When did I lose myself? At what point did I just give up and settle?
Last year was a rough year. Although it had some good points it really took a toll on me and my sunny outlook on life. I feel so jaded and cold now-not caring much about the world around me. I am treading water and settling for a mundane life instead of fighting for more. I miss being happy and laughing everyday. Now I get up feeling blank and bored. My life is so bland. It's hard knowing that what I really need is to get myself motivated instead of somebody pushing me into it. I guess I am so used to my bland life that i have no real motivation for more anymore. The saddest part is that I take out a lot of my anger in places it isn't deserved. I have some pretty great friends and family and often snap at them and pick fights because I can't disperse my anger where it is meant to go.
Right now I am so frustrated with trying to make a decision on my relationship. Am I actually in it or simply agreeing to it? The magic is lost, the fighting is never ending, and my tears always fall. It's hard to be so in love with someone and not feel it back. At one point I could see myself marrying the person but the feelings have faded. Now I think I would be better off alone and starting over. I should feel loved and have a guy who actually wants to adjust his schedule and spend time with me- considering the 500 miles limit our interaction. We constantly are on the brink of breaking up but somehow end up back together. I can't figure out why because things never change.
After reflecting on my past relationships I realized my "type" is the overly independent, alcoholic, assholes who put on a front when we first date. Then a switch flips and they start falling off the face of the earth and send mixed messages. Ok, so it could be me too. I KNOW I change. It's hard not to when someone is playing games with you and constantly breaking your heart with stupid comments.
