Mourning

You never know how much the absence of someone will affect you until they are gone. I recently had to learn this the hard way.
About ten years ago I was told that my grandpa was diagnosed with cancer and that he would not live more than a year. At the time, I was nine years old and did not understand so I just put the thoughts to the back corners of my mind. A year went by and he was still with us living, what I thought was a normal life so I never thought that he was really going to go. Now fast forward nine years later when I started seeing the dramatic physical and emotional effects of the cancer. It was hard to see such a strong man weakened by a disease as it slowly took over his organs. As the year progressed the chemo took effect and he started looking less like himself and was acting differently. The color in his cheeks started to fade, his hair began to dwindle away and his skin became thinner and pale. This year full of dramatic changes had made it easier to realize that he was closer to his death however I found myself still in the denial stage. I kept telling myself that it wasn't going to happen and that he would make it. In another part of my mind I had recognized the fact that he was getting worse and I tried to prepare myself for this loss. I kept telling myself that I would be prepared for this and wouldn't get too upset, but how could you really prepare yourself for such a thing.
No amount of preparation I thought I had nothing could have prepared me for the news. I remember hearing over the phone from my brother that grandpa was going to die in three days and how that really got to me. Before any of this news I was pissed because I could not get a hold of anybody in my family so I finally called my brother who acted surprised when he realized that I didn't know. It was shocking how the intentions of my phone call were to yell at a family member for not contacting me but ended with horrible news. When Nick told me I felt like I got hit by a two by four in the stomach. I felt my knees buckle as I kept asking Nick what he just said which resulted in me sobbing on the phone. I couldn't form words. It was awkward to show such strong emotion to someone who I never let see that side of me. He was so flustered not knowing what to do with a sobbing girl over the phone and asked what was wrong. I kept thinking how this was such a typical guy response.
Once I got off the phone I could not collect my emotions I just laid crying in my bed until I had to go to class in about ten minutes. I just kept thinking about how I really needed my family but I didn't have that option because they all are eight hours away. I couldn't even focus on my school work. I ended up having to write a letter to my teachers explaining what was going on so they would know the real reason why my work wasn't being turned in. I felt I had to do this so that they understood why I reacted the way I did when then would yell at me for not handing in assignments.
The Tuesday after I found out I decided that I had to call my grandpa to say one last goodbye in order to help me get some closure. So during my lunch break before I had to go to communications class I called him. My grandma answered the phone; I couldn't help but burst out in a crying fit when I explained the reason for my call. After my grandma explained to me what was happening with my grandpa she handed him the phone and I said my final goodbye which had to be the hardest thing I ever had to do.
I think the hardest part of grandpa's death was at the funeral when he was carried in his casket down the aisle and then put in the hearse. At that time it really sunk in that I wouldn't see him until my afterlife. This resulted in an endless amount of tears starting to well up in my eyes and continuously emanate. For the service I couldn't help but cry while everyone else seemed so composed. I could not help but to think about how he would not be with the family at thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, birthdays, graduations, and so on. I could not imagine the feelings that my younger cousins were going through knowing that our grandpa would never make it to see them receive their diplomas.
Now it has been a little over a month since my Grandpa Floyd passed away. It is still really hard for me to think about it and move on. Lately I have found myself thinking about it more and more as we get closer to November since that is when his birthday would be. Since I lost an immediate family member, it has made me think more and more about how I really take peoples presence for granted sometimes. Too often I find myself holding grudges when I should forgive people since I never know what words are going to be my last.
One last note to all my friends and family (you know who you are) :
Thank you so much for being there for me through this all. I really do appreciate you even though you may not feel it. I don't think that I could have made it through and coped as well as I did without my support system here at Alverno. It was really hard to be away from everyone when this was going on but I had you wonderful girls to talk me through my problems. If you have been wondering why I have been so distant lately it has been because of me trying to cope I am not trying to push you away.