. I just don't feel accepted here as much as I once did because of how I have changed. I am so glad though that I have had the chance to move far away from both places I call home because I am growing more into someone I am accepting of. Here in rapids I have had so much time to think about things, situations I have dealt with, and people and I am learning more and more to just accept it and work with it instead of struggle. I have been able to notice more things about myself and the people I am around...which is a weird feeling for me. Right now I think my issue is loneliness. I feel like an outcast sometimes because I can be a bit more eccentric than others in the town (I bet ya that not everybody wears a tiara when they work in the c-store!) In order to avoid this loneliness I have been staying in town till late at night so I don't have to deal with grilling from the family about why I am the way I am. I also will go to Erin's and hang out until the wee hours of the night. I love Erin dearly for being the one person at home that I am not afraid to be my crazy screaming out the window, changing while driving, dancing to no music self. She never gives me that look like her eyes are stuck to the back of her head look and I love her for that.
It has been awesome how Gabe and I have been able to hang out and have photo shoots since we both are in love with pictures. Also I think we both are in love with ourselves in pictures so it works.
One last thing I say WTG to my workplace....why am I getting more stressed there than I did than at school how is that even possible?
Monday, May 7, 2007
Living Waiting for Rain
"Imagine the rhythm of individual drops of water falling, combining to create a sound like no other. It's a sound that most people find soothing and comforting." (Krough. 2005) Water. One of the most underestimated compounds that have chemical properties unlike any other.
Surprisingly, today I read one of the assigned chapters for my biology class and was I actually enjoyed reading the content. If you didn't know already, I am a very big procrastinator and hate reading, so, it was shocking that I found interest in a scholarly subject instead of what the Spice Girls were up to. However, I have been fascinated with water for quite some time, but until recently I didn't realize the effect it had on my well being. Sure there are the things that everyone depends on this compound for such as hydration of the body, cleansing of the skin and of course cooling of in the scorching temperatures. However, I have found that water also has an affect on my soul and spirit.
Around the time of my birthday, I took a trip that I had ended up being rather frazzled from and got depressed from some of the events. I was feeling lonely even though I had the presence of people. I've found I often will get these feelings of hopelessness and loneliness, even when I am around gobs of people who care about me. In these times I tend to space myself emotionally and all I can think about is how I just want to get away and sit by the waters edge. I picture the water as it swirls up and licks my toes and recedes back into the giant blue-green body leaving me feeling calm and my mind at ease. I find that when I am sitting away from all the craziness of life and the only noises are the sounds of the wind blowing the trees the branches clacking together, the waves swirling in over the sand with an assortment of pebbles, and me breathing in the clean earthy smell of my surroundings nothing can get to me. I finally have time to think and not be distracted by the things that can bring me down.
This discovery of the healing powers of nature has helped me track down my reasoning for my random stints of depression. Maybe I am feeling overwhelmed and I am in need of something to center me. My brain may be telling me this through the mood switches. This may be the reason for why being so far away from home is so difficult. There I have access to nature and water everywhere I go. I really benefit from living in the land of 10,000 lakes but it just took me all of my life to realize it.
Two years ago I never would have thought I would be where I am in my life, all the lessons I have learned. I never would have met the people I would have. I now can finally appreciate the people I once said I hated because they have helped me change after they put me through horrible things. I am so thankful for Alverno accepting me since they have provided me with so many learning experiences in and out of the classroom. Who knows what the year will bring with everyday bringing new lessons to me. I always laughed at all of Alverno's cheesy billboards posted all over Milwaukee but now I understand them. Lessons are not always learned in a classroom, as a student you have to be able to realize that you have to teach yourself in order to truly learn.
Surprisingly, today I read one of the assigned chapters for my biology class and was I actually enjoyed reading the content. If you didn't know already, I am a very big procrastinator and hate reading, so, it was shocking that I found interest in a scholarly subject instead of what the Spice Girls were up to. However, I have been fascinated with water for quite some time, but until recently I didn't realize the effect it had on my well being. Sure there are the things that everyone depends on this compound for such as hydration of the body, cleansing of the skin and of course cooling of in the scorching temperatures. However, I have found that water also has an affect on my soul and spirit.
Around the time of my birthday, I took a trip that I had ended up being rather frazzled from and got depressed from some of the events. I was feeling lonely even though I had the presence of people. I've found I often will get these feelings of hopelessness and loneliness, even when I am around gobs of people who care about me. In these times I tend to space myself emotionally and all I can think about is how I just want to get away and sit by the waters edge. I picture the water as it swirls up and licks my toes and recedes back into the giant blue-green body leaving me feeling calm and my mind at ease. I find that when I am sitting away from all the craziness of life and the only noises are the sounds of the wind blowing the trees the branches clacking together, the waves swirling in over the sand with an assortment of pebbles, and me breathing in the clean earthy smell of my surroundings nothing can get to me. I finally have time to think and not be distracted by the things that can bring me down.
This discovery of the healing powers of nature has helped me track down my reasoning for my random stints of depression. Maybe I am feeling overwhelmed and I am in need of something to center me. My brain may be telling me this through the mood switches. This may be the reason for why being so far away from home is so difficult. There I have access to nature and water everywhere I go. I really benefit from living in the land of 10,000 lakes but it just took me all of my life to realize it.
Two years ago I never would have thought I would be where I am in my life, all the lessons I have learned. I never would have met the people I would have. I now can finally appreciate the people I once said I hated because they have helped me change after they put me through horrible things. I am so thankful for Alverno accepting me since they have provided me with so many learning experiences in and out of the classroom. Who knows what the year will bring with everyday bringing new lessons to me. I always laughed at all of Alverno's cheesy billboards posted all over Milwaukee but now I understand them. Lessons are not always learned in a classroom, as a student you have to be able to realize that you have to teach yourself in order to truly learn.
Saturday, May 5, 2007
Sexiest Movie Ever!
Ok so I feel really nerdy because for the longest time I was looking forward to going to Spider-Man 3. So, ok that's normal, but before I went I wanted to catch up on the story and remember the different things from the other movies….so instead of working on the I-movie I watched them both today then danced, hopped and jumped around pretending like I was the neighborhood spider-man…..and I will not lie I was even more pumped to see my favorite superhero on the big screen. So I packed my little ghetto purse full of the essential theater going snacks such as bred, spinach dip, a donut, and my sippy cup. (shut up….you would be jealous if you saw it) I really wanted to paint my face like spidy to make the adventure so much better but a certain driver told me I could not get in the car if I did it. For the records she also told me I couldn't bring my snacks listed above…but I did.
When we got to the theater the parking lot was packed. We were driving around looking for a spot then Kelly screamed the car stopped and Hannah veered into one of the few spots. After a pee stop before entering the theater wee finally got to see my favorite super hero even if he was delayed by all the stupid commercials before the movie. I had way too much sugar before the movie so I knew it would be an even better experience.
This movie made me laugh, cry, and scream a little. I loved it and my love for spider-man is now locked. Why does he have to be made up? I want to marry his bad hip thrashing, sexy, photo taking, web slinging bod! The movie was amazing! I want to go back because I loved it so much….maybe I could have been distracted by some sexiness but still. So tonight was an amazing movie viewing night. I love love love MR. SPIDY!
When we got to the theater the parking lot was packed. We were driving around looking for a spot then Kelly screamed the car stopped and Hannah veered into one of the few spots. After a pee stop before entering the theater wee finally got to see my favorite super hero even if he was delayed by all the stupid commercials before the movie. I had way too much sugar before the movie so I knew it would be an even better experience.
This movie made me laugh, cry, and scream a little. I loved it and my love for spider-man is now locked. Why does he have to be made up? I want to marry his bad hip thrashing, sexy, photo taking, web slinging bod! The movie was amazing! I want to go back because I loved it so much….maybe I could have been distracted by some sexiness but still. So tonight was an amazing movie viewing night. I love love love MR. SPIDY!
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Bullshit
Well what an interesting time I have been having lately. People are getting kind of ridiculous. I feel as though I have lost some of the people I really had cared about due to several different things. Too often I depend on people then something happens and I loose them oh well it is a part of life. It really hurts when people stab you in the back.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Communication
I really love my communications class! Today we had some good semi-discussions in class. These really got me thinking about how messed up the world can be and how it can be a vicious circle the world can be. When I got back from this class I had an awesome conversation with V about how the media has such a great affect on people. So basically I was venting about how ridiculous it is that women are supposed to care about every little imperfection with their body. Then once women change these things they get ridiculed for how they are too perfect! W.T.G?!?!?!? This made me think about how you may try and do something to help someone in one way or another, whether it is through actions or words, but somehow it comes back and bites you in the ass later on…..does this make sense? Now more than before, I have been working on listening more and talking less so that I can try and further understand people in order to help them out. This was a decision I made over winter break as part of a "resolution" for the year. So I try and space myself from people so I am not to overwhelm them by talking about myself or putting my problems on others. So I am not going to lie it has already been broken but I am only human; but hey, at least I am making the effort. Other people will go through their lives without changing a thing, staying closed minded and stubborn the whole way through without thinking about others but I don't understand where that will get you, especially in this day and age. It is hard to try and change yourself for the better but it is important in my mind. I think we all try and change who we are a little over time but we still keep the main components to stay real to ourselves.
I am really glad that I moved away from home. I think the move helped me to shape who I am and to learn more about myself. I have met some awesome people who have helped me out and unexpectedly been there for me. (When I say unexpectedly I mean that I never thought I could depend on people I thought I was the only person I could depend on. Last year if I could have seen how things would turn out as they currently are I don't think I would believe it! Moving out of Rapids was good for me to become more open minded and understanding. I think I have gained the ability to see both sides of situations instead of being so selfish and thinking it was always other people who were wrong in bad situations instead of realizing that there never is really one person who does something wrong. I still am stubborn and it takes me a while to realize when I am wrong but hey at least it is happening right?
So this blog is really scatter minded like my crazy thoughts but what is new? I just felt like writing about this to get it out there. BTW I would like to hear opinions cuz i am cool like that!
I am really glad that I moved away from home. I think the move helped me to shape who I am and to learn more about myself. I have met some awesome people who have helped me out and unexpectedly been there for me. (When I say unexpectedly I mean that I never thought I could depend on people I thought I was the only person I could depend on. Last year if I could have seen how things would turn out as they currently are I don't think I would believe it! Moving out of Rapids was good for me to become more open minded and understanding. I think I have gained the ability to see both sides of situations instead of being so selfish and thinking it was always other people who were wrong in bad situations instead of realizing that there never is really one person who does something wrong. I still am stubborn and it takes me a while to realize when I am wrong but hey at least it is happening right?
So this blog is really scatter minded like my crazy thoughts but what is new? I just felt like writing about this to get it out there. BTW I would like to hear opinions cuz i am cool like that!
Thursday, February 8, 2007
Biology is really pushing me
I feel so dumb in biology. I swear I am trying to get this. I do my homework as well as I can and try to follow along in class taking notes and listening but I don’t understand. Today I feel so stupid I finished my bioethical response the best I could and turned it in online. Then today I found out we were not only supposed to turn it in there but we were also supposed to print it out. This class is so difficult for me to follow along. I try and read all of the papers and guidelines I think I understand them until I get to class and realize once again I have done something wrong. I can’t blame anyone but myself for doing something wrong since I am the one who misunderstood the readings. I would ask questions if I knew what to ask. My problem is I think I know what I am doing so I won’t ask questions until the last possible moment; normally right before I turn in the paper. Recently I realized I am good at physically doing things I just have trouble explaining the background of something and the process that goes into making it happen. This is a major problem because this is what I need in order to meet level three criteria. I am going to have to work extra hard this semester in order to succeed. I will not lie, I am scared and I doubt my ability to succeed. I feel so dumb in this class when I ask questions to the teacher. I get looked at like I am stupid. Its one of those “How dumb are you? Why would you ask such a silly thing?” looks. It’s funny how I was feeling happy before this class. I was standing tall being confident in myself. I was proud that I had given a good speech in CM 112 and had a good time listening to everyone’s speeches laughing along with all the funny invention ideas. I came to class feeling good that my paper was done, assignment was completed and I am actually here awake and with a positive attitude. After 10 minutes I loose that positivism and confidence and instead feel unintelligent and incapable. I just want to hide.
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