Best of Me-Morningwood

Recently I discovered this blog that I had created 7 or 8 years ago, when I was a senior in high school, and I really wanted to delete it. I spent so much time blogging about anything and everything that now I find it mildly embarrassing. Instead, I am choosing to continue with it and try to regularly blog as I did in the past. I think that my blog has become a good measurement of my progression into adulthood and of my writing abilities.

So a nice little update:
My life is very complicated at the moment. I am unemployed, which has been the harshest reality to swallow, and I hate that I can't support myself. I have been working non-stop since I have been 17 and had at least two jobs. So, to be unemployed is embarrassing. One thing that really gets to me is having to explain that I am unemployed and why. The whole situation is shady as fuck, I am pissed,  and I wish I could sue my former employer. Unfortunately there is nothing I can do but file paperwork to try and collect my final paycheck he is refusing to give me. Fortunately, if I find out that I can fight him some way I have evidence saved. I was so excited for this job because I finally got to officially teach, had a name plaque, grade book, and attended meetings. I loved the students and teachers, it was such a great atmosphere. Well, it was great until I was sick one week and was fired the next Monday because of issues that were never discussed with me. Oh, and by the way, I was fired through a text message. It figures. Guys are such cowards and can't deal with direct confrontations that they revert to ending things via text. Assholes. Now I am waiting to hear back about a job working at Macy's for 40% less than what I was making. So. Depressing.

So next is my school update. Yeah, shit got crazy when I was working, taking four classes, and doing 50 hours of field. In addition, I was trying to figure out how to pay for it all after getting fired. That part is taken care of thanks to grants but I still have all of this homework. Oy. I also am dealing with less than stellar teachers who make me look bad by their lack of organization and by ignoring my correspondences. I still have to deal with this bitch that is requiring that I meet with her, but I really shouldn't because it will be hard to avoid telling her to go fuck herself. I just want to be done with this school, graduate and continue with my minimum wage job as I cry into my diploma at night. 7  years is to many years to be working on your undergrad degree,

















Most importantly let's discuss my love life!

Impossible-Anberlin

When did I lose myself? At what point did I just give up and settle?

Last year was a rough year. Although it had some good points it really took a toll on me and my sunny outlook on life. I feel so jaded and cold now-not caring much about the world around me. I am treading water and settling for a mundane life instead of fighting for more. I miss being happy and laughing everyday. Now I get up feeling blank and bored. My life is so bland. It's hard knowing that what I really need is to get myself motivated instead of somebody pushing me into it. I guess I am so used to my bland life that i have no real motivation for more anymore. The saddest part is that I take out a lot of my anger in places it isn't deserved. I have some pretty great friends and family and often snap at them and pick fights because I can't disperse my anger where it is meant to go.

Right now I am so frustrated with trying to make a decision on my relationship. Am I actually in it or simply agreeing to it? The magic is lost, the fighting is never ending, and my tears always fall. It's hard to be so in love with someone and not feel it back. At one point I could see myself marrying the person but the feelings have faded. Now I think I would be better off alone and starting over. I should feel loved and have a guy who actually wants to adjust his schedule and spend time with me- considering the 500 miles limit our interaction. We constantly are on the brink of breaking up but somehow end up back together. I can't figure out why because things never change.

After reflecting on my past relationships I realized my "type" is the overly independent, alcoholic, assholes who put on a front when we first date. Then a switch flips and they start falling off the face of the earth and send mixed messages. Ok, so it could be me too. I KNOW I change. It's hard not to when someone is playing games with you and constantly breaking your heart with stupid comments.

Possibility- Lykke Li

As the year wraps up and I am reflecting on 2010 I have an epiphany. This horrible year has been punishment for my bad decisions late last year/early this year. I did a shitty thing and I am being punished- karma is at work. I look forward to the end of the year so I can start fresh. Hopefully I can ask for forgiveness and start over.

It's funny because all of this is leaving me to feel extremely hypocritical. In all that has happened I have lost a little of myself and forgotten who I am and what I believe. I was influenced by toxic surroundings and chose to jump. I have been so quick to pass the blame onto other people instead of accepting my own mistakes and dealing with them.

I have to give props to my friends and family for dealing with me through all of this. Oy.

It's so easy to pass the blame, and lie to yourself, instead of fessing up to your mistakes and moving on. Why did it have to take a year-long shit storm to remember this? Life doesn't have an easy button for a reason- we are meant to struggle and learn from our decisions.

Love will keep us alive- The Eagles

It's that time of year when school wraps up and another set of individuals graduate into the corporate world. As I see the flutter of [facebook] statuses expressing the satisfaction of finishing college, I wonder, "when will I ever be at that point"?

Four years ago, as I was graduating High School, I was asked where I would see myself in five years. After making a joke about being an international bum, I gushed about how I would be finished with school and starting my life in the "real word", with a nursing degree in hand. I am a year away from that prediction point and I am no where near where I thought I would be.

Last night, physically and mentally exhausted, I called my mom hoping for some of her usual wisdom in an effort to pull me out of this funk. Like the context of this blog, we discussed predictions. One thing that really hit home was when she asked, "where did you see yourself being at this time"? I hesitated, then told her, "I honestly didn't think that I would be alive". Those weren't exactly the words she was hoping to hear but it was the real truth that I kept to myself.

As I often bring up, I have struggled with my depression and have attempted suicide as an attempt to "solve" my problems. Over the years it has been a real struggle to gain control over my life as I constantly was battling these thoughts and feelings causing my depression. I felt insecure and unhappy, never thought I was worth anyone's time. Now, after hitting some extreme lows, I am starting to find more balance and happiness in what I have.

Going through this roller coaster with depression, I have learned things greater than those taught in the walls of a classroom.

Self worth. Independence. Appreciation. Love. Struggle.

Nothing in life is easy, if it is, you are doing it wrong. Having depression hasn't made me any less of a woman, it has made me stronger as I work towards finding happiness.

Although I have not received a diploma, I got something greater. Happiness and LIFE.

Can I get a cake for that?

Why you running- Lissie

Somedays I wish I had taken a different path in life so I never had to meet you and miss you so much everyday.

An American Trilogy- Elvis Presley

You think you know everything there is about me? Well, did you know that I am happiest when I can lie on my bed, daydream, listening to the music flooding the air?

It's funny, people think I am so loud and obnoxious all the time when there is another side I don't let them see.

It' s more of a moonlight song.

Move On-Jet

I tried re-arranging the stars only to be left with cuts on my hands and an empty feeling in my stomach as I look up into the nothingness that is consuming me.