"Believe the news im gone for good call off the search...

So yesterday i was at thanksgiving at my Grandma's and went with the best expectations for the day. All seemed to be going good until i started being ignored and pushed off to the side. Other peoples stars started to shine as mine faded away. Yay me. I love how my family treats me like i am insignificant and my opinions dont matter just because they are different from other peoples. I always feel so low when i am around them. So after several hours of trying to deal with this i went into my room at my Grandmas house and started to get out my pajamas and was rearranging my stuff in my suitcase and i just brokedown and cried silently on the floor just a couple feet away from my family and nobody even noticed. So I thought that i just wanted to go back to school and be with those people then i thought who can i call and talk to about this? Hmmm.. NOBODY! I relized that everyone was going to be having a grand old time with their families. Now i really don't know where i wanna go..since no where seems to be a good option where I will be happy. I will just runaway with all my animals and be away from people.
The one thing that really got me was when i found out the plans that my brother was coming home with his girlfriend and her kid for christmas. He then plans on moving back in January and my dad is driving out to get him. This kinda seems like a big deal that he is coming back to Mn. I didn't even find this out from my parents or my brother i found out from another source. Oh then i found out that my dad totalled the car. Yeah nothing is going on at home huh? Nobody tells me these things so why should i tell them things.

What do others see me as?

This is awesome. It is 2:03 in the morning and I have to get up in three hours but I can’t fall asleep. My teeth hurt. My eye feels like I got punched in the head. It doesn’t help that I can’t stop thinking about things that happened to me today that really pissed me off. I hate this feeling of people making me feel like crap. I am trying to be there for everyone when sometimes I need to step away and be there for myself. I am not doing so well but I try not to say anything so I don’t bring certain people down. Then again I also feel like others I tell too much and need to keep more to myself. I don’t know what the deal is with a certain person. I don’t understand why she thinks everything is about her and revolves around her. I really hope that nobody ever feels that way about me. I don’t want to be a stupid, superficial, stuck-up ass who only cares about herself. I want to be the person people feel comfortable around and can confide in. I don’t want to ever judge people for what they say. Instead I hope to stay the way I openly chat with people and help them as much as possible. I need to get out of here. I need to find a new place that I can get away since my room is not safe anymore. Why do people…ok a certain person….always invade my space at the wrong time. Ugh! I feel like I am venting all the time. I hate this about myself. I wish I could stop. People probably mention this behind my back. Well, I suppose this is better than being told you blow your friends off. Sure I am spacey at times and will forget things easily or I will change my mind at the last moment but it isn’t intentional. I just don’t know how to say that I don’t want to do things with them. I am trying to work on speaking my mind and avoiding blowing people off. I need to work on being more aware of these things. Obviously I am still working on things since there are so many things I want to change.

Ich Bin Schlect

What is up with me lately I feel so dead inside. I am treating people like crap who i really care about. I also am feeling neglected lately maybe it is because i am treating people so badly. I never want to face people anymore knowing that i am going to say something that i know i shouldnt. I feel as though every inch of me is bruised not wanting to move from where i am too often am i hurt or let down creating yet another bruise. I am no fun anymore all i feel like i am doing is moping and complaining and bringing people down. I am more hurtful to people than i am helpful. I can't really say that all i wanna do is go home because i dont..i just feel like being surrounded by people who wont say anything at the time but are there for me instead of being around people who want me to explain my problems to them...i just need to mope every once in a while. I have not felt this way since a couple weeks before i went home. I dont feel like i can really turn to the people i used to be able to go to. I feel like they are busy living their lives and i just need to learn to deal with my own crappy problems. Even if that does mean shutting all the blinds and hiding in my room. Obviously i cant face the world.