March 13, 2008
All of my life I have been questioning who I am. Where is my place in the world? Where do I stand? What are my strengths and weaknesses?
I have felt inferior to other people thinking I wasn’t:
Pretty, smart, strong, thin, fast, artistic, creative, analytical, religious, friendly……GOOD enough.
I have come to the tough realization that the people in my life who I respected, loved, and become friends with, who came in and out of my life, sometimes were toxic to my mental health changing the way I was thinking and acting. They had me think that these words described me by what they said to me or showed me. I had spent too much time hating who I was, dreading looking in the mirror. This may not have been their intention but instead their way of dealing with our personal differences. It changed me and actually made me who I am today which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
I am learning to grow from it. OK. So my grandma calls me fat and makes comments about how I made a bad choice going into education. Is it true? No. That is her opinion on MY LIFE. Ok. I respect her but could never hate her for it. Instead I can move on and realize that these things don’t define me. I am who I am. I may be called dumb, fat, ginat, bitchy, selfish, and so on but it is not who I am. It is a persons opinion sparked by something they may have not agreed with.
Differences happen. However, the difference between levels of maturity is how you deal with these differences. This transition isn’t a changing from bad to good, but simply a part of growing up. As you move through life you are affected by your surroundings and slowly begin to find who you are. So far I have done a lot of thinking since I have moved around and met new people. I am still working on finding my path but slowly moving towards accepting me for who I am.
Reflecting on all this, I realized it’s not that these labels are my definition but merely the opinions of those around me. It depends on my own will to live in or out of these labels.
I really wish that it hadn’t taken 19 years to make this discovery. Even though it has been difficult, it’s worth going through the ups and downs of life knowing I am changing for the better.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Random Thoughts
Random thoughts:
Last night I couldn't fall asleep due to a killer stomache pain/ migrane so I just laid in bed from midnight till two in the morning. At two, I got up and decided I may as well do something to make myself tired. So I walked down the hall, went pee. As I was coming back into my room I read what Melissa changed her status on her whiteboard to: "Melissa is dreaming of you!" Sounds normal....sorta. So... I sit down at my computer and put in my headphones and I hear this weird noise. I pause my music and listen. At first all I hear is Melissa grinding her teeth...then I swear she must have gotten to a good part of her dream. She started moaning and mumbling and was smiling. I am scared to think of whom she was refering to on that little board.
Today, as I was walking back to the dorms, I look around the snow covered campus then bring my attention back to the strech of concrete below my feet. I have walked over it so many times with a handful of different people. Some still are my friends, others lost touch. Countless memories on one stretch of concrete. I wont go into them now but they are still in my mind. Today one smudge on the top of the access card reader sparked my memory. I thought back to the night that Lindsey and I convinced a girl from the commons to give us a bag of whipped cream at thanksgiving. At first we put it on our pie then she kept squirting it in my mouth....then we walked back to the dorms and had the great idea to launch it back and forth....getting it all over the sidewalk. Lastly before it was taken away I squirted it on top of the access card holder. Eventually the whipped cream pile started dissolving ironically like my friendship with Lindsey. We started getting more and more distant. We went down different paths in a few short months. The saddest thing is that instead of fighting to get back a friend I gave up. Why put energy into something that isnt going to work? Looking back at who I used to be when we were friends it is probably for the best.
The Reasons I Can Wait/ Where I want to be: Barefoot walks back to the lake with Chloe.....sitting rowing in the water for a couple hours reading some trashy book....drinking fresh lemonade...wearing obnoxiouly large sunglasses....loosing and oar when Chloe becomes impatient and jumps out...watching the clouds float by....feet being nibbled by sunnies as I hang them out of the boat....
Loading up the car with the perfect mix of c.ds....driving with the windows down....music blaring....eating cheetos till our hands turn orange...drinking rockstar till you can no longer stand me....singing Avril at the top of our lungs only to loose our voices later in the day....waving to cars as they pass only to get evil glares....laughing at funny restaruants like "Steve and Tim's Donuts" which has many secrets well at least we think so.....changing completly as you hold the wheel and I take my foot off the gas....contemplating stopping for a cow tipping....and of course stopping at Betty's Pies "We have to stop....THEY ARE WORLD FAMOUS!"
Last night I couldn't fall asleep due to a killer stomache pain/ migrane so I just laid in bed from midnight till two in the morning. At two, I got up and decided I may as well do something to make myself tired. So I walked down the hall, went pee. As I was coming back into my room I read what Melissa changed her status on her whiteboard to: "Melissa is dreaming of you!" Sounds normal....sorta. So... I sit down at my computer and put in my headphones and I hear this weird noise. I pause my music and listen. At first all I hear is Melissa grinding her teeth...then I swear she must have gotten to a good part of her dream. She started moaning and mumbling and was smiling. I am scared to think of whom she was refering to on that little board.
Today, as I was walking back to the dorms, I look around the snow covered campus then bring my attention back to the strech of concrete below my feet. I have walked over it so many times with a handful of different people. Some still are my friends, others lost touch. Countless memories on one stretch of concrete. I wont go into them now but they are still in my mind. Today one smudge on the top of the access card reader sparked my memory. I thought back to the night that Lindsey and I convinced a girl from the commons to give us a bag of whipped cream at thanksgiving. At first we put it on our pie then she kept squirting it in my mouth....then we walked back to the dorms and had the great idea to launch it back and forth....getting it all over the sidewalk. Lastly before it was taken away I squirted it on top of the access card holder. Eventually the whipped cream pile started dissolving ironically like my friendship with Lindsey. We started getting more and more distant. We went down different paths in a few short months. The saddest thing is that instead of fighting to get back a friend I gave up. Why put energy into something that isnt going to work? Looking back at who I used to be when we were friends it is probably for the best.
The Reasons I Can Wait/ Where I want to be: Barefoot walks back to the lake with Chloe.....sitting rowing in the water for a couple hours reading some trashy book....drinking fresh lemonade...wearing obnoxiouly large sunglasses....loosing and oar when Chloe becomes impatient and jumps out...watching the clouds float by....feet being nibbled by sunnies as I hang them out of the boat....
Loading up the car with the perfect mix of c.ds....driving with the windows down....music blaring....eating cheetos till our hands turn orange...drinking rockstar till you can no longer stand me....singing Avril at the top of our lungs only to loose our voices later in the day....waving to cars as they pass only to get evil glares....laughing at funny restaruants like "Steve and Tim's Donuts" which has many secrets well at least we think so.....changing completly as you hold the wheel and I take my foot off the gas....contemplating stopping for a cow tipping....and of course stopping at Betty's Pies "We have to stop....THEY ARE WORLD FAMOUS!"
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